Page 6 | My brother is annoyed that I have learnt his wife's language

poochuspoochus · 2025-10-03T09:21:21+00:00

My brother got married yesterday and they have been together for seven years. I really love languages and although it wasn't a language I knew at all before I was introduced to his now wife I find it to be a really interesting one. So over the last seven years I have picked up enough to be able to speak quite well coversationally. I don't think he realised how much I had picked until yesterday as we are in sil's country for the wedding. He has sent me a message this morning saying it was a bit weird how I have attached myself to his wife's culture and he thinks I am obsessed with his family. Firstly why is he worrying about this the day after his wedding. Also I really wasn't making a big show of speaking the language just chatting to people normally. There's really no backstory to this as far as I'm aware. I really don't him to be upset but he's the one being weird isn't he?

Krakinou · 03/10/2025 13:18

PsychoHotSauce · 03/10/2025 13:03

Such a weird take. I'm learning Pitman shorthand for no reason whatsoever. There's no practical life use for it in this day and age but some of us like to learn things just because we enjoy it.

I can tell you're not a language learner either because getting 'conversational' in 7 years takes bottle more than skill or huge chunks of effort tbh. The confidence to try and articulate yourself knowing you'll make embarrassing grammatical and vocab mistakes is the biggest hurdle. She's not passing an exam, she's having conversations. Kudos to you OP, your brother is probably worried that his wife will be like 'Why aren't you making more effort to learn my language? Even your sister has!'

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So true about confidence being the biggest hurdle. I wonder if OP’s brother is less sociable, and OP is the more charming sibling generally. He’s focusing on the language thing, but really it’s just age-old sibling jealousy rearing its head because he’s tired.

I’d just change the subject and give him time to get over himself. Maybe this will give him the motivation he needs to keep learning.

Agree with others that 7 years is a long time and he should be at a somewhat decent level, but some people just aren’t confident in speaking till they get to a very high level.

Howwilliknow122 · 03/10/2025 13:18

bigwhitedog · 03/10/2025 10:25

He sounds jealous and petty, I think it's lovely you've shown such an interest in your SIL.

Exactly. So many times we slate sils or mils for moaning or being cold about any differences and here we have a sil making effort, and getting involved instead of being negative !!

setcolorthemeGoth · 03/10/2025 13:19

It would be worth looking inwards a bit and being honest with yourself: was there an element of you that was caught up in the delight of learning the language but also really looking forward to the moment you would get to use it at the wedding and show how well you've done?

Were you a high achiever at school who thrived on praise for doing well?

I think more than one thing can be true: you can have innocently learned the language for the love of it AND you could have been subconsciously looking forward to the praise you would get for doing well, and therefore been so focused on what you were doing that you didn't give enough thought to how discouraged it might make your brother feel and how he might feel embarrassed for you to reveal your skills on that particular day.

Unfortunately, if you are a high-achieving praise junkie, then the one person who is going to recognise that is a sibling. So if you think there was an element of that, or even if your high-achieving history could reasonably have made your brother think there was, then perhaps it would be worth being a little contrite even if you don't think it's completely fair and you did learn the language completely innocently.

Obeseandashamed · 03/10/2025 13:20

How dare you take an interest in his life and learn a new skill?! Your brother sounds like he is annoyed at himself for not learning it and taking out his insecurities on you. I am intrigued to know which language it is though 😊

Absolutelydonewithit · 03/10/2025 13:20

Allthatshines1992 · 03/10/2025 12:20

He thinks you're trying to poach his new family (similar to friend poaching). If you're single and childless that won't help your case as in his mind you're trying to push into his family using your relationship to him. He's cultivated a family of his own through effort. He thinks you're overstepping. He's uncomfortable with that.

A very simplified childlike reaction would be him saying something like 'Get your own spouse from another country. Have your own children with aforementioned spouse. Learn your own spouse's language to speak, don't muscle into mine'. This is the gist of his feeling on this.

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I think, rightly or wrongly, this is exactly how op’s brother is feeling. This is possibly about sibling competition.

I guess it depends, op, in how you wanted your new found skill to go down with your brother? Did you hope he’d be touched by your efforts? Did you want to take some of the shine off him on his big day? Be honest. I think your brother has a view on what your intentions were. He may be right or he may be wrong. He may have a view but only you have the answer.

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/10/2025 13:22

SoloSofa24 · 03/10/2025 10:23

Has he learnt the language? Maybe he is annoyed that you have shown him up by speaking it better than he can?

Probably this. YANBU though, well done. He should be pleased.

