To not want my friend to stay the night when she visits?

[Ihopeyourehappy]

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

Your house your choice and it does sound like your friend is the one more interested in meeting up so if she is dead keen, I don’t think you are unreasonable in having your own boundaries. This was me in a similar scenario last month but without your issues of no spare bed and house works. I’d had an incredibly stressful August and was generally frazzled and burned out. You are allowed to say it doesn’t work. I’d also feel a bit strange having someone stay who I’d only caught up with years ago in person.

Sounds like you are putting up barriers, either go visit her or pay for her to stay in a hotel.

Can you and friend both go to a hotel?

6 hour round trip is way too much to do in one day if it’s not an emergency or work are paying!
travelling is tiring, surprisingly, and it’s limiting what time you have togther if she isn’t being expected to get up at crack of dawn or/and get home late.
by themselves your reasons are not unreasonable though. So options are

You pay to put her up in nearby decent b and b or similar. She is making effort and expense to travel to you, and it’s not unreason able of her to expect to stay at yours and you host her. So don’t make her foot that bill too. That’s a bit rude frankly
or
cancel the visit. Say you want to meet f2f but practically the logistics don’t work for her staying with you and it is too far to do a round trip in one day. Agree you are friends best suited to non physical meet ups. Do a video call etc
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look hard for a place around half way between you that you both travel to and back in a day. There’s some great options to do that. I regularly meet my dc half way between each of their different homes ( living 150 and 210 miles away respectively). I can meet up with one of them and even not take a full day but still have plenty of time together and be back in our own beds that night.

Your friend will leave hers at 8 am to get to the train station, buy tickets say at least £200 return and travel 3 hours. She will then have lunch and drinks plus tea £50 while she chats with you. Then 4 hours later she catches the train home to get in safely by 7. Expensive chat for her I think.

just cancel the visit ..

Sounds like you’re not really bothered about seeing her tbh. If I were her, I’d be hurt by your excuses and reluctance. You haven’t seen each other for 4 years anyway. Not really much of a friendship, is it! Plus sounds like she’s the one making all the effort.

Would you accept if on that basis she’d cancel the visit?

I think you have to decide if you actually want to be friends and put a bit of effort it or continue with a fake friendship where the timing/circumstances are never quite right and another 4 years goes by without meeting up.

I understand where you're coming from. But as things stand, she is the one putting the effort in & you're not really putting yourself out in any way.

Ask to meet half way - go online and find something interesting to do midway between you both, and somewhere appealing to eat, and say "honestly the house is a tip, so I was hoping you'd like to meet at xyz instead, there's a great restaurant for lunch and an amazing <thing to see /do> that I could book for us. I really want to catch up with you and at least that way neither of us is spending 6 hours of our weekend traveling!". If she's adamant shevwants to come to you, then honestly I'd just tidy up and host her on an airmattress.

Give her a firm "sorry, you can't stay over at my place" and see if she still wants to make the trip. Since you can't budget for travel to her city right now, I'm sure you'll understand if she can't stretch her budget to a hotel in yours. But you could also do a little research and suggest a few cheap, convenient hotel options for her so she can make the choice and make firm plans.

Generally, offering a lot of reasons (which of course people will pick apart, thinking you're LOOKING for a solution) is much less effective than either a firm no with no explanation or a single compelling reason. In your case, she can't stay because there is literally no place for her. You can't sleep with someone else in your room, husband needs the couch. I would tell her this now - maybe say you didn't mention the unavailable couch part earlier because it's a little personal - and be prepared for what you'll say if she offers to bring a sleeping bag and sleep on the living room floor. Hand-wringing over whether you're a bad friend isn't going to change the fact that you CAN'T host. You may have to go back to the "after Christmas" plan if she doesn't like the hotel option.

Do what you need to do.

OP you are not unreasonable I don't feel comfortable with anyone in my space no matter how close. Tell her to postpone you both pick somewhere in the middle and stay in a hotel ❤️

I don't think you are unreasonable, and nor is she for wanting to stay over after such a long trip. I hope she gets back to you about meeting after the New Year, but she may also decide that you aren't that interested in a friendship and back off.

Is that how people actually speak with their friends (or 'only on Mumsnet')

I totally get you OP. I have some amazing friends who l love dearly, but I need my own space and down time. Don’t question yourself. We’re all different. All I will say is that if friend doesn’t get in touch, please don’t reach out, apologise or do anything. She’s entitled to sulk, but you’re entitled to feel how you feel. You’ve done nothing wrong, you’re both probably lovely people, but are different. It’s not black and white.

I would suggest reading Let Them by Mel Robbins. Available on Audible too. She is so good at showing us how to set boundaries, how to learn to feel guilt free and accept that others opinions are not more valid than ours. I wish you well.

I thought you were being unreasonable until I saw your second post, and then I got it. After a long day out with my friend, I would just want to come home and lie down on my heat pad too - I imagine you’ll be tired and in pain afterwards.

She is coming an awfully long way though by the sounds of things. Do you think you could power through just this once for the sake of your friendship? She could sleep on the sofa as she suggested, and she won’t see the mess in your room either then.

Does she know about your endo? I would hope that she would understand you’ll be tired and in pain after a day out and might not feel up to a late night!

It’s hard living with chronic pain, having a big day out can be daunting (on top of the anxiety and you not seeing her for a long time). I think you are building up your worries to be more than they are, though - if you can push yourself to go ahead & let her stay, I think you’ll have a lovely time and be glad you did it x

Was

Just say, "Friend, staying at my house isn't going to be possible. There's no spare bedroom and the living room is full to the brim with building materials .
I'm sorry to do this, but we could still meet halfway or leave it til the new year, when things should be less chaotic in the house.".

I explained why in an earlier post.

This isn't the right way for the two of you to meet up.

You need to find somewhere halfway between you that's nice and on a trainline. Both travel an hour and a half, have lunch, travel back to your own homes.

None of this all day/overnight stuff. It doesn't suit your socialising style and you cannot host her (both are perfect reasonable).

Slightly different perspective, it sounds like your anxiety is making you want to avoid having her to stay. I think you have a choice here. You could tell her what you're feeling and ask her forgiveness in advance for the sleeping arrangements; or you could tell her what you're feeling and ask to postpone the visit until you feel more ready.

I assumed I would be going to her

we can meet up and I can come to her

You seem to want to see her but not till after Christmas and only at hers!

Could you not explain to her what you posted, that because of your endometriosis pain you or your partner generally sleeps on the couch so there would be nowhere for her to stay?

Totally weird and unreasonable. It wouldn’t occur to me not to offer her the sofa.
You want to be on your own after meeting up with her? Honestly, it amazes me that some people get through adult life.