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Original poster

My brother is annoyed that I have learnt his wife's language

279 replies

poochuspoochus · 03/10/2025 10:21

My brother got married yesterday and they have been together for seven years. I really love languages and although it wasn't a language I knew at all before I was introduced to his now wife I find it to be a really interesting one. So over the last seven years I have picked up enough to be able to speak quite well coversationally. I don't think he realised how much I had picked until yesterday as we are in sil's country for the wedding. He has sent me a message this morning saying it was a bit weird how I have attached myself to his wife's culture and he thinks I am obsessed with his family. Firstly why is he worrying about this the day after his wedding. Also I really wasn't making a big show of speaking the language just chatting to people normally. There's really no backstory to this as far as I'm aware. I really don't him to be upset but he's the one being weird isn't he?

OP posts:
JustJani · 03/10/2025 12:14

Kucinghitam · 03/10/2025 11:59

So the OP should have foreseen that her brother would be upset and pretended not to speak the language during the event? What was the statute of limitations - if she'd met up with people the following day could she have pretended to have suddenly acquired the skill overnight?

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It would have been tactful for her to have had a word with her brother beforehand so he knew how well she now speaks the language. She could also have built the relationships with his family before the day so they were aware (could have been good practice for her too). It's showing up with it on the wedding day as a bit of a reveal that I think was a bit thoughtless.

Beerpink · 03/10/2025 12:14

CustardySergeant · 03/10/2025 12:11

I don't get that. Why?

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If the language in question was something like, mandarin/cantonese/vietnamese/ or most asian languages- I would be sympathetic to the brother but not his arsy behavior. Otherwise he just reads as a pure cunt if the language is European and the OP and her brother are European themselves.

DisappearingGirl · 03/10/2025 12:17

I don't think you've done anything wrong.

But I also have some sympathy with your brother (not for being an arse about it, but because all his new in-laws have seen that his sister picked up the language easily and he didn't).

I'd just leave him to come around.

Blinkingmarvellous · 03/10/2025 12:19

I spent months learning a language just for a holiday. Its a fun hobby so why not learn something new? Hope your brother gets over it soon!

Allthatshines1992 · 03/10/2025 12:20

poochuspoochus · 03/10/2025 10:21

My brother got married yesterday and they have been together for seven years. I really love languages and although it wasn't a language I knew at all before I was introduced to his now wife I find it to be a really interesting one. So over the last seven years I have picked up enough to be able to speak quite well coversationally. I don't think he realised how much I had picked until yesterday as we are in sil's country for the wedding. He has sent me a message this morning saying it was a bit weird how I have attached myself to his wife's culture and he thinks I am obsessed with his family. Firstly why is he worrying about this the day after his wedding. Also I really wasn't making a big show of speaking the language just chatting to people normally. There's really no backstory to this as far as I'm aware. I really don't him to be upset but he's the one being weird isn't he?

He thinks you're trying to poach his new family (similar to friend poaching). If you're single and childless that won't help your case as in his mind you're trying to push into his family using your relationship to him. He's cultivated a family of his own through effort. He thinks you're overstepping. He's uncomfortable with that.

A very simplified childlike reaction would be him saying something like 'Get your own spouse from another country. Have your own children with aforementioned spouse. Learn your own spouse's language to speak, don't muscle into mine'. This is the gist of his feeling on this.

Namechangerage · 03/10/2025 12:20

I agree he’s probably jealous and you’ve shown him up. If you can learn the language why hasn’t he?!

If you like languages and wanted to learn a new one, why wouldn’t you choose one where you have a connection to it through family.

Just ignore.

Keepsmiling2948 · 03/10/2025 12:23

If he has really tried to learn the language and has struggled I can see why he would be frustrated….BUT if it’s just a case of he couldn’t be arsed then that’s on him and he’s just embarrassed that he’s been shown up.

you’ve don’t nothing wrong. It’s lovely that you have learnt another language

Butchyrestingface · 03/10/2025 12:29

I think he felt insecure and self-conscious about his language learning abilities on his wedding day. OP says he has struggled to pick up the language so it doesn't sound like he's made no effort. Whereas she finds it easier to pick up languages.

That's not her fault and it's not his fault. He definitely could have handled it better, but in my heart of hearts, I can understand why he may have felt exposed and embarrassed at a time he least expected to (and by a member of his own family).

That's still not to say I think OP did anything wrong. But I can understand to an extent his feelings (if not his choice to express them).

kodakpp3 · 03/10/2025 12:30

Any decent person will teach themselves/learn about things/try to understand to help you get on with and welcome people into the family.

In this case a language.

In my case motorbikes, inner workings of NHS, dog ownership, not being white, not being straight, data protection etc etc.

Languages would have been hard for me - but I'd have given it a go.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 03/10/2025 12:39

lol he’s just mad you’ve managed to learn and he didn’t

I’d be super happy if anyone in my partner’s family bothered to learn my language beyond a gracias

Worralorra · 03/10/2025 12:41

Just reply to him that he knows you like learning new languages, which isn’t for everyone, and that is wasn’t done to show him up, just to welcome his bride into your family!

