Single SIL never hosting

[Startrekobsessed]

The inevitable Christmas conversation has come in our household. We alternate between mine and my husbands family and this year it’s my husbands families ‘turn’. Sometimes we host and sometimes my MIL hosts.

I’ve noticed that my SIL has never hosted, in 15 years,, and I’m wondering if this is normal, it doesn’t feel it. When we host it’s usually just me doing the cooking because my husband has to entertain the kids (we tried to get in laws to do it but they just want to watch tv) so I don’t see the arguement that she’s one person and it would be too much work. She lives in a 3 bed house so has the space to host so I’m wondering why she doesn’t. It’s like I can see my life stretching out in front of me and us always hosting Christmas when in laws are eventually unable to, and her never needing to, just because we are a couple.

is this normal?? Should we try address it and suggest she hosts this/ one year? Grateful for your views!

You host if you want. She hosts if she wants.

You absolutely don’t have to host. And nor does she. It’s unreasonable to expect her to.

having people for Christmas . Or my parents are coming to us this year. Well they come every year.

Grandparents and family houses are generally more set up to deal with family needs.

Single people aren't.

Generally as a single adult your needs can be fairly minimal. You sit in a chair eat, drink, sleep watch TV, maybe even (shock) talk to people and help out.

Generally, you don't burst into tears because you can't fly your drone around the living room, throw a hissy fit because you can't watch Disney+ because the singleton has no need to stream that, or sulk for the entire day because there is none of the special juice around you only drink and you can't connect to the wi fi.

Kids require all sorts of additional stuff these days, otherwise Christmas is apparently ruined. That's why on here everyone talks about buying a "massive" SUV to haul their family around.

A singleton on their own will generally do a lot less large a Christmas than families will. Generally families on their own want to do a fairly big Christmas for themselves and their kids. A singleton on their own will mostly just do a special meal and watch telly.

Yep do it because you want to, it’s a choice you are making. The martyring from women on mumsnet is never ending.

I wonder if you are op's SIL!😂

Generally, you don't burst into tears because you can't fly your drone around the living room, throw a hissy fit because you can't watch Disney+ because the singleton has no need to stream that, or sulk for the entire day because there is none of the special juice around you only drink and you can't connect to the wi fi.

Nail on head.

She doesn’t have to host. But I don’t understand why everyone isn’t pitching in? I meant to be honest three extra people is hardly a lot and it’s just a glorified roast. Surely someone can peel some spuds and make some gravy whilst someone else lays the table and then the others wash up??

Me and DP don't have kids, and despite living in a 3 bed house, only own 4 big plates, 3 side plates, 4 pasta bowls, 2 baking trays, a single pyrex dish, a wok and 2 saucepans. This does all we need, but wouldn't cater for family Xmas. We also don't have a giant dishwasher. We have 3 chairs at a small table, and a 3 seater sofa.

My parents and grandparents both had all this in their times of hosting Xmas, a seperate set of 'hosting' cutlery, a big dining table, range cookers, warming drawers etc. It makes much more sense for them to host. My brother with kids also has a more similar housing set up now in terms of plenty of the practical things, proper dining table, dishwasher etc.

We generally went to one of the big houses, but did all muck in with bringing courses or cooking. I actually quite like the gantt chart that is prepping Xmas dinner, it appeals to my nature, but my house and facilities don't suit 8-12 people.

Just ask your SIL to provide a course if it bothers you that much. If you've not done this and are just moaning about her on the assumption you think she cant be bothered it's a bit unfair in my eyes.

Slightly off topic but not entirely unrelated... M&S Christmas food slots are now open. I'm hosting this year and have booked it already. It's all prepared and conveniently put into foil trays so it means my Christmas morning isn't spent peeling potatoes and shelling sprouts. I also opt for a turkey crown for carving ease.

OP - Make life easier for yourself if you're feeling the pressure of hosting because your SIL isn't going to magically start anytime soon. I can't recommend Marks enough it really takes the stress out of it.

