To not want my friend to stay the night when she visits?

[Ihopeyourehappy]

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

I don’t blame you op.

Friend sounds pushy and insensitive. It's sad that someone would invite themselves to stay over then guilt trip you into hosting them overnight, when you've tactfully said it's not convenient. You don't have a spare room, you have a chronic illness (fellow endo sufferer here) and you're awaiting new wardrobes.

She should pay for her own accommodation, if she wants an overnight trip.

I'd tell her you can't have her at yours overnight. You don't need to give a reason. She can come for day or book somewhere.

I doubt she really expects to share your bed?

Just tell her the couch is not an option either as either yiu or your partner will need it. Tell her that unfortunately yiu just can’t accommodate her now so either she comes fkr just the dsy or later in the year.

So rude! Presume you are friendless.

If someone treated me like that, I really wouldn't feel like their friend; I'd feel like a nuisance.

I know you said money is tight, but could you rustle up enough for a cheapish hotel room in the city centre? You could both stay there (share a room or get one each), saves the faff of getting a taxi home after a meal/drinks

OP, do you think the fact you’ve not seen her in person and feel you need to “perform” might be adding to your anxiety here? Obviously it feels overwhelming and I get there are multiple reasons this doesn’t feel like it’ll work socially for you - but she clearly is craving connection and wants to see you. Your best in this situation is more than enough (and if it’s not, well, she’s not your friend anyway).

You'd say that to a friend who's travelling quite a distance to meet up with you?

I think you'll need to suck it up to be honest. Quite rude to expext her to come all that way then pay for a hotel.

I completely understand all of your reasons and I have also felt similarly on many occasions. I think where you have gone wrong and where you are a bit unfair is that you have let the preparations and discussion come this far. You should have shut it all down until you were ready to do the visit on your terms. Tell her the couch is not an options as you are doing house renovations and it’s just not a good time. Otherwise suck it up, it’s one night.

In the future, I would avoid giving half assed excuses (like the fact you don’t have a spare room) because that’s not the reason you don’t want her in your house and either avoid the whole thing or just suck it up. Giving weak excuses only makes you look strange and unreasonable.

Presume you didn’t read my second post explaining why

Oh, it's one bloody night. Put your big girl pants on and get on with it. We all have to do things that make us uncomfortable once in a blue moon, it's hardly going to kill you to host her for one evening.

The amount of agonising over a few hours! She'll be gone before you know it and you can get back to your usual routine, and if your discomfort shows as much as you're making out here, then I'm sure she won't darken your door with her friendliness again!

I am wondering why she is being so pushy to meet up after 4 years, what has changed/happened? The cynic in me thinks she wants something.
As I got older I stopped having people round for coffee, food or overnight. I just don't want to. No one has ever had a problem with it, it amuses my friends and they just accept it. I am happy to pay for coffee or lunch out I just don't want to host, I also don't do evenings. I do realise that I am unreasonable but there is no point my pretending to be a happy host. Friends accept you as you are.

Or she hasn't made many friends in her new city and she's lonely. There are easier ways to extort something from someone than travelling halfway across the country.

Agree. It is suggested so many times on here and I think it’s awfully rude and abrupt. Fine if it’s someone you don’t want a relationship with, but to say this to a friend is pretty grim tbh. I don’t think there’d be much friendship left.

Yes half an hour to decompress (or longer!) is ideal but this is a one off.
I’ve stayed with friends recently who took themselves apologetically off to their room at 9pm because they were shattered and that was fine. I would have been way more offended if they’d asked me to stay in a hotel.

i would rather suffer discomfort for one night than upset a friend.

If your friend were to post on here about how you keep putting off her visit after arranging it, she would be told that you do not want her to visit and to cool the friendship.

And that would be the right thing to do for her.

Let her sleep on the sofa. She is there to see you, not judge your house. Experience the anxiety and overthinking. Feel the discomfort and do it anyway. Constantly being limited by anxiety and overthinking only ever leads to increased anxiety and overthinking. Ultimately, increasing your isolation.

Which is more important for you to keep? Your anxiety and overthinking, or your friend?

Do your friend a favour and cancel now. Let her find something fun to do instead of enduring you

Can you not just meet in the middle for a coffee? Surely, 1.5 hours train journey will be like £30? Then coffee is £4. Have a catch up, head home late afternoon and you are in bed all snug for 10pm. No hosting, no sleep issues, no expensive nights out. 🤷🏻‍♀️

YABU
You can put up with it for one night. She's a friend, she doesn't care about the state of your house and she's happy to sleep on the couch. You can warn her in advance you need to go to bed early and then you can follow through with that and she's welcome to watch TV, help herself to late night snacks etc.
You're not a good friend though. She's making an effort to travel 3 hrs to visit you (and 3 hrs back) and you aren't even "feeding her" because you're going out for a meal and you expect her to stay in a hotel or to get the train back the same day.
If you don't want to put yourself out this one time, just for one night, just cancel but don't expect the friendship to survive.

You sound a lot like me (insomnia, anxiety etc), and I have decided that from now on I will only host friends I really truly love, because for anyone else the upheaval and sleep deprivation just isn't worth it. I think you need to be honest with her that you're just not physically or mentally up to hosting her right now and you'd rather postpone until you can afford a hotel for her or your health improves. If she cares about you she will accept that, if not then you'll know she doesn't really care.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

I’m very much an introvert and have anxiety in the ways you seem to (and AUDHD) and I would have to protect my peace whilst still having a nice time spending the day with her.

For myself I would just be honest and say that mentally I need to be able to come home to quiet and space and have an early night because that’s what I need as it’s too much sensory-wise for me too.

If I had the money I would offer to pay half her to stay at a premier inn etc but if I didn’t have the money then it’s up to her to come and pay to stay somewhere or not come at all, I’d understand that she has to do what she has to do… and the same for me.

It’s not rude to not let someone stay if it affects your mental health… no matter who the person.
It’s a valid reason, yet many people don’t see it as that because we grow up in a world where we feel we have to say yes or it’s rude… people pleasing is normalised… except we don’t have to.

Not all sofas are big enough to sleep on. Tell her you have a small uncomfortable sofa.

Or explain your husband normally sleeps there because of whatever reason.

This. You just say you don't have the room, there are major renovations taking place in your small house so you are unable to host her but you would love to spend the day together in town. Leave it to her about whether she still comes, gets a hotel, or gets the last train home?

Would you be willing to meet her half way for lunch and a walk, if she can't manage the two-way trip solo?

I'd meet her halfway and both of you stay in an airbnb

I wouldn't want someone staying if my house was a building site either