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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my friend to stay the night when she visits?

295 replies

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 11:07

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

OP posts:
MsTamborineMan · 03/10/2025 13:41

Catpiece · 03/10/2025 11:18

Its my home with my rules

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Yes of course. But still rude. You cant expect to keep friends if you speak to them like that

Nestingbirds · 03/10/2025 13:43

Differentforgirls · 03/10/2025 13:13

They speak every week.

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They haven’t seen each other in FOUR years!

samthepigeon · 03/10/2025 13:46

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 11:07

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

A six hour drive to see someone for a handful of hours. That is a big ask.
Why not meet half way?

I always open my house to anyone who wants to stay (no spare room, so they have to rough it in the living room on an air bed, and the house is a tip and full of people), and all my family are on-board with having people over, but I understand not everyone is the same.

Castlereagh · 03/10/2025 13:47

Not criticising you at all but just a suggestion -it sounds like you often feel anxious about social situations? If so, think about previous times where you have been worried, were your anxieties justified, did the meet ups feel awful, or did you feel happy that you'd met with your friend/s? There are CBT and mindfulness activities you could use to support with the anxiety, if the positive outweighs the negative.You might decide it's worth feeling a little uncomfortable to ensure your friend feels welcome and you maintain your friendship. Assuming it's an equal, supportive friend of course

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 03/10/2025 13:48

Just be honest about how you feel. Give the reasons you've given here. Always best to be brutally honest in these situations!

Differentforgirls · 03/10/2025 13:48

Nestingbirds · 03/10/2025 13:43

They haven’t seen each other in FOUR years!

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Yes I know but imo you can be close to someone who moves away if you are still catching up weekly.

ChampagneLassie · 03/10/2025 13:49

Just be honest with her about the reasons. Your house isn’t suitable for guests and much as you’re looking forward to seeing her, due to your health you only have energy for daytime meets. This might end the friendship

YourBrickTiger · 03/10/2025 13:51

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 11:07

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

Can you stay in a hotel together and make a weekend of it? I wouldn't really want someone staying in my house either, because my cats are indoor and I'd be like a nervous wreck!

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 03/10/2025 13:55

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 12:23

yes I very much want to see her. I wish I was a different type of person but I am anxious, an over thinker, an introvert and plus I have sleep issues so I’m tired a lot of the time (I know, I sound like a catch right?!). I can’t deal with all day events, and always prefer to make day time plans instead of evening ones. We booked our wedding and I was having sleepless nights imagining having to get up early, socialise all day and not be able to leave and go to sleep when I want. We ended up cancelling and are doing something much more low key with less people. So even though I would enjoy seeing her, I wouldn’t enjoy the day as a whole. I would be out walking around manchester knowing that I have to prolong the day by coming back to mine and entertaining and making sure it’s not awkward (her and DP have never met or spoken before, they are literal strangers) etc. I want to see her but I don’t want to make such a huge day out of it. Plus what if it’s an endometriosis flare up day? If I’m in pain all day I just won’t have the mental or physical capacity. I just wanted to meet up, have a bit of food and a natter over some drinks or maybe visit a museum or do a bit of shopping. And then just say goodbye and go home when I can relax and unwind and go to sleep

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You want to see her, but on very specific terms (not a full day, not involving an overnight stay, etc etc). Unfortunately, she lives so far away that it's not reasonable to ask her to make a six-hour round trip on those terms.

You are going to have to postpone the trip. Don't let her travel all that way only to find you anxious and resentful.

Coatsoff42 · 03/10/2025 13:57

Im voting YABU because it seems like a really basic part of friendship to have someone sleep over after they have travelled a long way to see you. Three hours on a train with whatever idiots are on the train that day, plus all the getting to the station, the cost of the travel/eating out/whatever entertainment, getting up and having another three plus hours travelling with random idiots back the next day…

The effort/cost you would have to put in would be very little compared to your friend’s.