Christmas Food to Order at M&S

Your sister in law may never have thought of it. It's possible she'd have no idea how to host Christmas. I wouldn't say anything to her about it as long as she is a nice enough person and mucks in on the day.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to, if you'd prefer to have Christmas on your own one year, say so. However, if you enjoy it, and many do, what's the problem?

It sounds like you're annoyed about the expectation and directing some resentment towards her. If she hasn't offered then she clearly doesn't want to. If you don't want to, you don't need to either. I think it's quite snide to make any kind of 'suggestion' to her. If you've got a problem with how it is change what you're doing.

Have you ever asked her to host. A quick message to say you feel like you need a break from hosting and asking her to do it is all you need

OP, I have the exact opposite problem to you!
I am the single one of the family. I would love to host Christmas, it’s actually something I always dreamed of doing. I have the space to host everyone, I can afford it, I can cook, bake, I’m good at organising entertainment, I’m social, I just love to host! But in my family no one will come for Christmas because “it doesn’t make sense for us all to travel to you, it’s easier for you to come here because you are on your own” - exact response I get every year, despite my explaining I would enjoy it and appreciate the experience.
I’ve stopped going to them in the hope it might trigger a change but no joy.
Every winter I decorate my house really festively, get all of the lovely food in. Just for me!
You’re welcome at mine if your SIL doesn’t want to host you.

Maybe she can’t cook? I can’t so wouldn’t offer to host anyone but my parents. I just have no skill for it.

Although, to be honest I find my brother and SIL absolute bores so I wouldn’t go to them anyway!

I agree with this. I would not want to host anyone. I am a huge introvert and hate having anyone in my house aside from my own DC.

You don’t have to invite anyone.

When I was married to exH, we extended invitations to his parents a couple of times for Christmas at ours, which they provisionally accepted but then decided to head to SIL's when they received a better invitation from her. Presumably because she had kids and we didn't, so they thought it would be more fun.

After that I became more in line with the "Fuck You" school of hosting,

Well, your husband has 3 months to practice cooking a roast dinner and you have 3 months to develop your child entertainment skills. Mix it up a bit this year - no one will die, even if the dinner isn’t perfect and children not entertained every minute. Problem solved.

Well if you like the big family Christmases then yes you often will need to do the hosting. Otherwise just say you are having a quiet Christmas with just you and your husband and DC. Maybe she isn’t bothered and just comes to see her DPs. It is a lot of work so as it is your DHs family why not pass some of the work on to him? Personally I would say if you want a break just say no and let your DHs family sort themselves out.

I don’t expect anything and always ask what I should bring.

But I am never hosting. I have made that crystal clear to family.

If OP (or her MIL) is doing all the cooking, it’s still just one person doing all the work. Same as SIL….

But I do believe that the person wanting to do the big family Christmas should be the one doing most of the hosting.

Couldn’t SIL bring a pudding? Starters? Or the wine? That way it might feel a bit more equal/balanced.

Oh no… I know you’re just an internet stranger but I absolutely understand you. I love hosting, decorating etc. and not being able to share that joy with your loved ones…

Families (and society in general) can be very harsh on single people, unfortunately.

I literally don't have enough crockery or pots/pans to host Xmas dinner so never offer.

I don't assume invitations though and will happily stay home alone if DH is working Xmas day and no one invites me. I always offer to buy the wine and snacks etc though, does your SIL provide anything or turn up empty handed?

Your previous posts indicate that your FIL is very much part of the scene but does nothing and your husband does nothing (I'm sorry, but 'watching the kids' is a complete cop-out, as is his convenient inability to shove a turkey in the oven).

You seem to be of the belief that it's only the women in the family who should be doing the "hosting" - which I find absolutely staggering in this day and age.

Talking about all this 'work', 'burden' and 'mental load' - it's a glorified Sunday dinner!

I hosted my large family for many years after my parents became unable to, until my sister decided she wanted to take over (mainly cos she is a much better cook). It was never a chore, I bloody loved it. And shock! Horror! I didn't have a husband to look after my child!

There are family members who have never hosted - but who cares? I'd say to either do it joyfully or don't bother doing it at all. Christmas spirit and all that.