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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners Adult Daughter

161 replies

Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 17:45

Been with current partner 3 years, his adult daughter (20’s) moved back in with him recently. She has complained about us having sex (in our bedroom) we had radio on and was very very quiet (it was at night) she sent her dad nasty text messages - referencing both of us - saying we were disgusting and that it’s not fair on her.

I am trying to work out how we manage this as she is here every night, so we can’t abstein permanently ? I do understand - but we were very very quiet and respectful but her room is next door so can’t guarantee her hearing nothing. Are we being unreasonable ? Any suggestions? Don’t want to cause any problems between dad and daughter.

OP posts:
Petrolitis · 04/10/2025 21:26

Screamingabdabz · 03/10/2025 18:55

I feel sorry for her. She’s a young woman and it’s probably not an easy option to ‘just move out and get her own place’ - it must be revolting being stuck and hearing two middle aged people shagging in the place she thinks of as home. I’d be mortified if my boyfriend’s dd even heard a peep, let alone complained multiple times about it.

What a horrible fucking ageist post.

Sex is natural in all age groups.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself with your nastiness.

She's 24, she's 8 years over the age of consent, 6 years over being able to drive. She's well within the age where she could rent a room in a shared house.

She is an entitled adult behaving like a spoiled 13 year old.

Laurmolonlabe · 04/10/2025 21:33

In that case don't visit again until it is sorted out- your partner needs to talk to her, he gets no more of you- you will find out in short order how important you are to him.

Diarygirlqueen · 04/10/2025 21:35

Although you say you dont want to cause trouble, its very obvious you don't like her!

I would hate to hear my dad and his partner having sex, as most people would.
If you can't manage when she's out of the house, go to your home to do the deed!

CarrotCrusader · 04/10/2025 21:37

Mydahliasareshit · 03/10/2025 18:27

You could always get a bit creative locations wise OP!
Easier in summer than winter, granted.
Could you stretch to a garden room that's just for the two of you, or a shepherd's hut? Could be quite romantic.

Edited

Are you insane? Why should op go to all that trouble and expense to appease her stepdaughter?

FlockofSquirrels · 04/10/2025 21:39

Laurmolonlabe · 04/10/2025 21:33

In that case don't visit again until it is sorted out- your partner needs to talk to her, he gets no more of you- you will find out in short order how important you are to him.

There's nothing to sort.

No one has had a single conversation with OP about this. OP snooped on her boyfriends' texts and saw that the daughter had complained directly to him. He handled it himself by telling daughter that it's his house. He chose not to bring it up to OP and has not asked her to change a single thing.

CarrotCrusader · 04/10/2025 21:40

Janicchoplin · 04/10/2025 20:12

Some of the answers to this post is ludicrous. What are you 16? The daughter is a grown woman of 24 years old. Acting like a child embarrassed by her elders having sex.
What she's a virgin? I doubt that. She has come home because she's had a breakup or an end of lease. Either way she doesn't want to be there. So she's taking it out on dad's girlfriend because she can. No one is challenging her. She's allowed to get away with whatever she wants to. And your blaming this lady.
Not good really.

How do you know she's come home because of a breakup or end of lease?

suburburban · 04/10/2025 21:52

I think she just has to ignore it or move out

awful of her to send texts to her df

CLola24 · 04/10/2025 22:06

I'm absolutely on the daughters side. Hearing anyone having sex is horrific let alone your own dad. Sex doesn't have to be loud. Furthermore, it's her home. Moving back with your parents at that age normally is not a first choice and she's probably already feeling rotten enough.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 04/10/2025 22:08

CLola24 · 04/10/2025 22:06

I'm absolutely on the daughters side. Hearing anyone having sex is horrific let alone your own dad. Sex doesn't have to be loud. Furthermore, it's her home. Moving back with your parents at that age normally is not a first choice and she's probably already feeling rotten enough.

I agree

I am imagining if my DS moved out and then back in and he heard me having sex with my boyfriend.

Hollyberryred · 04/10/2025 22:21

She is not your daughter so you're going to feel irritated and annoyed. Your partner on the other hand will naturally feel protective over her. Yes she.is an adult and theoretically should be in a position to live independently but life is not so straightforward, which is why she has had to move into dad's house. It will be gross for her hearing you having sex. Her living there will be temporary because I doubt she really wants to be there, so in the meantime, find the time to be intimate when she's out of the house or go to yours.

GanninHyem · 04/10/2025 22:28

MyElatedUmberFinch · 04/10/2025 22:08

I agree

I am imagining if my DS moved out and then back in and he heard me having sex with my boyfriend.

Show quote history

Quite.

It's fucking weird not to be revolted by the sounds of your parent(s) shagging. Like they would be thrilled hearing that, or maybe they would and that's the problem 🤮

Nee one is saying don't have sex, just keep it down. You literally can't have been quiet if she heard you.

Original poster
Bernie54 · 04/10/2025 23:00

MyElatedUmberFinch · 04/10/2025 22:08

I agree

I am imagining if my DS moved out and then back in and he heard me having sex with my boyfriend.