JassyRadlett · 03/10/2025 13:23

The attitude of some on this thread to the idea of self-improvement and learning for the love of the thing is just bizarre. But explains a lot about the state of the country and the economy.

LemondrizzleShark · 03/10/2025 13:23

Exhaustedanxious · 03/10/2025 11:19

To give a different perspective….. you’re either grossly bigging up your “conversational” skills or you have dedicated a large chunk of effort to learn a language which you will only use in your SIL’s home country.
not sure which one it is but don’t make it sound like you’re some duo-lingo sponge who learned it effortlessly.
i do find that a bit weird but it’s your free time to do what you like with.

Some people really do pick up languages much more easily than others! Especially if they already speak multiple languages which OP says she does.

OP has spent 7 years learning, which could translate to a bit of Duolingo every day plus chatting to her colleague if she is around A2/B1 level.

Also the level of weirdness is going to depend on how obscure a language it is - nobody would blink at somebody being able to speak conversational Spanish or Italian, because British people often holiday there. I accept that if OP now speaks Xhosa, that seems a bit more niche.

moresoup · 03/10/2025 13:29

JassyRadlett · 03/10/2025 13:23

The attitude of some on this thread to the idea of self-improvement and learning for the love of the thing is just bizarre. But explains a lot about the state of the country and the economy.

Agreed! It's depressing how mindless many people are

StandFirm · 03/10/2025 13:34

Don't waste a second worrying about it OP! I think the problem for you DB is that you debunked the myth (that he was probably happy to perpetuate) that Brits have some innate inability to pick up other languages. Now they know the skill lives within the family he will be held up to your standard - no way out of it for him now haha!

ChocolateCinderToffee · 03/10/2025 13:34

Bloody hell, I wonder what sort of marriage his poor wife has got herself into!

WaltzingWaters · 03/10/2025 13:36

I think it was a lovely thing to do, and not odd if you have an interest in languages anyway.
Out of curiosity, is it a language that is widely spoken and will be useful in general/in a place you’re likely to visit regularly, or a language only used in one country that isn’t likely to be used often? I mean, either way it was fine for you to do and lovely. But if a widely spoken language then he’s being really unreasonable. He’s just jealous/embarrassed that you are able to speak more of it than he is.

TakeMe2Insanity · 03/10/2025 13:37

He just jealous of your language skills! Well done! Maybe offer to help him?

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/10/2025 13:38

ChocolateCinderToffee · 03/10/2025 13:34

Bloody hell, I wonder what sort of marriage his poor wife has got herself into!

At least she'll be able to talk to her sister in law now though.

MushMonster · 03/10/2025 13:38

He is stupid. Buy him a language course book and video set thingy for Christmas.

ManteesRock · 03/10/2025 13:40

JustJani · 03/10/2025 10:53

Actually I think yes you were pretty unreasonable to reveal this on his wedding day. Why didn't you mention it beforehand? You have shown him up and he probably feels you've taken the attention from him on his big day. Yes he should have made the effort himself to learn the language but his wedding wasn't the time to do this imo.

I agree, the OP made her brothers wedding all and her! And took the attention away from the bride and groom.
If you didn't want to overshadow them you could have easily been speaking in your SILs language before the big day!

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 03/10/2025 13:42

Exhaustedanxious · 03/10/2025 11:19

To give a different perspective….. you’re either grossly bigging up your “conversational” skills or you have dedicated a large chunk of effort to learn a language which you will only use in your SIL’s home country.
not sure which one it is but don’t make it sound like you’re some duo-lingo sponge who learned it effortlessly.
i do find that a bit weird but it’s your free time to do what you like with.

Cut down that tall poppy, amirite?!

Or maybe grow up and realise that people do have natural aptitudes for skills, and tend to enjoy spending time developing those skills.

Flakey99 · 03/10/2025 13:44

My DS learnt Japanese in order to be able to chat to his in-laws and wife’s friends. My brother learnt a European language when he got married.

Conversely, my friend didn’t make much of an effort to learn his wife’s language and now he’s divorced and even his own son doesn’t bother much with him.
Funny that…!

BatchCookBabe · 03/10/2025 13:44

Exhaustedanxious · 03/10/2025 11:19

To give a different perspective….. you’re either grossly bigging up your “conversational” skills or you have dedicated a large chunk of effort to learn a language which you will only use in your SIL’s home country.
not sure which one it is but don’t make it sound like you’re some duo-lingo sponge who learned it effortlessly.
i do find that a bit weird but it’s your free time to do what you like with.

