My brother is annoyed that I have learnt his wife's language

[poochuspoochus]

My brother got married yesterday and they have been together for seven years. I really love languages and although it wasn't a language I knew at all before I was introduced to his now wife I find it to be a really interesting one. So over the last seven years I have picked up enough to be able to speak quite well coversationally. I don't think he realised how much I had picked until yesterday as we are in sil's country for the wedding. He has sent me a message this morning saying it was a bit weird how I have attached myself to his wife's culture and he thinks I am obsessed with his family. Firstly why is he worrying about this the day after his wedding. Also I really wasn't making a big show of speaking the language just chatting to people normally. There's really no backstory to this as far as I'm aware. I really don't him to be upset but he's the one being weird isn't he?

Some people do find it a lot easier than the average person to learn a new language, and some languages are easier than others for non-speakers to learn. So it's not necessarily so that OP is exaggerating her skills or has spent intensive hours swotting over it. She's had seven years to do this, so isn't claiming to be some super polyglot that learned with no effort.

I do hope her brother gets over his pique soon like a sensible adult.

(Also keen to know what the language is...)

How jealous and insecure do you have to be to not think this is a good thing? Reminds me of the parents getting mad that a son in law bothered to learn sign language and can converse better with their son than they can. Okay I spend too much time on Reddit, but the feelings here are not ones that should be shared. So ungracious!

And to those who seem to think OP's DB is a dick and its his problem etc. OP has said her DB has struggled with picking the language up and OP picks up languages quite easily.

Perhaps look at it like it was his wedding day in his DW's native country, he was trying to make a good impression etc. and felt shown up by his DSis.
Perhaps he felt all the compliments were going to his sister who was speaking another language and he was asked why he hadnt learnt it when he has tried but cant.

I’d just send a message back saying “lol”

Agreed.

Lucky you’re his sister and not his brother. 😄 Joking aside what language is it? I guess a guest/guests complimented you to him so I can understand him being a little bit annoyed, as it’s a fairly human reaction. That said, has he made much of an effort with the language himself?

I disagree with the majority here, it was your brothers day and you made him look/feel bad that you had learned more of the language than he had. I would be miffed too, you could have saved it for another time rather than what might have felt like a big reveal to show him up on his wedding day.

I do pick up languages quite well but I do have to seek it out and spend time on it.

Have you perhaps given the impression as you did in your OP that's it's just something you 'picked up' as opposed to saying you've actually put in effort to learning it.

I can see that your brother might be annoyed if you've given the impression that it's something you can just pick up with minimal effort.

I somewhat agree. Especially if he’s really been trying but is finding it hard going, it would look like sister is showing off a bit. But on the other hand if he just hasn’t bothered trying then I have less sympathy.

So the OP should have foreseen that her brother would be upset and pretended not to speak the language during the event? What was the statute of limitations - if she'd met up with people the following day could she have pretended to have suddenly acquired the skill overnight?

@Nearly50omg my thoughts exactly.

I think that's brilliant that you have such an ability to pick up languages and that you used your time and headspace to lean the language that your SIL grew up with. That sound like an absolutely lovely thing to do. You are a great SIL.

Thinking back to my own wedding, I remember it was terribly stressful and there were a number of silly conflicts that would never have happened if we hadn't all been under such stress. It might be that he is just frazzled right out.

I'm sure your SIL will be pleased, and even more so in about 10 and 20 year's time when your ability to communicate with her will certainly be helpful.

Your bro is unreasonable. I have a friend who is a linguist. She picks up languages easily. I am the exact opposite. Despite working at learning other languages I'm still not able to speak any other than English.

I suspect the problem is his new in-laws see his lack of language acquisition as a bit of an affront, considering a distant, in-law relative (to them) has made the effort. It denigrates him in their eyes.

YANBU. I would reply saying - I’m not obsessed, just not closed minded.

I’d be upset if my partner of 7 years still couldn’t speak my language after 7 YEARS

I don't speak my husband's language and we've been together much longer. For sure, I've picked up things here and there and I can sometimes follow a conversation but I can't speak it at all, despite my 2000 day streak on Duolingo!

Your brother is an idiot. If my sibling learnt my wife’s language I’d be impressed, very impressed and I’d be glad as they can talk to my wife’s side.

I bet the issue is he can’t speak the language so that’s why he’s annoyed.

Depends if they’re making an effort though? Some people are probably just pretty shit at learning other languages. A bit like music - two people could learn guitar or piano for 6 months and one would still sound like a nervous child while the other could play well enough to impress strangers.

Also wondering about the backstory here. Because if this were my sibling I’d probably be incredibly proud and showing them off to the guests who speak that language!

My husband colleague's are pretty much all EU nationals living in the UK. So lots of couples where they speak different languages, very few speak their partner's language to any level. Even when they're bilingual already, e.g. our friends are Italian and German, they both speak English but the Italian doesn't speak German and the German doesn't speak Italian.

Does your brother know that you now have a colleague who speaks this language? Because if not then that seems pretty relevant to tell him. It would highlight that you didn't only know it because of your SIL. He is being ridiculous, though, obviously. I agree with PP that it's probably partly embarrassment over not knowing as much of the language himself.

@poochuspoochus a lot of what ifing on this thread… what language is it OP? Depending on whichever language… the argument would sway towards one side.

Of course there is a back story there. They are siblings, there is always a back story! Just the OP's not aware of it because siblings don't view things from the same perspective and can be really surprised when they find out how different these interpretations are. The OP asks, why's he bothering about this the day after his wedding? Answer, because he's actually really bothered by it. If you want to sort it out, it's not going to happen via text/mail. Wait a bit and talk to him about it.

Well, tell him at least you can help him negotiate his divorce when his wife gets fed up with his stupidity.

I don't get that. Why?

It seems strange he’s reacted like this when you normally get on well. It’s also strange he’s taken time to contact you about it the day after his wedding.

Obviously there is something else at play here op. If you genuinely care about him I would take the time to speak to him about it. Texting ‘lol’ or automatically thinking he’s a dick isn’t particularly helpful and likely to lead to long term resentment, so I wouldn’t follow that advice. Usually reasonable people don’t react like this for no reason. For whatever reason it cast a shadow over his wedding day, so I would at least make an effort to understand why.