Show quote history

So you have a boyfriend and have sex yes? How do you know you won’t ever be in this position….

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 04/10/2025 23:01

FlockofSquirrels · 04/10/2025 21:39

There's nothing to sort.

No one has had a single conversation with OP about this. OP snooped on her boyfriends' texts and saw that the daughter had complained directly to him. He handled it himself by telling daughter that it's his house. He chose not to bring it up to OP and has not asked her to change a single thing.

Edited
Show quote history

Which means I feel bad about it! Hence my post asking for advice.

OP posts:
Spinmerightroundbaby · 04/10/2025 23:11

Ponoka7 · 03/10/2025 17:47

She needs to move out again, wear ear plugs, or ear pods.

Or, if there is another bedroom,
move her to a room without a shared wall? Alternatively move her bed so it isn’t against the wall where yours is? I’d say you’ll see if you can make some changes but ultimately this is your house and it’s up to you how you live your lives. You aren’t doing anything wrong.

Diarygirlqueen · 05/10/2025 00:30

Spinmerightroundbaby · 04/10/2025 23:11

Or, if there is another bedroom,
move her to a room without a shared wall? Alternatively move her bed so it isn’t against the wall where yours is? I’d say you’ll see if you can make some changes but ultimately this is your house and it’s up to you how you live your lives. You aren’t doing anything wrong.

Show quote history

This is not the OP house, it is her partners. She has her own home with her daughter who is presently at uni.

EvieBB · 05/10/2025 00:35

Jk987 · 03/10/2025 18:50

I’d be mortified and it would put me off. How are the walls that thin?
I’d do it when she’s out. Or book a hotel.

She must have her ear to the door!

PollyBell · 05/10/2025 01:54

Bernie54 · 04/10/2025 23:01

Which means I feel bad about it! Hence my post asking for advice.

Show quote history

Not shagging when she is around or do it at your place, what other advice is possible other than having sex when she can hear is beyond creepy so stop it

AC246 · 05/10/2025 02:04

OP, if she is going to be there long term, think about if you really need this drama?
He has a younger child too?

Original poster
Bernie54 · 05/10/2025 08:45

AC246 · 05/10/2025 02:04

OP, if she is going to be there long term, think about if you really need this drama?
He has a younger child too?

Younger child doesn’t live there.

OP posts:
StmMary · 05/10/2025 08:47

Bernie54 · 03/10/2025 17:45

Been with current partner 3 years, his adult daughter (20’s) moved back in with him recently. She has complained about us having sex (in our bedroom) we had radio on and was very very quiet (it was at night) she sent her dad nasty text messages - referencing both of us - saying we were disgusting and that it’s not fair on her.

I am trying to work out how we manage this as she is here every night, so we can’t abstein permanently ? I do understand - but we were very very quiet and respectful but her room is next door so can’t guarantee her hearing nothing. Are we being unreasonable ? Any suggestions? Don’t want to cause any problems between dad and daughter.

If that was me I'd continue as we were.
She's adult and jealous of your relationship with her dad.
Maybe go to a hotel and enjoy..

MyElatedUmberFinch · 05/10/2025 08:59

Bernie54 · 05/10/2025 08:45

Younger child doesn’t live there.

Show quote history

How would you feel if your DD sent you a text if your boyfriend did ever stay at your home?

Original poster
Bernie54 · 05/10/2025 09:11

MyElatedUmberFinch · 05/10/2025 08:59

How would you feel if your DD sent you a text if your boyfriend did ever stay at your home?

Show quote history

I would have a conversation with her about it, I would feel the same way I do now!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bernie54 · 05/10/2025 09:12

PollyBell · 05/10/2025 01:54

Not shagging when she is around or do it at your place, what other advice is possible other than having sex when she can hear is beyond creepy so stop it

Show quote history

ok

OP posts:
Lennonjingles · 05/10/2025 09:14

You shouldn’t let it stop you having sex with your partner, the DD either has to put up with it or move out if it bothers her that much. I used to hear my parents having sex in my teens, I must admit I hated it, I moved out at 20, I would never have mentioned it, I would have been told it was none of my business as my Dad was quite strict. Perhaps DD can pay for a hotel room for you as a gift.

tragichero · 05/10/2025 09:21

She is being absolutely outrageous!

I have occasionally heard my parents having sex.

My daughter mentioned a little while ago (not nastily at all, more amused) that she has occasionally heard her dad with his partner, and me with mine, when I had one.

No doubt we will hear her too if and when she starts bringing partners home.

A small amount of sound with sex is probably inevitable, even if you try hard to be quiet. As long as you aren't screaming and shouting at the top of your voices, I really don't see the problem.

And as for those suggesting OP and her partner should only have sex when this woman is out of the house - seriously? Do you honestly think it is acceptable to move back in with a parent and massively inhibit their sex life?

I am shocked anybody even thinks you should entertain this incredibly rude and self centered young woman .