Page 4 | Fall out with DP - rat comment

bluemoons3 · 2025-10-02T23:05:45+00:00

Hoping for honest answers here - even if it means I am being unreasonable! Me (F34 chatterbox) and DP (M38 fairly quiet) were watching tv this evening & as our show ended we were joking about me being a chatterbox and I said if I was as quiet as him we would have a very quiet life, he said “that would be bliss” we’re both cuddled up and joking around at this point as this is often something we laugh about. He then sat up a bit and said exactly this “your mouth is moving like a rat yap yap yap” It really took me back and it clearly showed in my face, and I just was like what on earth does that mean. he then got all defensive saying it’s a quote from a comedian I’ve never heard of talking about someone talking a lot, “all over TikTok” and why the hell am I acting like he’s said something so bad. i told him I’ve never heard of that, or the man who said it and to me being referred to as having a mouth like a rat sounds extremely offensive & I didn’t like the comment. he stormed out the room & is now giving me the silent treatment. am i in the wrong here because i don’t know the quote, or even still what it means or does he have a right to be acting pissed off that it offended me a bit?

Toastea · 03/10/2025 07:39

Only seen the clip provided here out of context, but it definitely looks misogynistic and and, of course, has the wider context of very nasty misogyny and attacks on women to make it unacceptable as comedy (mediaeval women tortured by metal contraptions to stop them speaking, judges letting men off murdering their wives if they plea their wives "nagged," women being silenced across the world today, all while the research shows that men actually talk more).

Socio-political context aside, both are overreacting; OP could have accepted earlier that it wasn't meant badly, but the silent treatment is not ok.

Tagyoureit · 03/10/2025 07:44

bluemoons3 · 03/10/2025 00:30

Yeah that’s exactly how I took it, and as others have said he could of shown me the video or explained it properly to me but he just jumped on the defence and his reaction is not what I’d expected at all.
I do chatter a lot but not to the point it’s annoying it is just something we joke about normally!
Thanks for replying x

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Maybe you don't find your chatter annoying but yikes, read the room. Sometimes, people just want to chill out and not engage, silence does not need to be constantly filled.

His silly joke went wrong (probably missed the mark because he can never get a word in edgeways so cant deliever a joke properly!), you over reacted then he has really over reacted and now you both seem quite immature.

NooNakedJacuzziness · 03/10/2025 07:57

Sometimes I wonder if I should try Tik Tok but then again naaah I think I’m good thanks 🙄

warmapplepies · 03/10/2025 07:58

bluemoons3 · 03/10/2025 00:30

Yeah that’s exactly how I took it, and as others have said he could of shown me the video or explained it properly to me but he just jumped on the defence and his reaction is not what I’d expected at all.
I do chatter a lot but not to the point it’s annoying it is just something we joke about normally!
Thanks for replying x

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It sounds like he does find it annoying but can’t find a way to tell you without it hurting your feelings.

DH is the chatterbox in our marriage and sometimes I do have to tell him to just be quiet or go upstairs as I can’t hear myself think over his wittering.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/10/2025 07:59

Him storming out of the room and giving you the silent treatment when HE has upset you rather than making things better is a massive red flag. Standard abusive narcissistic behaviour to get angry about your reactions to their mistreatment of you. Please pay close attention to this. I’m less concerned about the comment (which of course isn’t nice no one wants to hear compared to a rat) and more about how he responds to you sharing your upset. A decent boyfriend wants to smooth things over and reassure you if you’re sad

Redpeach · 03/10/2025 08:01

He's also implying quiet people are better

GlastoNinja · 03/10/2025 08:02

You were having a laugh together, he continued this with a joke that you didn’t understand and got annoyed with him, accusing him of all sorts, he tried to explain but you didn’t want to hear it. The mood changed immediately, he responded to your behaviour.

BrickBiscuit · 03/10/2025 08:03

LardoBurrows · 03/10/2025 01:36

Does that guy really think he is a comedian? That clip is as funny as dogshit.

The comment about a quiet life being bliss and the storming off and silent treatment would have me questioning how I see the future of the relationship panning out - that and his terrible taste in comedy.

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If he WAS actually a comedian, and told a joke based on a similar reference, and the audience wasn't familiar with the reference, and the joke fell flat, even sounding like he was insulting the audience, and he didn't realise this, and failed to try to rescue the situation, or stormed off the stage, leaving the audience feeling bewildered and insulted, he would be less likely to get booked again. Repeating this might even end his career.

Goldenbear · 03/10/2025 08:03

I think it's hurtful but it is also not funny as a rat doesn't make you think of a chatty person. I would think of a parrot or a chimpanzee, a rat is just twitching.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/10/2025 08:05

SunnySideDeepDown · 03/10/2025 07:05

I think you need to toughen up a little. This is just a misunderstanding OP, everyone has them. A simple, what do you mean by that? Would be suffice. He then says it’s from a comedy sketch and you could have watched it together.

You unnecessarily made it into a huge personal attack - so much so you’re asking on Mumsnet. We all argue, it’s a normal part of a relationship. But you should also listen to your partner and allow him to express himself without making everything into a big deal like you did here.

I think he should allow her to express her feelings too, not stonewall her

montston · 03/10/2025 08:07

StrongLikeMamma · 03/10/2025 07:35

Is he 15? Why is he on tik tok?

How original.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/10/2025 08:07

GlastoNinja · 03/10/2025 08:02

You were having a laugh together, he continued this with a joke that you didn’t understand and got annoyed with him, accusing him of all sorts, he tried to explain but you didn’t want to hear it. The mood changed immediately, he responded to your behaviour.

This I’m afraid.

ChristmasFluff · 03/10/2025 08:07

I see this quite differently, and that is because of my own baggage, I know, but when you have lived with 2 people like this, it leaves its mark.

