To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

[GiftBaggage]

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

Which is totally different to OPs experience. Her son wasn’t abused and presumably your own circumstance was managed because everyone knew your abuser was a convicted sex offender. Not so the OP. The risk her is to her son and his future wife and any children they may have, because they’re not aware of the facts.

Given what you say happened to you and your siblings l’m not sure why you’re advocating for OP glossing over what happened to her in order to attend the wedding, and quietly accepting a convicted sex offender and child abuser being welcomed into her sons family unit, where he will undoubtedly have access to any future children.

That's your advice and that's fair. I'm just saying what I would TRY and do in that situation.

True, but if my mum told me she couldn’t make my wedding for personal reasons as a PP suggested, I’d likely deal with the disappointment by never involving her in my life again.

I think the only option to salvage a relationship with the son is to be honest.

It personally I would be seeking counselling with the objective of feeling safe and comfortable enough to go, but also giving myself permission not to attend if I didn’t get to that place.

What therapist is going to suggest the OP meet her stalker rapist and risk him stalking her again, let alone it being at an event to celebrate her son bringing another woman into his orbit?

@GloryFades

the purpose of counselling is never to trick a persons mind and body into feeling comfortable and safe with someone who is dangerous. Op will feel anxious and scared around this man and that’s natural and normal, he has hurt her badly and is a dangerous man.

Yes. I also fail to see why women are frequently put in a position where they are forced to pretend abuse didn’t happen.
Your son is adult enough to marry ?
So he is adult enough to understand that his father is an abuser and that he should protect his mother from contact with him.
His mum gave up most of her life for him while his father seriously attacked his mother then walked away from his son.

I don't know. That's why I suggested therapy, so that OP can weigh all this up amd find coping strategies (which she will need irrespective of whether she goes to the wedding).

Yes l did read your previous post and having read this one, l’m sorry but it’s just a word salad for enabling child abuse. l’m barely able to believe or comprehend that you would advocate that OP should keep quiet about the fact that this man is a convicted sex offender and a clear danger to children, when he will have access to her sons future family.

Regardless of any bond they may have with this man, he poses a huge potential risk they are not aware of and they deserve the opportunity to make an informed decision. That you would advocate otherwise to protect any existing relationship is concerning to say the least, and renders protection measures put in place by society absolutely pointless.

Therapists don't tell you what to do in these situations. They help you formulate boundaries around what choices you feel are best for you. If your feelings change on what's best for you, they help you form new boundaries around those new feelings.

OK - let's say that the reason he's been barred from working with children isn't because of sexually abusive behaviour. I'd be fascinated to hear from you (with your legal background) some of the reasons for which someone might have been barred from working with children that aren't, in some way, awful behaviours.

As for 'did you chase him' and 'knowing you let your son down'. Jesus wept.

I hope your role in the legal sector isn't in any way public-facing.

Thank you for calling ny experiences of the complexity of these situations when they are real and not theoretical, "word salad". I am sorry that my reality doesn't match your expectations of how victims think and feel.

There’s a difference between “couldn’t turn up” and “won’t turn up”! You’re the latter - you will not and refuse to put yourself through an event attended by your rapist. That’s strength, not weakness!
Fuck the ‘dad’ - you NEVER have to see him again. In fact, you refuse & choose not to! Strength!

OP doesn't need therapy to go to the wedding. But yes, some support in how to talk it through with her son & deal with him possibly choosing his absent Dad over her safety. These are two different things though.
The timing of the wedding is one issue. In time her son may see through his Dad and lose contact once he has his current curiosity met. He could do with pausing his wedding while processing the facts about his Dad and deciding if he wants to bring this man into his new family life and back into the life of his Mum.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all OP, but I think the suggestion of going to therapy is a good thing as I don’t think it’s going to be as black and white as you telling your son what happened and him not inviting his Dad. You need to prepare yourself for that and you need to not let yourself be bullied into a situation you decide against.

Very similar situation played out in my close family and it was left as an open invite and Mum didn’t go and Dad did. Things are very strained now because the narrative has been spun that Mum chose not to attend the wedding and the relationship in general with Mum no longer extends beyond birthdays etc. It’s really sad.

I think you need to be blunt unfortunately spell it out no sugar coating.

I will not be in the same room as that rapist abusive waste of space. I feel it would be unfair to myself to relive past trauma. So it's either me or your dad I'm afraid and that's a choice you have to make.

I would leave it at that. I couldn't be in the same room as some people in my life I feel like my blood would run cold and I'd revert back to a teenager again. You shouldn't have your feelings minimised because of keeping up appearances. What happened to you is awful and I'm sorry. And I'm truly sorry your son has been takin in by this monster but stand your ground you are completely reasonable.

No therapist would advocate that. And what makes you think she would need therapy now, when this happened well over 20 years ago and she’s been free of this man for so long ? She’s clearly developed her own coping strategies and got on with her life - and those coping strategies don’t factor in allowing this man back into her life in any way, shape or form.

Her son is trying to enable a relationship between his mother and her rapist, to make his own life easier. She should have no part in that at all - it doesn’t benefit her in any way. She doesn’t need therapy to know this. You said in your first post that you don’t share the OP’s experience and forgive me for saying so, but that’s very clear from your advice.

No wonder people won't go to therapy when the general understanding is that they forbid you from doing things that you think are best for you. I mean, yeah, if you think you can fly, they'll likely stop you jumping out the window. But if you think it's best for you to see your abuser at times, to foster other relationships, they'll help you form the healthiest boundaries possible to minimise harm.