It seems like you could have a bit more generosity towards them but I accept you can do whatever you like. It just seems a bit mean spirited.

burnoutbabe · 03/10/2025 13:59

SpinandSing · 03/10/2025 12:05

Honestly, I would tell her you're not ok with her having the couch. I think you might be an over explainer/thinker so just tell her you don't have the room and don't get drawn into it. Her version makes a day out into a two day event so I completely get where you're coming from - it's not what you're up for. Just make sure you reciprocate and stay in a hotel near her next time - or you could pay for the hotel for you both to stay in if you meet up in the future.

Be firm and don't feel you need to make her see it your way. And if she has a huff then that's on her - not you. Stick to your boundaries - you've got good reason for them and they don't have to be universally acceptable...they're your reasons so be confident in them.

I sgree

you are up for a nice day meeting for lunch and afternoon then both leave at 6ish.

i’d be honestly quite happy to do a 3 hour journey for lunch if I wanted to catch up with someone.

adding an overnight would mean awkwardness about the next day -when do they go? How do you ask them to go? M
so I’d just say you are happy to meet for lunch and coffeee but health issues mean you can’t do much more abs if it’s not convenient wait until after Xmas for you to travel to her or meet half way (I assume you’d also prefer one day trip then)

though how expensive is a cheap day return train? £40 maybe? Won’t you be paying that anyway if she comes up yours as you’d be paying for her lunch in return for her covering travel?

Original poster
Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 14:01

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 03/10/2025 13:55

You want to see her, but on very specific terms (not a full day, not involving an overnight stay, etc etc). Unfortunately, she lives so far away that it's not reasonable to ask her to make a six-hour round trip on those terms.

You are going to have to postpone the trip. Don't let her travel all that way only to find you anxious and resentful.

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I don’t know how to say this in any other way. I have not asked her to make this trip. I said when I have the money after Christmas we can meet up and I can come to her. I have also text her since and said we can meet in the middle. She is the one deciding that she wants to come and she wants to spend the money as long as I put her up for the night. I am saying that won’t be possible so let’s wait a few months when I’m in a better position and we can work something else out that is suitable for us both

OP posts:
allmymonkeys · 03/10/2025 14:02

I'm not going to vote on whether you're being reasonable or unreasonable because reason don't come into it - it's an emotional dilemma. You really like and want to see your friend, but you're dreading the idea of her being in your space overnight.

If you put her off again she is going to be hurt and she is going to believe that in reality you're making excuses because you don't want to see her. Not true, I get it; but she won't be able to escape that conclusion.

She's prepared to rough it overnight, she's not expecting the Ritz; but you're looking around your "lived in" space and thinking about how she kept you up all night on holiday and and and...

Two things. One, you and this lady are very good friends and you can tell her what you're thinking (especially that you need to switch off at a set time). Then, two, you can grit your teeth, get as much sleep as possible in the preceding week, and throw all of your energy and attention into welcoming your friend to the bomb site for eight to ten hours and enjoying your time together.

By the way, I speak as someone who absolutely hates being out of my own bed, who always ensures that any guest has clean bed linen and a clean towel and at least basic comfort, and having stayed at a number of other people's houses over the years has come to realise that some of those others regard clean sheets, basic heating and a worry-free mattress as optional extras. My beloved late boss once said to comfort me, when I was stressing, "we don't love you for your dusting, you know." And your friend isn't coming all that way to admire your decor.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 03/10/2025 14:05

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 14:01

I don’t know how to say this in any other way. I have not asked her to make this trip. I said when I have the money after Christmas we can meet up and I can come to her. I have also text her since and said we can meet in the middle. She is the one deciding that she wants to come and she wants to spend the money as long as I put her up for the night. I am saying that won’t be possible so let’s wait a few months when I’m in a better position and we can work something else out that is suitable for us both

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Based on what you've said, you haven't directly told her not to come. You've told her she can't stay because you don't have a spare room, and she has responded saying she doesn't mind the sofa.