I'd normally 100% be against silent treatment, but I'm not convinced this is what is happening here, because of my experience.

The two abusers I lived with (my mother and the ex) would both do this thing where you'd be having a fun time, enjoying the interaction, then they would suddenly switch, and claim to be massively hurt by something innocuous. I'd try to explain - to try to get back the fun mood. But soon learned that was only going to lead to escalation and create more problems. So the easiest thing to do was to escape from the situation.

Even so, I knew this was all part of the build-up to the next 'situation' and was ultimately going to lead to a beating - so I'd be very cautious about what I'd be saying.

So I do wonder if there's an aspect of this going on - even if only motivated by his previous experience.

GlastoNinja · 03/10/2025 08:12

SunnySideDeepDown · 03/10/2025 07:05

I think you need to toughen up a little. This is just a misunderstanding OP, everyone has them. A simple, what do you mean by that? Would be suffice. He then says it’s from a comedy sketch and you could have watched it together.

You unnecessarily made it into a huge personal attack - so much so you’re asking on Mumsnet. We all argue, it’s a normal part of a relationship. But you should also listen to your partner and allow him to express himself without making everything into a big deal like you did here.

I was on the receiving end of this last week. Made a joke along the lines of one which we often make about an aspect of DHs character. He flew off the handle (not abusive before anyone leaps, just really took it to heart and was offended) and I was completely bewildered and had absolutely no idea what I’d done wrong or what I should say next because I didn’t understand what I’d done wrong in the first place.

Eventually I apologized, when I worked out what was going on, eventually he accepted the apology and admitted he’d over reacted for unrelated reasons.

OP - just speak to him and move on.

MidlandsGal1 · 03/10/2025 08:13

Don’t be so sensitive OP, apologise for overreacting and move on.

Does sound like you’re annoying though if you openly admit you never shut up.

SunnySideDeepDown · 03/10/2025 08:15

GlastoNinja · 03/10/2025 08:12

I was on the receiving end of this last week. Made a joke along the lines of one which we often make about an aspect of DHs character. He flew off the handle (not abusive before anyone leaps, just really took it to heart and was offended) and I was completely bewildered and had absolutely no idea what I’d done wrong or what I should say next because I didn’t understand what I’d done wrong in the first place.

Eventually I apologized, when I worked out what was going on, eventually he accepted the apology and admitted he’d over reacted for unrelated reasons.

OP - just speak to him and move on.

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Exactly. We’re all human. He wasn’t calling her a rat, he was referencing a sketch she hadn’t seen. She should have asked rather than blow up.

DBD1975 · 03/10/2025 08:16

You were laughing and messing about, I would have just shown mock indignation and then laughed about it.
Banter, a good sense of humour and the ability to laugh at ourselves is, in my opinion, required in any relationship.
Your partner said this in jest not as an insult, laugh and move on.

GertieLawrence · 03/10/2025 08:16

I couldn’t live with a yapper. It would drive me insane.

notimeforregrets · 03/10/2025 08:18

Well I have seen the video and I would find it offensive. I'm getting old.

Createausername1970 · 03/10/2025 08:19

I hadn't heard this either. I have watched the clip, I assume it's scripted? So the reactions of the people in the car were also scripted?

Anyway, had I known this was a "thing" I wouldn't have been upset - but if I hadn't then yes I would have found it upsetting.

But what is more concerning is his reaction to you being upset. DH and I have both missed the mark on occasion when we have been ribbing each other, but we apologise, have a cuddle, laugh about it and the offending one puts the kettle on.

Keep an eye on the silent treatment.

MissyB1 · 03/10/2025 08:20

Sherunswithwolves · 03/10/2025 00:43

I don't find that video funny at all, and nor do the women in the car. Yet more misogyny.

I thought it was just me! Glad I'm not the only one! What an awful video, why is it funny?! Wheres the joke? And those women's face's say it all.

Pezdeoro41 · 03/10/2025 08:20

Rainbowcat77 · 03/10/2025 06:28

Ok, giving somebody the silent treatment isn’t great, I also wouldn’t have known what the rat comment meant Op and would have been a bit offended by it so I’m not surprised you’re upset and he hasn’t covered himself in glory here.
BUT
from your account it sounds as if he was actually desperate for a bit of quiet time and you just wouldn’t take the hint and kept on talking. As a quiet person who needs that mental headspace now and then I can see why your DH might have become quite heightened resulting in him “storming off” rather than responding well (showing you the clip and apologising)

I’d suggest that you have a really frank conversation when this has blown over and work out what you both need.

Agree. The video really isn't funny, but it does sound like he may find the chatting a bit more annoying than you think he does. There might be a compatibility issue here.

Tiredofwhataboutery · 03/10/2025 08:24

I thought the bloke in the video was really rude and didn’t think it was funny atall. I’d be livid at being compared to a rat.

vivi45 · 03/10/2025 08:26

“Shanice, your mouth is moving a lot like a rat…yappa yappa yappa. Shat it please.”

It’s a clip off a show. I want to say come dine with me or something like that, but it’s not. It’s funny not because it’s misogynistic but because of the way it’s delivered - the accent, the bluntness. I couldn’t get offended by this in the slightest, in fact my teenager sometimes says it to me because we all find it funny.

I suppose you have to be au fait with the context but it’s really not that deep.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 03/10/2025 08:27

Describing yourself as a "chatterbox" is pretty toe-curling....I bet you have no idea how annoying you really are; sometimes peace and quiet is what people (,clearly, your dh) want, not your incessant talking!
Anyway, as a pp said, you were both joking around, he said something you didn't like, you took the huff, he tried to explain but you didn't want to hear it....yeah, YABU.