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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brother is annoyed that I have learnt his wife's language

279 replies

poochuspoochus · 03/10/2025 10:21

My brother got married yesterday and they have been together for seven years. I really love languages and although it wasn't a language I knew at all before I was introduced to his now wife I find it to be a really interesting one. So over the last seven years I have picked up enough to be able to speak quite well coversationally. I don't think he realised how much I had picked until yesterday as we are in sil's country for the wedding. He has sent me a message this morning saying it was a bit weird how I have attached myself to his wife's culture and he thinks I am obsessed with his family. Firstly why is he worrying about this the day after his wedding. Also I really wasn't making a big show of speaking the language just chatting to people normally. There's really no backstory to this as far as I'm aware. I really don't him to be upset but he's the one being weird isn't he?

OP posts:
Havetogooutagain · 03/10/2025 10:23

YANBU

SoloSofa24 · 03/10/2025 10:23

Has he learnt the language? Maybe he is annoyed that you have shown him up by speaking it better than he can?

5foot5 · 03/10/2025 10:23

Have you learnt more of his wife's language then he has? Maybe he is just embarrassed that he hasn't learnt as much as he should

Hoppinggreen · 03/10/2025 10:24

You have made him look like a Twat but thats on him not you

bigwhitedog · 03/10/2025 10:25

He sounds jealous and petty, I think it's lovely you've shown such an interest in your SIL.

HerNeighbourTotoro · 03/10/2025 10:26

This is hilarious and sad at the same time, he probably thinks he looks like an idiot for not learning it while you have put a lot of effort. Shame on him, but I love you managed to do it, dont let him ruin your enjoyment of your achievement! I bet the family loves the fact you learned the language and he's just envious.

35965a · 03/10/2025 10:26

He’s a dick. Probably embarrassed as you know more of the language than him. I’m just assuming, because that’s the only reason I can think of!

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/10/2025 10:26

He’s jealous and embarrassed. This is on him, not you.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 03/10/2025 10:27

You’ve embarrassed him. You’ve shown that after seven years living with someone who speaks a different language, it’s perfectly reasonable to be able to have picked up enough to get by.

You’ve highlighted that it’s possible but he doesn’t care enough to try. So he’s angry at you because some people are really shit at admitting they are angry at themselves.

GoBackToTheStart · 03/10/2025 10:28

Yep, I immediately thought ‘he thinks you’ve made him look bad because he didn’t learn it’ too.

If he did, then it’s just bizarre. Why wouldn’t he want his wife to feel comfortable with his family? His sister learning the language is a pretty big set of open arms!

SparklyCardigan · 03/10/2025 10:29

I'd have replied to his message either calling him an idiot or telling him to fuck off in the other language. But I'm very petty! Grin

Trickabrick · 03/10/2025 10:30

He’s being weird, it sounds like a lovely thing to have done.

Sassylovesbooks · 03/10/2025 10:30

How much has your brother learnt of his wife's language in the 7 years they've been together?! Maybe, you've learnt much more than he has, and it's shown his lack of progress up to his wife and family?! If that's the case, it's on him and not you. It's much easier to thrown accusations at you, than it is admit to himself, that he needs to improve!

Original poster
poochuspoochus · 03/10/2025 10:31

He has picked up some but I think he maybe has struggled with it a bit. I wonder if someone said something because we normally do get on.

OP posts:
OverlyFragrant · 03/10/2025 10:32

Good on your brother to wave the reddest of red flags, as in him being the red flag, not you.

Kerrisk · 03/10/2025 10:35

What everyone else said. You showed him up and he’s being completely juvenile about it.

Is he a monoglot? You notice some weird attitudes among monoglots sometimes, as if they suspect two people speaking a language they don’t speak are always going to be saying unpleasant things about them. See the astonishing number of threads about Welsh people in shops or pubs having the temerity to speak their own language.

MNJudge · 03/10/2025 10:35

This is sad, but also he's making himself look like an idiot. I'd let it pass this time as long as he pipes down on the basis that getting married, particularly abroad and merging families from different cultures, is going to be stressful and well as joyful and people say daft shit when they are stressed and emotional.

I wonder if maybe someone has complimented you to him on your language skill/effort, and instead of taking it at face value he's heard it as "we like your sister and she's better than you". Ego, essentially.

BigOldBlobsy · 03/10/2025 10:35

Wow hats off to you! Can you give any tips on how you learnt it and how hard it was?
im envious of people who can learn a language as adults

randomchap · 03/10/2025 10:35

Talk to him, find out more about why he's feeling like this

If you're generally quite close and this is unusual for him then finding out what's going on can only be a good thing

People guessing his motivations here can't really help

Dontlletmedownbruce · 03/10/2025 10:37

If he has tried and struggled I can see why he might be upset that you did it so easily and showed him up. It's the equivalent of telling everyone you passed your drivers test first time in front of someone everyone knows has failed repeatedly. He probably had to listen to his inlaws going on about how wonderful you are and making him feel bad by comparison. I can see why he is upset. That said I am surprised he was petty enough to say this to you. I wonder is there a history of you being better at things or showing off. I just feel this didn't come out of nowhere.

EmpressaurusKitty · 03/10/2025 10:42

Has your SIL commented?

TheGreatWesternShrew · 03/10/2025 10:45

He’s clearly embarrassed. His wife has probably asked him to learn and he’s said it’s far too difficult a language for X speakers and then you’ve blown in and shown that’s nonsense.

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 03/10/2025 10:49

I have a tiny bit of sympathy with him, though not for him expressing it in that way! He probably does feel quite 'shown up'. DH is really good at languages, and a part of me was upset when he decided to learn a language that I've been trying to learn but not progressing all that well at for several years. I knew he would quickly surpass me (he did) and it did feel a bit like rubbing it in my face how easy it was and so how badly I'd done at learning it! But that was entirely about me, not him, and I didn't blame him for it. The way your brother has lashed out at you (and the weird accusation that you're doing it in some sort of creepy way) isn't ok.

Cel77 · 03/10/2025 10:49

He's probably jealous you've made such an effort and he probably hasn't! My partner and I have been together 21 years and he's barely made an effort to learn my language.

JustJani · 03/10/2025 10:53

Actually I think yes you were pretty unreasonable to reveal this on his wedding day. Why didn't you mention it beforehand? You have shown him up and he probably feels you've taken the attention from him on his big day. Yes he should have made the effort himself to learn the language but his wedding wasn't the time to do this imo.