Either she has the hind of a rhino or you aren't being clear enough. It's probably a bit of both. You're going to have to be much, much more direct with her. It's possible that this might affect the friendship but you can't control that.

PuzzleMix · 03/10/2025 14:06

As a sociable introvert, l totally get it. I enjoy socialising but if l don't get that downtime alone then l get exhausted. Having people to stay/staying over at a friend's is a 'no' from me! It's hard to get non-introverts to understand without them thinking you are 'weird', 'unsociable' or 'rude'. Also, given all the other reasons l think you are justified in explaining it's not going to work right now and do something in the future. I wouldn't say you're miserable as you said, you just know what your limits are for your mental and physical wellbeing.

SantaAnaWinds · 03/10/2025 14:12

OP, as someone with a chronic illness and sleep/tiredness issues, I just wanted to say I really sympathise with you here. It’s hard work (especially feeling that you’re miserable/unaccommodating) to cope with. I don’t like having people to stay or staying with other people for similar reasons to you. I will be driving to see my friend 4.5 hours away in a few weeks but I will stay in a hotel because that’s my preference.

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time, but we’re not all the same socially and that’s okay. Hope you find a solution with your friend x

Daygloboo · 03/10/2025 14:14

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 11:07

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

You are a rubbish friend.

FemWoman · 03/10/2025 14:18

You sound very selfish. I don't see any issue, the issues are in your head and you are using them as an excuse.

Daygloboo · 03/10/2025 14:19

SpinandSing · 03/10/2025 12:05

Honestly, I would tell her you're not ok with her having the couch. I think you might be an over explainer/thinker so just tell her you don't have the room and don't get drawn into it. Her version makes a day out into a two day event so I completely get where you're coming from - it's not what you're up for. Just make sure you reciprocate and stay in a hotel near her next time - or you could pay for the hotel for you both to stay in if you meet up in the future.

Be firm and don't feel you need to make her see it your way. And if she has a huff then that's on her - not you. Stick to your boundaries - you've got good reason for them and they don't have to be universally acceptable...they're your reasons so be confident in them.

To be honest I think you should both knock it.on the head. You are very conditional friends. And thus not reslly friends at all. Just people who do chit chat.

TeaRoseTallulah · 03/10/2025 14:22

Is it really that big a deal to give your couch to someone who is travelling all that way to see you?

Just go up to bed when you get in if you don't want to stay up, it's not like being on today together.

Tbh if I was getting the train to see someone and they didn't offer me the sofa I wouldn't bother.

Differentforgirls · 03/10/2025 14:25

Daygloboo · 03/10/2025 14:14

You are a rubbish friend.

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People could say the same about you...

Daygloboo · 03/10/2025 14:27

Differentforgirls · 03/10/2025 14:25

People could say the same about you...

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No coz id let my friend stay

Differentforgirls · 03/10/2025 14:31

Daygloboo · 03/10/2025 14:27

No coz id let my friend stay

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That's you though. People can be friends without staying overnight with each other. I get where you're coming from but we're all different and if the OP was such a rubbish friend then she wouldn't be in this situation as she clearly is a good enough friend for her pal to want to stay with her!

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/10/2025 14:32

So no spare room it will be the sofa

house messy /extra stuff about

she likes late nights you don’t

be blunt

say the sofa isn’t the right length for sleeping on so be the floor /blow up bed

have a tidy up

get a blow up bed. Always handy to have. Think mine was £15 from Argos

do say to her you are tired /need sleep and will be in bed early /by 10/11 and needs to sleep on sofa /floor but if that’s ok with her then you would love to see her

honestly your reasons are a bit meh. She’s travelling hours to come and see you. You haven’t seen each other for 4yrs
it’s one night. Not a week

Delatron · 03/10/2025 14:32

Why can’t people understand that everyone is different. And some things are just really hard and draining for some people.

OP - has she replied about your suggestion to meet half way in the new year. Sounds like the best idea to me