Daygloboo · 03/10/2025 12:47

poochuspoochus · 03/10/2025 10:21

My brother got married yesterday and they have been together for seven years. I really love languages and although it wasn't a language I knew at all before I was introduced to his now wife I find it to be a really interesting one. So over the last seven years I have picked up enough to be able to speak quite well coversationally. I don't think he realised how much I had picked until yesterday as we are in sil's country for the wedding. He has sent me a message this morning saying it was a bit weird how I have attached myself to his wife's culture and he thinks I am obsessed with his family. Firstly why is he worrying about this the day after his wedding. Also I really wasn't making a big show of speaking the language just chatting to people normally. There's really no backstory to this as far as I'm aware. I really don't him to be upset but he's the one being weird isn't he?

My mum.is foreign and I just naturally picked up a lot of her language hanging out with her family over the years. I never formally learnt it. It just happened. That's the way language works. Tell him that. Maybe he'll feel less threatened if he knows that it just happened..But he is being a bit of a dick.. Maybe you should back off for a bit and if they say anything then say you felt a bit snubbed by him having such a stupid attitude. Its their loss.

Appenzell · 03/10/2025 12:49

Exhaustedanxious · 03/10/2025 11:19

To give a different perspective….. you’re either grossly bigging up your “conversational” skills or you have dedicated a large chunk of effort to learn a language which you will only use in your SIL’s home country.
not sure which one it is but don’t make it sound like you’re some duo-lingo sponge who learned it effortlessly.
i do find that a bit weird but it’s your free time to do what you like with.

Woah, who do you think you are to make such an assessment on the OP's learning ability? That's bang out of order.

Fargo79 · 03/10/2025 12:50

Small men do get like this. And I mean small in character, not physical stature (obviously) before anybody leaps down my throat.

He is having big sad/angry feelings about his own inadequacy as a partner, now husband, and he is projecting those onto you. I thought your response was very good. I'd just keep responding in the same vein as necessary, but ignore the topic wherever possible.

Dozer · 03/10/2025 12:51

Yes, seems most likely he is jealous about your effort and ability with the language and/or insecure or guilty about his own.

TabithaZ · 03/10/2025 13:03

OP is it a common language like Italian or have you gone out of your way to learn Tagalog or a regional accent in Bulgarian?

It’s not unreasonable that in seven years you’ve learned to speak the language…begs the question why hasn’t he?

I think it’s a lovely thing to do and if it was my sibling I’d by singing your praises to my new in laws saying how talented you are at languages and how proud he is that you’ve taken an interest.

He seems to be a bit of a dick, and you seem rather nice. I don’t think he deserves you!

SilverCamellia · 03/10/2025 13:03

Your brother is an arse. Well done on learning the language.

PsychoHotSauce · 03/10/2025 13:03

Exhaustedanxious · 03/10/2025 11:19

To give a different perspective….. you’re either grossly bigging up your “conversational” skills or you have dedicated a large chunk of effort to learn a language which you will only use in your SIL’s home country.
not sure which one it is but don’t make it sound like you’re some duo-lingo sponge who learned it effortlessly.
i do find that a bit weird but it’s your free time to do what you like with.

Such a weird take. I'm learning Pitman shorthand for no reason whatsoever. There's no practical life use for it in this day and age but some of us like to learn things just because we enjoy it.

I can tell you're not a language learner either because getting 'conversational' in 7 years takes bottle more than skill or huge chunks of effort tbh. The confidence to try and articulate yourself knowing you'll make embarrassing grammatical and vocab mistakes is the biggest hurdle. She's not passing an exam, she's having conversations. Kudos to you OP, your brother is probably worried that his wife will be like 'Why aren't you making more effort to learn my language? Even your sister has!' Wink

Northernparent68 · 03/10/2025 13:05

It depends on how and why you did it.

did part of you enjoy showing your brother up and why hadn’t you mentioned it before, was it so that you could be the centre of attention

middleagedandinarage · 03/10/2025 13:06

SoloSofa24 · 03/10/2025 10:23

Has he learnt the language? Maybe he is annoyed that you have shown him up by speaking it better than he can?

I would almost guarantee this is his issue!

Shessweetbutapsycho · 03/10/2025 13:08

Sorry I know it’s not the point of the thread but I’d be really grateful if you were able to share some tips for picking up the new language? I’d love to be able to reach a conversational level but not sure how!

MyKhakiPanda · 03/10/2025 13:08

He needs to take some language lessons! Just wait til the kids come along and the DW and the kids speak her language but he doesn't...
I know a school mum who's just got divorced from her arse of a husband and one of the things he tried to impose was that she not teach their children her native language! She spoke French, Russian fluently as well as learning English when she met him. He hated that his kids were trilingual...

PoppyFleur · 03/10/2025 13:10

Exhaustedanxious · 03/10/2025 11:19

To give a different perspective….. you’re either grossly bigging up your “conversational” skills or you have dedicated a large chunk of effort to learn a language which you will only use in your SIL’s home country.
not sure which one it is but don’t make it sound like you’re some duo-lingo sponge who learned it effortlessly.
i do find that a bit weird but it’s your free time to do what you like with.

Seeing as we don’t know the language in question or what other languages the OP speaks, I’m not sure how you arrived at this perspective. Some languages have commonality with others, making it a little easier to develop the building blocks of basic conversation in another language.

nosleepforme · 03/10/2025 13:18

He doesn’t have rights to the language. You can learn whatever the heck you want. Good. Bye!

UnbeatenMum · 03/10/2025 13:18

It sounds like you're interested in languages generally, have a strong aptitude and speak at least one other language already, so it doesn't sound that weird to me. I have a friend who picks languages up easily, she can get by in quite a few European languages that she hasn't formally studied.