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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners Adult Daughter

161 replies

Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 17:45

Been with current partner 3 years, his adult daughter (20’s) moved back in with him recently. She has complained about us having sex (in our bedroom) we had radio on and was very very quiet (it was at night) she sent her dad nasty text messages - referencing both of us - saying we were disgusting and that it’s not fair on her.

I am trying to work out how we manage this as she is here every night, so we can’t abstein permanently ? I do understand - but we were very very quiet and respectful but her room is next door so can’t guarantee her hearing nothing. Are we being unreasonable ? Any suggestions? Don’t want to cause any problems between dad and daughter.

OP posts:
whistlesandbells · 04/10/2025 09:24

Seems after 3 years you have reached a point where some kind of progression in the relationship is starting to be relevant. Life happens all around us - children living at home, work demands, children needed to return home from education - and adult children needing to become independent. Your living arrangements are catching up with you as a couple. Maybe it is time to rethink this or it has run its course if you’re happy as you are. I wouldn’t compromise with another adult female into the mix when I have my own home and peace and quiet.

Clychaugog · 04/10/2025 09:43

Give her 20 quid to go to the cinema

KimberleyClark · 04/10/2025 09:46

Mydahliasareshit · 03/10/2025 18:27

You could always get a bit creative locations wise OP!
Easier in summer than winter, granted.
Could you stretch to a garden room that's just for the two of you, or a shepherd's hut? Could be quite romantic.

Edited

The daughter would still complain that she knows what they are up to when they go there. Young people always think older people having sex is disgusting.

Katemax82 · 04/10/2025 10:51

You could try doing it in total silence like my husband and I (we live in a bungalow with 4 kids)

AntiBullshit · 04/10/2025 11:02

It would be weird to hear your parent(s) having sex just as it would be to hear your adult child doing it.

she should not have said anything

id be tempted to patronise her with the Daddy and I are in a loving committed relationship and find each other sexy so we will have sex when and where we like. Pleae leave you key after you’ve packed and left

70sMuuMuu · 04/10/2025 15:25

Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 22:06

I didn’t snoop 🤣 I was laid next to him as the messages came through I could see them, hardly snooping.

Show quote history

Oh OP, don’t ruin their fun, it might be the only fun they have all day.

ClawsandEffect · 04/10/2025 16:27

Itmakesme · 04/10/2025 09:02

This

He can’t drive
Has two children by different women
Has sex that his daughter can hear with a new random

What a catch

Show quote history

You think a 3 year relationship is a random?

FlockofSquirrels · 04/10/2025 17:08

AntiBullshit · 04/10/2025 11:02

It would be weird to hear your parent(s) having sex just as it would be to hear your adult child doing it.

she should not have said anything

id be tempted to patronise her with the Daddy and I are in a loving committed relationship and find each other sexy so we will have sex when and where we like. Pleae leave you key after you’ve packed and left

Your fist two are spot on.

No one has spoken to OP about this. OP only knows they discussed it because she was reading her DP’s private text messages with his daughter, and in those
texts his reply to his daughter was to remind her it’s his house not hers. DP chose not to even mention it to OP, and has not asked her to be quieter or do a single other thing to change.

It would be absolutely absurd and toxic for OP to insert herself uninvited into this conversation or say one single thing to the daughter about how she should leave a home that is not OP’s.

GentleJadeOP · 04/10/2025 18:03

Well you must have been making noise or how’d she know? Can you move bed away from her wall?

GentleJadeOP · 04/10/2025 18:08

ColinOfficeTrolley · 03/10/2025 18:59

Nobody wants to hear their dad shagging ffs.

She's probably as mortified as you OP.

I agree.

Blablibladirladada · 04/10/2025 18:29

Oh dear…
yeah for a kid it is gross to hear their parents/step parents doing it. 🤮… but indeed she is the one that needs to :

  • move out
  • go to friends sometimes to give you space
  • not be childish and send nasty texts

First option is what she needs to do asap.

independentfriend · 04/10/2025 19:21

Rearrange the accommodation so that your bedrooms aren't next to each other.

Other soundproofing measures - hang rugs / thick curtains on both sides of the shared wall. Consider rearranging the furniture to move the bed further away from the shared wall, if possible.

If that doesn't work you're going to be a bit stuck in that house given that it's rented and you can't do building work to it.

You have a soundproofing problem. Intention isn't magic - you were correctly trying to be quiet but it wasn't in practice quiet enough. Nobody should have to listen to a parent doing sexual things. (And yes vice versa - no one should have to listen to their child either). Doesn't matter who owns / rents the house.

Oldwmn · 04/10/2025 19:35

Ponoka7 · 03/10/2025 17:47

She needs to move out again, wear ear plugs, or ear pods.

What? Tell her to fuck off!

Yourcatisnotsorry · 04/10/2025 19:43

Can you not imagine how grim it is to hear your dad having sex? Just keep it down!

Primmyhill · 04/10/2025 20:09

To hear your dad having sex at any age is a bit grim. You must have been making noise she could hear above the radio. Just bite the pillow or something.

Janicchoplin · 04/10/2025 20:12

Some of the answers to this post is ludicrous. What are you 16? The daughter is a grown woman of 24 years old. Acting like a child embarrassed by her elders having sex.
What she's a virgin? I doubt that. She has come home because she's had a breakup or an end of lease. Either way she doesn't want to be there. So she's taking it out on dad's girlfriend because she can. No one is challenging her. She's allowed to get away with whatever she wants to. And your blaming this lady.
Not good really.

Delphiniumandlupins · 04/10/2025 20:23

Rearrange furniture? So wardrobes are on the adjoining wall. How many bedrooms are there?

Original poster
Bernie54 · 04/10/2025 20:38

Janicchoplin · 04/10/2025 20:12

Some of the answers to this post is ludicrous. What are you 16? The daughter is a grown woman of 24 years old. Acting like a child embarrassed by her elders having sex.
What she's a virgin? I doubt that. She has come home because she's had a breakup or an end of lease. Either way she doesn't want to be there. So she's taking it out on dad's girlfriend because she can. No one is challenging her. She's allowed to get away with whatever she wants to. And your blaming this lady.
Not good really.

Thank you

OP posts:
Brainstorm23 · 04/10/2025 20:40

I can't believe some of these replies. As much as OP is entitled to a sex life nobody wants to lie in bed and listen to other people have sex never mind their parent. It would be different if there was no other option but OP has her own place so they can go there and have all the sex they want.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 04/10/2025 20:43

I’d leave your DP to deal with it, it’s his DD ant they live there.

Wherethewildthingsfart · 04/10/2025 20:54

Why did she move back in with her dad?

It’s hard, I can understand your point but also it can’t be nice for anyone to hear your parent having sex (no matter how quiet).

Maybe buy her earplugs or headphones for Christmas?

Lovehascomeandgone · 04/10/2025 21:00

She Is a CF, she needs to move out.

Laurmolonlabe · 04/10/2025 21:04

Agree absolutely it's not fair on her that you have a life , so it is imperative that she moves out straight away- otherwise your home your rules.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 04/10/2025 21:13

Laurmolonlabe · 04/10/2025 21:04

Agree absolutely it's not fair on her that you have a life , so it is imperative that she moves out straight away- otherwise your home your rules.

The OP doesn’t live there, the DP and his DD do.

pineapplesundae · 04/10/2025 21:16

Or move daughter to your house.

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