This. ^ Going against the grain here, but I am on 'team brother.' I think for someone to learn their brother's wife's language, and then show it off at his brother and wife's wedding is really attention-seeking, and a bit insensitive. I would have been pissed off too, if I'd been the OP's brother.... It was a bit thunder-stealing.

So the OP's brother can't speak his wife's language, yeah, so what? As a few posters have said, it's not that easy for some people to learn a new language, and if the OP's brother and his new wife are living in the UK, (which it appears they are,) he doesn't need to learn her language.

My uncle married a Dutch woman who he met at work in the 1970s, they were both mid-late 20s, and she had been in the UK for 3-4 years...

Her English was very good, and she had been able to speak it for about 10 years. They got married in the UK, 3 years after meeting in the UK, and she never went back to The Netherlands. (Only to visit family once or twice a year.)

My uncle never learned to speak Dutch. He didn't need to, and his wife and family thought nothing of it. He got Married in England, and he and his Dutch wife lived in England thereafter. He had no need to speak her language. If one of his siblings had learned to speak Dutch, (purely because their brother's wife is from The Netherlands,) and gone to their wedding and spoke Dutch to the wife's family, I think everyone would have thought it very odd and attention-seeking.

@poochuspoochus YABU.

ParmaVioletTea · 03/10/2025 13:46

JassyRadlett · 03/10/2025 13:23

The attitude of some on this thread to the idea of self-improvement and learning for the love of the thing is just bizarre. But explains a lot about the state of the country and the economy.

Totally agree @JassyRadlett - and a heck of a lot of lopping off the heads of tall poppies going on.

All these suspicions about @poochuspoochus 's motivations for learning languages - that she's a praise junky or wants to show off? Crikey - no wonder there's an issue with levels of education & productivity in this country.

And the total ignorance about the values of learning other languages. The arrogance of thinking about English - well the couple will be living in the UK, so the brother doesn't need to learn his wife's language.

moresoup · 03/10/2025 13:50

BatchCookBabe · 03/10/2025 13:44

This. ^ Going against the grain here, but I am on 'team brother.' I think for someone to learn their brother's wife's language, and then show it off at his brother and wife's wedding is really attention-seeking, and a bit insensitive. I would have been pissed off too, if I'd been the OP's brother.... It was a bit thunder-stealing.

So the OP's brother can't speak his wife's language, yeah, so what? As a few posters have said, it's not that easy for some people to learn a new language, and if the OP's brother and his new wife are living in the UK, (which it appears they are,) he doesn't need to learn her language.

My uncle married a Dutch woman who he met at work in the 1970s, they were both mid-late 20s, and she had been in the UK for 3-4 years...

Her English was very good, and she had been able to speak it for about 10 years. They got married in the UK, 3 years after meeting in the UK, and she never went back to The Netherlands. (Only to visit family once or twice a year.)

My uncle never learned to speak Dutch. He didn't need to, and his wife and family thought nothing of it. He got Married in England, and he and his Dutch wife lived in England thereafter. He had no need to speak her language. If one of his siblings had learned to speak Dutch, (purely because their brother's wife is from The Netherlands,) and gone to their wedding and spoke Dutch to the wife's family, I think everyone would have thought it very odd and attention-seeking.

@poochuspoochus YABU.

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Wtf. Op wasn't showing it off., she was just speaking it.
Dear god when did we all become such small minded people

moresoup · 03/10/2025 13:54

I think my brother would be thrilled if I learnt his wife's language and was able to speak to her family. He hasnt managed to learn much due to work pressured and her wanting to sharpen up his English. But he isn't insecure or unaware of the benefits of speaking more than one language and I think he would be so happy if one of us took the time to learn it. In fact this thread has inspired me!

Boeufsurletoit · 03/10/2025 13:56

Only in the anglophone world would you be getting told you're being weird or showing off for speaking a language, or you need to reveal it to someone gently so they don't feel jealous. In most of the world it's not exactly niche! A majority of people globally speak more than one language. It's more weird not to. OP, enjoy your language learning. Nobody owns any language and you can learn what you like!

TheRemedyQueen · 03/10/2025 13:57

This thread fascinates me! I want to know which language tho.

SL2924 · 03/10/2025 13:58

NeelyOHara · 03/10/2025 11:24

Yes, on his wedding day.
I’d be a bit upset too if my sibling did this.

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Well that would be incredibly selfish and childish of you. You should grow up.

Lovely of the OP to use her natural talents to make the effort and be so welcoming of his new wife. Brava.