Rapists and paedophiles don't change.

It is heartbreaking for you that your son is taking this line and, more still, changing in the way he is. Very sadly, but honestly, that may mean you take a position of loving detachment for your own psychological safety & wellbeing.

If your son, in his ignorance and desperation to win his this man's approval, decides to parrot that you're 'bitter', so be it.

He is trying to heal the wounded child within that is desperate for his father's love & approval. The narrative he creates - taken from this man - allows him to have a normally-dysfunctional family, the parents who split and have an antagonistic relationship. Factor in that he is probably told how like his father he is in terms of charisma and...

There's no straightforward resolution here. I urge you to seek therapy to help you deal with the shifting relationship with your son & the trauma it both triggers and, perhaps, creates.

I am sure your son is a good person and will remain so but you may need to accept that for the foreseeable, you need to step back.

I believe you should tell your son the extent of this man's abuse.

• Tell him that men like that don't change. Say you understand how incredibly hard it is to hear and that his reaction may be one of furious denial and anger towards you.
• You will not stop him having a relationship with this man and he does not need to choose between you but you will not put yourself in a place of danger, even for your son's wedding.
• if your son needs to understand more, say you will answer his questions and explain as much as you are able but there may be a limit, a time where you have to stop for your own safety. Point him to some resources online about charismatic abusers & the long term trauma women experience that he can read when he's ready
• say his father is not worthy of his son and that whatever surface similarities there may be between them in looks, charisma, etc, your son is not his father. He is a better man, with a different character
• recognise that your son may interpret what you say as an attack on his father & therefore on him too - clarify that this is not the case
• tell him what you expect of him. From what you've said, it sounds like you're not asking your son to do anything but understand & respect your position and that you're not asking him (or expecting him) to reduce contact with his father or choose between you both
• reassure your son he is not like his father and that you are not rejecting him, and will always be there for him but what he is asking you to put yourself through is impossible
• say you understand how very hard it is and you hope that one day he will be able to understand
• pre-empt his father's assassination of your character in a calm manner. Explain that you realise his father might believe that you are bitter, unstable...whatever, but these are the facts and your position is a natural & normal one.
• reassure him of your love for him & his fiance

You cannot control your son's reaction, but you can control what you do and protect yourself. You have loved & protected your son his whole life, trust that this is enough to win through in the end.

I'm afraid there will be a fall out, but you absolutely mustn't put yourself through being in the same place as this man. Put your safety first now.

I suspect your son sees an opportunity to create the family he never had - two good parents, a wife and all the family she brings with her - and a happy, successful 2.4 children family of his own. So it might be that he cannot accept what you say...Hopefully he will in time.

One thing to add: if you force yourself to go and play happy families, you tell your son two things:

1. that your ex was never really abusive to you
2. that abuse & rape is not that bad

Don't minimise it. For his sake as well as your own.

And seek decent therapy support for yourself while this is going on xx

You poor woman.
No I would not be going near any meal or wedding.
I would be telling him the truth that his father is a violent rapist and they don't change.

He sounds like he could be more like his father than you care to admit.

I feel very sorry for that poor girl and her family that they are clearly oblivious to the utter scum your son has as a father.

You need to be 100% to your son and tell him you are not 14 anymore and will do everything you need to do to protect yourself, including the police.

You poor woman. Put yourself first.

OP, if you are still reading:

'This isn't just 'Mum & Dad didn't work out & she is still bitter'. Your Dad did awful things to me. Illegal things. Repeatedly. Also, you should both know, if you are getting married, he is on the Sex Offenders Register. He has done something bad enough to be convicted for it & 'no contact with children'. I want nothing more than to attend your wedding but I have to stay safe from him now. You too.

I didn’t call your experience of abuse word salad. I was referring to your attempt to justify further enabling a proven and convicted sex offender. Two different things.

Do you have a male friend who could accompany you, sort of as a chaperone? Personally I would tell my son, in detail, what his father did to me, so that he can make informed decisions.

This is terrible, OP. There's no good answer. My mother was in your shoes (the extent of which, I didn't realise until I recently). I think you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but I think if I were in your shoes, I would be blunt with DS and say you were 13, his father was 18, he was abusive, raped you repeatedly within marriage, stalked you, stole from you, broke into your home etc. And I would also say what you have said here, that it's brutally unfair that you are the one who must miss out on big family celebrations (for your own safety - let's not kid ourselves, a leaopard doesn't change it's spots) whilst your rapist gets to enjoy a relationship he didn't earn.

I’m sorry for what happened to you.

At the moment it sounds like your son is trying to turn aside from the history he knows about, and convince himself that his father is a changed man, and the father he hoped for. However, given that your ex is a rapist and has some history which bars him from working with children, there’s a very real risk to your son’s fiancé and to any future children they have. In your shoes, I would speak with both together and be brutally honest.

And I was explaining why a victim such as myself may think that the best choice for them and the people that they love is to not force anyone to choose between you. Including the possibility that they will rip your fucking heart out by choosing them.

It sounds like the son is aware to some extent about his dad, like my siblings are somewhat aware of what happened in our home and the adults in it. There are several reasons that you may not want to share with them the full extent and that you believe they know at least enough to decide what risk that presents to them and theirs.

It is very, very complex. I shared with the OP what I chose and why because I've lived a very similar situation. I haven't just thought about it. I've lived it.

So really, your speculating is more than a little misplaced here.