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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners Adult Daughter

161 replies

Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 17:45

Been with current partner 3 years, his adult daughter (20’s) moved back in with him recently. She has complained about us having sex (in our bedroom) we had radio on and was very very quiet (it was at night) she sent her dad nasty text messages - referencing both of us - saying we were disgusting and that it’s not fair on her.

I am trying to work out how we manage this as she is here every night, so we can’t abstein permanently ? I do understand - but we were very very quiet and respectful but her room is next door so can’t guarantee her hearing nothing. Are we being unreasonable ? Any suggestions? Don’t want to cause any problems between dad and daughter.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 03/10/2025 17:47

She needs to move out again, wear ear plugs, or ear pods.

Ilovemychocolate · 03/10/2025 17:48

Tell her to get some bloody headphones!
Or a life!

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 03/10/2025 17:49

Could you loudly watch pornography every night so she can never accept tell when you're being intimate?

ClawsandEffect · 03/10/2025 17:50

Yeah, had this with my ex's adult daughter. Even older! In her 30s.

She told him to keep me quiet while we were having sex, objecting to our activity. Despite having a parade of different boyfriends through her room in his house.

He probably should have told her to keep her nose out. Now he has no sex. Bet he's regretting THAT little lack of dealing with the issue. 😂😂😂😂

Original poster
Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 17:53

ClawsandEffect · 03/10/2025 17:50

Yeah, had this with my ex's adult daughter. Even older! In her 30s.

She told him to keep me quiet while we were having sex, objecting to our activity. Despite having a parade of different boyfriends through her room in his house.

He probably should have told her to keep her nose out. Now he has no sex. Bet he's regretting THAT little lack of dealing with the issue. 😂😂😂😂

So did you end it? She has him wrapped round her little finger, and he doesn’t like any confrontation

OP posts:
autumn1614 · 03/10/2025 17:54

Difficult one…

how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you could hear her? What would you suggest to her?

is there no possibility of doing when she’s not in the house?

jeaux90 · 03/10/2025 17:58

Very clearly state that everyone is allowed their own lives including parents. Do you live together though? Do you have your own place?

Original poster
Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 17:59

autumn1614 · 03/10/2025 17:54

Difficult one…

how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you could hear her? What would you suggest to her?

is there no possibility of doing when she’s not in the house?

Virtually impossible to do it when she’s not there, I work 9-5, partner works in hospitality so he gets home late….I wear ear plugs at night so wouldn’t be a problem to me and it’s natural, we are in our 50’s, she is an adult, like I said I don’t want to upset anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 18:02

jeaux90 · 03/10/2025 17:58

Very clearly state that everyone is allowed their own lives including parents. Do you live together though? Do you have your own place?

no Don’t live together but because of his working hours and he doesn’t drive, I have always stayed at his, currently I only stay at mine a couple of nights a week, my daughter is away at university, when she is home I live at mine, hope that makes sense

OP posts:
TotallyUnapologeticOmnivore · 03/10/2025 18:03

She is being ridiculous, but she is perfectly at liberty to find her own accommodation (and see how well her no-sex rule goes down in a house share).

ishimbob · 03/10/2025 18:05

Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 18:02

no Don’t live together but because of his working hours and he doesn’t drive, I have always stayed at his, currently I only stay at mine a couple of nights a week, my daughter is away at university, when she is home I live at mine, hope that makes sense

Show quote history

It would make things easier all round if you both sometimes stayed at yours - even if that's just once a week, would give you some space from each other

Original poster
Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 18:07

ishimbob · 03/10/2025 18:05

It would make things easier all round if you both sometimes stayed at yours - even if that's just once a week, would give you some space from each other

Show quote history

Yes it might be something we could arrange.

OP posts:
WellYouWereMythTaken · 03/10/2025 18:21

I would tell her if she doesn’t like the people who own the house she is living in having sex with each other in their own home she can move out. I would definitely not tolerate nasty text messages or anything else.

WellYouWereMythTaken · 03/10/2025 18:23

Sorry just seen you don’t live together. But my point basically stands. She’s being ridiculous.

Original poster
Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 18:24

WellYouWereMythTaken · 03/10/2025 18:23

Sorry just seen you don’t live together. But my point basically stands. She’s being ridiculous.

No don’t live together, because logistically it’s not possible right now, this is the best we can do, but it’s her fathers house and I agree with you

OP posts:
Mydahliasareshit · 03/10/2025 18:27

You could always get a bit creative locations wise OP!
Easier in summer than winter, granted.
Could you stretch to a garden room that's just for the two of you, or a shepherd's hut? Could be quite romantic.

MatildaTheCat · 03/10/2025 18:31

Sounds as if she’s asserting herself as the ‘woman of the house’ and able to lay down the rules. It doesn’t sound as if your partner is going to have a conversation with her about this so you’ll have to decide if you want to be dictated to by this young woman.

BCSurvivor · 03/10/2025 18:32

You're not being unreasonable so long as you are consistent.
Presumably when your daughter is back from uni and you're having sex in your own house, with your daughter in her nearby bedroom, you will think she is being equally unreasonable if she brings it up?

Original poster
Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 18:32

MatildaTheCat · 03/10/2025 18:31

Sounds as if she’s asserting herself as the ‘woman of the house’ and able to lay down the rules. It doesn’t sound as if your partner is going to have a conversation with her about this so you’ll have to decide if you want to be dictated to by this young woman.

I agree with you, it’s what I suspected tbh

OP posts:
whistlesandbells · 03/10/2025 18:34

How old is the daughter?

Original poster
Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 18:35

BCSurvivor · 03/10/2025 18:32

You're not being unreasonable so long as you are consistent.
Presumably when your daughter is back from uni and you're having sex in your own house, with your daughter in her nearby bedroom, you will think she is being equally unreasonable if she brings it up?

He doesn’t stay at my house and tbf my daughter also stays at her dads and not with me 100% of the time, I have already said I don’t want to upset anyone or come between father and daughter in my post, so not sure of your point ? My daughter would probably put her headphones on as I do when my daughter has her girlfriend to stay over night!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 18:36

Mydahliasareshit · 03/10/2025 18:27

You could always get a bit creative locations wise OP!
Easier in summer than winter, granted.
Could you stretch to a garden room that's just for the two of you, or a shepherd's hut? Could be quite romantic.

Edited

No garden it’s rented accommodation

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 18:37

whistlesandbells · 03/10/2025 18:34

How old is the daughter?

24

OP posts:
AgnesX · 03/10/2025 18:40

Was it ever her home? If not, tell her to lump it (although I'd probably keep it down a bit in the meantime).

That your partner's unwilling to deal with it means that you might have more of a problem in the not too distant future.

Original poster
Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 18:47

AgnesX · 03/10/2025 18:40

Was it ever her home? If not, tell her to lump it (although I'd probably keep it down a bit in the meantime).

That your partner's unwilling to deal with it means that you might have more of a problem in the not too distant future.

No it was never her home he moved in to this accommodation on his own, however she has lived with him on and off all her life, and I fully respect that. We did keep it down 100%

OP posts: