My brother is annoyed that I have learnt his wife's language

[poochuspoochus]

My brother got married yesterday and they have been together for seven years. I really love languages and although it wasn't a language I knew at all before I was introduced to his now wife I find it to be a really interesting one. So over the last seven years I have picked up enough to be able to speak quite well coversationally. I don't think he realised how much I had picked until yesterday as we are in sil's country for the wedding. He has sent me a message this morning saying it was a bit weird how I have attached myself to his wife's culture and he thinks I am obsessed with his family. Firstly why is he worrying about this the day after his wedding. Also I really wasn't making a big show of speaking the language just chatting to people normally. There's really no backstory to this as far as I'm aware. I really don't him to be upset but he's the one being weird isn't he?

To give a different perspective….. you’re either grossly bigging up your “conversational” skills or you have dedicated a large chunk of effort to learn a language which you will only use in your SIL’s home country.
not sure which one it is but don’t make it sound like you’re some duo-lingo sponge who learned it effortlessly.
i do find that a bit weird but it’s your free time to do what you like with.

I never said he was wrong to be embarrassed or that it wasn’t harder for him - that’s for him to explain to his wife. What’s not on is to be angry with his sister.

Well done, OP. Hes jealous because you’re making him look bad

Yes, on his wedding day.
I’d be a bit upset too if my sibling did this.

How hard has he actually tried to learn his wife’s language really?? Be honest!!! He’s put barely any effort at all in hasn’t he!!! Has he joined an evening class or online class to learn it? Bought the text books?? No I didn’t think so!

I’d be upset if my partner of 7 years still couldn’t speak my language after 7 YEARS

HOW DARE YOU LEARN A LANGUAGE!!!!

Especially one spoken by a family member, and you had the audacity to hold conversations in it too? Totally unacceptable, I would go NC if I were your brother as clearly you are toxic.

So lovely of you to make an effort, I bet your SIL was really happy that you’ve made the effort to learn her language. Your brother feels like you’ve shown him up, he should’ve tried harder… he still can!

He's just feeling small. Maybe you're more naturally linguistically inclined. He by contrast has not made much effort. So he's taking it out on you. He should feel proud.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

The OP learning was accelerated by having a colleague (presumably not in the SIL's home country) who speaks the language.

There is no “should”. Learning a language is a huge undertaking, nobody is obliged to do it for another person’s gratification.

He’s probably embarrassed that his sister has learnt it better than he has. Frankly that’s his problem, not yours, and he was wrong to be rude to you about it just because he feels inadequate/insecure. He should recognise it as a lovely gesture and I bet her family think it’s wonderful that she is marrying into a family where the SiL has made such a thoughtful effort.

It’s hardly a big ‘reveal’. It’s rude to speak in a minority language in front of non-speakers when there’s a majority language everyone speaks, so presumably most of Op’s interactions with SIL are in English.

In contrast, at a wedding, with multiple family members presumably in attendance that speak the same minority language and therefore more one-on-one time with individuals/groups that speak it rather than being dominated by English speakers, Op spoke some of the language so they weren’t having to needlessly converse in a second language. That isn’t weird or making him look bad. She didn’t stand up and make a speech in that language as a surprise or something!

If he feels embarrassed shown up it’s because he’s embarrassed by his own lack of knowledge, not Op’s behaviour. She didn’t do a thing wrong.

I mean you're right to a degree. I do pick up languages quite well but I do have to seek it out and spend time on it. As someone said if it hadn't been this language it would have been something else probably.

Op, is there a back story . Are you seen as the ‘clever’ sibling ? Do you think that there is an element of sibling rivalry ?
It could be that your brother feels that you deliberately wanted to show him up to prove how clever you are which has made him feel embarrassed.

Yeah OP! You should be spending your free time scrolling on insta or watching shit TV, instead of using it to learn something new that you have an interest in! How very dare you!

Languages are beautiful and interesting to learn and you've made your sil and her family feel wonderful. Congratulations to you for learning their language. Your brother is embarrassed as he feels judged by them now, as he hasn't picked up the language like you have.

Shame he doesn’t learn together with you.

This reminds me of something that happened a long time ago: I was learning English as a Foreign Language and one of my aunts was living in the States at the time. Every time she was around I'd try and speak English with her, to practice. One day we were chilling at another aunt's place and started chatting in English, as we had been doing since I started learning the language. My aunt got mad at me for speaking English with her and said it was bad form, as everybody else didn't speak the language (which was weird, as everybody even encouraged me to practice speaking English with my aunt). Years later, the aunt who got mad at me moved to the UK, and as it turns out, she struggled a lot to learn the language, and then it struck me that she had projected her insecurities onto me that time. Had it been me, I'd never have reacted that way, but today I think it's understandable, as it probably made her feel inadequate.

A guest at the wedding or one of his wife’s family members probably made a remark to him about how well you speak their language and he’s either jealous or insecure and self-conscious that he hasn’t been able to pick it up as well as you. It’s probably as simple as that.
Well done for putting your aptitude for languages to such good use, op!

He's an insecure twat.

I think my brother would.be thrilled if I learnt his wife's language and I actually feel ashamed that I haven't tried

What a lovely thing to have done and how sad that your brother has reacted negatively. I’m going to suggest he is jealous of you. I would guess for more reasons than your innate ability to pick up languages with only a small amount of effort.

That was really nice of you to learn, you showed him up, his problem.

@poochuspoochus You say he has struggled with picking up the language so its highly likely he feels he has been shown up.

I dont think learning another language is wrong, so no you have done nothing wrong, but i would probably say it was a perhaps without thought or a bit tactless if you know he has struggled to learn the language. I know a couple where she has really struggled ith even the basics of her DH's native language but their kids speak both fluently. She feels embarrassed and judged a little by his family as not being bothered to learn the language when she has tried but just cant get her head around it and make if sink in. Some poeple just cant.

So a woman learns a new skill but must keep absolutely quiet about it for fear of somehow (and bewilderingly) upsetting anyone and woe betide she actually use it, or take any pride in it, because then she’s simply showing off.

Patriarchy’s certainly partriarching today!