To not want my friend to stay the night when she visits?

[Ihopeyourehappy]

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

It sounds like you don’t want to meet up at all, all the staying-over issues aside.

Sounds like she is coming as she is not confident you will ever find the money/the right time to visit her or meet in the middle. Why haven't you seen each other for the past 4 years? I would have a tidy up and suck it up for the sake of a friendship - it is one night. If you are not feeling well then you need to say you need to go to bed. I think if you keep putting off a meet up then you are giving out a message that this friendship doesn't mean as much to you.

I think this should be the event that tells you, you can't carry on living like this. Either your DH commits to getting the wardrobes done, or clothes rails/canvas wardrobes are used and put off the wooden wardrobes for a year. Drills etc usually go into cases, he needs to stack these and keep things in one area. As long as it's was clean and your kitchen could be kept clean, most friends wouldn't care. Can you spare time when the Christmas markets are on?

Isn’t this also you want to see friend for say 6 hours max. If they stay it will be 24 hours as you can’t kick turn out right after waking up. So it’s the entire weekend.
i have plenty of friends I am more than happy to see for lunch and chat, but not all of them would I want to spend a whole weekend hanging out with.

Some pp on here are so rude! The OP has told her friend no yet she’s still pushing to stay. I also dislike people staying and despite having a spare room, it wouldn’t suit me. I usually swap rooms due to DH’s snoring and the dogs would immediately leap on the sofa bed with a guest. Putting someone up in the lounge means it’s out of bounds for the OP’s dp.

How's the house in general, is it tidy other than your bedroom or are you worried about the whole house being not presentable? If that's the case I would commit to tackling it so that you feel comfortable having people over.

She spend money to come see you, make a three hours trip and you refuse her to stay??!!!!

It isn’t just rude. It is bad. Just cancel, you don’t want to see her at all…can’t imagine the poor soul asking herself what she has done to you now…

actually fuming on her behalf.

Have a read about "access intimacy" - I don't think you and this friend have it yet but it sounds like you might need to try to develop it to maintain this friendship

I totally empathise with your situation. I have a long term friend who moved away but comes back frequently for different events. Every time she comes up she asks to stay with someone. I love her and we always have fun times out together but she is quite exhausting and sucks the energy out of a space when she stays over. She brings so much stuff for even an overnight stay. The last time she came my husband was using the spare room as he had been very unwell so I made up the loft room (very comfortable double sofa bed). She complained and said she had to have an en-suite so I gave her my bed. She then moaned that I hadn’t got a bath in my one but “never mind I’ll have one at home”.
Some of my friends’ husbands have vetoed her staying again. If it was me I would book into a hotel/Airbnb. Everyone did warn her about moving away from all her friends.

Anyway, apologies for hijacking your post but if I were you I would sell her the idea that if you postpone it you could turn it into a nice girly weekend away at a hotel halfway between you. No worries about tidying the house, snoring DH or sofas. Pick out a few ideas to show you really want to spend time with her. Good luck.

I’d be blunt and say if she doesn’t want to booo a hotel at the moment then we can cancel.

You don’t have the space. No further discussion.

Agree! Some people’s social battery wears down quickly, especially with someone you’ve not seen for 4 years and all day maybe too long. Op never said she doesn’t value friend or does not want to meet, she just wants to meet for lunch or dinner etc, not for a whole 24 hour type visit in her own space

Could you afford to stay the night in a hotel after your night out and can both have your own room.?

You're fine. She decided to come and see you, she also invited herself to stay at yours.

It's fine to say no. It really is. Bit different if you'd asked her to come to you but you didn't.

I think you just have to be straight up . 'The house isn't fit for guests just now and I can't afford to share your hotel costs. That's why I said let's me half way or after Christmas.' No point not being direct with a friend.

Could you say something like, "this is really embarrassing but DP suffering from [psoriasis, IBS??] and we need privacy at the minute". White lie to just shut the request down. You could offer to pay a bit towards the hotel?

Why not both stay in a hotel ,twin room…or seperate rooms and then it’ll be like a little mini break for you and her..all the luxury of a hotel ,make it a posh hotel in the centre ..sit chatting catching up,over cocktails ,a meal….what I did recently with a gf that I hand t seen for 8 yrs..!! Worked out great..

If you don't want her to stay, don't have her to stay. Your reasons sound valid. Now I'm older, I need my own space to recharge. If you tell her before she comes and say it would be lovely to see her but it's too stressful to have her in the house this time and you don't want to compromise on that because everything is up in the air for you. To be honest, staying with you does not sound great. Getting a hotel room would be nice for her. I always used to have friends to stay but as we've all aged, friends have stayed in hotels. It works better for all of us. We meet up. They have chance to do a bit of shopping and we have a great time. You don't need to be joined at the hip.

Nothing wrong with having boundaries, I would just say no it won’t work for me, you need to book somewhere to stay.

She replied today yeah, she said she still wants to come and she will get a hotel. I called her and said I feel guilty though but she just said she doesn’t mind as she hasn’t had a trip for ages and wants to come. She lives in her family home with her parents so I think she’s really looking forward to getting away for the night and having some space away from them

That's a great outcome. It's hard saying no but you wouldn't have been happy or comfortable, you can enjoy your catch up without worrying now.

Maybe she can’t easily afford the cost of train tickets, a night out AND a hotel. I should think all that would cost a bomb.

tbh i think you are being a bit mean

a bit mean