My brother is annoyed that I have learnt his wife's language

[poochuspoochus]

My brother got married yesterday and they have been together for seven years. I really love languages and although it wasn't a language I knew at all before I was introduced to his now wife I find it to be a really interesting one. So over the last seven years I have picked up enough to be able to speak quite well coversationally. I don't think he realised how much I had picked until yesterday as we are in sil's country for the wedding. He has sent me a message this morning saying it was a bit weird how I have attached myself to his wife's culture and he thinks I am obsessed with his family. Firstly why is he worrying about this the day after his wedding. Also I really wasn't making a big show of speaking the language just chatting to people normally. There's really no backstory to this as far as I'm aware. I really don't him to be upset but he's the one being weird isn't he?

Why is that weird? Lots of people like learning languages, that is exactly why apps like Duolingo are successful.

I live in a small farming community in California - so I grew up with many different cultural groups.
In school, in the beginning, they were all taught to speak English no matter what language they spoke at home.
I still hear of some frightening instances of narrow-minded Americans scolding people to “speak American because you’re in America” if they’re speaking Spanish or French or anything other than English.
I apologise on behalf of my countrymen if you ever run into them.
And one last thing - I miss Mrs. A’s homemade Armenian food. And Mrs. Z’s homemade Mexican food. And Mrs. D’s German food.
I miss those Yugoslavian barbecues.
There’s nothing better than homemade.
My respect to all you who carry on the food and traditions and words of your people and to those of you who learn them.

This would absolutely be me too like you I love languages and even on holiday I find myself quite quickly picking up basic sentences. Good for you for making the effort.

This occurred to me too.

I wonder why so many people on here are claiing that he's not made the effort. Maybe he's been trying but found it really difficult

I'm another of those people for whom me languages don't stick. I was pretty academic, but failed French O level twice. I travel widely and married into a Polish family, but can I ever manage more than a few words? Nope. When I travel, locals will teach me the word for something but if I need to use it an hour later, it's gone. Yet in every other subject I've achieved reasonably highly.

So yes, if I was getting married in my partner's country, and my sibling chose that exact day to unveil the fact that she'd been learning the language to conversational level, I'd feel totally humiliated.

It was his day, and you made a chunk of it about you.

Good for you. You have made a big effort to welcome your new family. Sounds like he’s just jealous. He will get over it.

How very thoughtful! Your in-law and their family will also be so pleased you've done that.

You've embarrassed him. He should have put in the same effort by now, and hasn't. He's just trying to make you look "weird" and overinvested, to cover up the fact that he now appears weirdly underinvested in his own wife.

Let it roll off you, OP. Just keep laughing about how silly he is to be bothered by this, and offer to give him a few lessons.

It’s pretty obvious he feels inferior because he hasn’t learnt the language. Sorry though, must be disappointing that your brother is behaving this way after the effort you’ve put in.

"Let it roll off you, OP. Just keep laughing about how silly he is to be bothered by this, and offer to give him a few lessons."

You obviously haven't read the OP updates, but in any case... is that really how you think it's best to deal with an adult sibling you've always got on well with and who is out of seemingly nowhere cearly really bothered about something on their wedding day? Laugh at them for being silly and tell them you can give them some lessons? Terrible advice.

Did he not know you are shit hot at - and very keen on - languages? Has he not known you long enough?

But yes, the baby does alter things. He can see a future with a bilingual child he can only understand one language of, and gatherings with the in laws where he doesn't understand what being said, even by his own kid. That's the reality isn't it? It would worry me too, but it's not your fault.

As a linguist myself, I would think he's worried about how much more you will understand of what's going on in his wife's family. You will know more than he does, even if it's perfectly harmless information. I've seen people react this way when they realised I understood what was being said, although it was actually ordinary day-to-day stuff.

As a fellow language geek I get where you’re coming from 100%. Perhaps your brother feels you’ve shown him up - that it should have been him that learned the language. Sounds like language learning isn’t a fun pursuit for him. I’d encourage him to keep at it - maybe you can help him.

Being a language-person too I can only congratulate you on adding another one to your list 😊 We're in a comparable situation : our daughter speaks our language with her children, her husband understands it and speaks it a bit. When we visit them she likes us to speak our mothertongue so the children pick up as much as possible, but we switch between both languages all the time. Glad your brother made up with you and congratulations on becoming an auntie 💝

This is what happens in my household too we are bilingual. Your brother will find that the family will keep switching to English so he is not left out. He will pick up some of the language too.

If she’d say that…she wouldn’t come here and ask if he overreacted….

Are you going to be the nosey sister in law eavesdropping on her conversations in her mother language and reporting back

it's this 100%

Learning languages is fun. Your brother is a prat.

Well obviously you have made him look bad

The OP got a lot of practice with a colleague too.

I met my ex in her country. I was already learning the language because I lived there and at that point she didn't really speak English so I ended up fairly fluent. And our kids are bilingual which is great.

My brother OTOH met his foreign wife in the UK. Her English is excellent. He's never learned her language beyond the basics and why would he, other than to communicate with the grandparents perhaps. They lived together for about seven years before having a massive wedding here with relatives from the country; If I'd suddenly burst into fluent SIL's L1 in that context it would have been well weird.

I’m not sure if you’re agreeing or disagreeing with me!?!!
“Conversational” level is pretty high considering a conversation could be about anything. It’s not, “what did you have for breakfast?”

Conversational can definitely be “what did you have for breakfast?” or “these flowers are nice” etc. It’s GCSE level at most. Generally people will adapt a conversation to the language level and interests of the other person. Most people naturally slow down and try to use simpler language when speaking with someone who’s not fluent.

Most people who don’t learn languages are holding themselves back because of fear of failure. Duolingo isn’t going to get you fluent, no, but it’ll give you the confidence to do small talk if you’ve got the guts.

OP I’m glad you made up with your brother. Maybe you can help each other with the language, and he’ll definitely pick it up with the baby. Congrats to them!

You sound like a lovely SIL. Your DB is being stupid.