Aibu - BIL's wedding

[CordlessHoover]

NC - but regular poster

We want outside opinions as following a conversation with MIL we are left asking ourselves... are we being unreasonable?

Sorry its long
Trying not to dripfeed...

• BIL and SIL live an 8 hour flight away.
• Their big fat wedding is next July.
• for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. (Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles. Her parents are really wealthy so its no problem there)
• We have a 3 and 1 year old who will be 2 and 4
• We had initially planned to go as a family and make the best of it and turn it into a family holiday (estimated total cost would have been about £11k all in)
• BIL has told my DH he and SIL want the wedding and wedding venue to be "over-21s" only but there are some parts our children would be permitted to attend (a pre wedding dinner the day before and a section for 2 hrs or so on the day)
• we were (understandably?) a bit / quite shocked.
• They like / want kids themselves!? our DC will be the only cousins their children will ever have.
• we digested the news and went back to explained that we respect their choice, its their day and they should have it how they want but that does make things tricky for us logistically so most likely my DH will likely attend solo and go for a long weekend.

We thought this was pretty reasonable...

Bil replied and said he wants "both of us" there and suggested maybe my mum could fly out with us and watch the kids. I dont know where to start with that suggestion 😅
Beyond the obvious... my DM is in not great physical health basically only babysits for us when the kids are asleep or for 2 hrs max.

Dh replied and said look its okay. I don't want you to stress about this, please don't change your plans. We've discussed it further and decided best thing for us as a family is for me to come solo.

Bil then phoned MIL... who the next day phoned DH for 90 mins or so.
She was pretty clear that she thought DH was in the wrong and he was going to cause a family rift. She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding. There was also a lot of chat about her being caught in the middle. Dh said she wasn't as it didnt really involve her...

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

DH left the call confused and unsure and I am now doubting myself as very honestly...we were willing to spend the money / take the annual leave / go through all the hassle before they told us our children weren't invited.

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

We looked at everyone going for the weekend only but that's even weirder / less practical than making it into a holiday

Eurgh. Your BIL and MIL sound truly unpleasant - bullying, name-calling, manipulating. It’s so horrible.

Stick to your guns of DH going solo. Just grey rock the rest with the MN classic - ‘that won’t work for us - this is our plan’.

DH should decline further discussion after that, especially with his mother as it’s really none of her business.

I would use the template above....but definitely include something about it not being a wedding - it's a party to celebrate the wedding they already had, that you weren't invited to.

I mean, i could maybe understand the drama if you husband was saying he was not going. But why are they so desperate have you there? I understand it is somehow about appearances but nobody is that desperate to have their SIL attend anything. Saying you have young kids is perfect response if someone asks why he is solo. Wouldn't having you at a rehearsal dinner with the kids and then husband attending the actual wedding solo attract negative attention?

given what your update is I think Id be refusing to go at all.

" I was shocked at how his parents and DB treated him like a walking ATM when we met - over time I have "managed" that out but if anyone is tight / stingy / selfish it is 💯 not my husband!!!"

Ah. That's interesting.

And now BIL is marrying a walking ATM rich woman, and your MIL wants to present a just-as-rich front (normally-incomed people do not spaf £11k on a holiday). I wonder if MIL resents you for shutting down access to her son's money? And of course she would call DH "stingy" - she resents not being able to treat him like a walking ATM any more! I expect the only thing that would stop her now considering him to be tight would be him having his wages paid direct into her bank account!

Your MIL and BIL are greedy selfish people. On that basis, I'd not be going to this faux-wedding, and I'd be lowering my contact with both.

YANBU at all.

if I was your DH, I’d go back to his brother along the lines of ‘really don’t want to fall out and cast any shadows over your big day, but it’s really not just feasible or appropriate to drag kids all that way and leave them with a stranger while we enjoy your wedding. I wouldn’t have understood it before I had them either, but one day if you have your own it might make more sense. You should absolutely have the wedding you want, no drama from us, but I will need to come by myself. I’m looking forward to it’.

and then to his mum ‘mind your own beeswax, stop getting involved. There’s no drama here’.

I've thought on these comments re scapegoat and actually agree its best not to reference the money... even though its a factor.. as it gives them an in to paint him as stingy / difficult / whatever.

We were just told about the first wedding. Dh offered to go but it was declined.
I got the clear vibe SIL didn't want it to be her "real wedding" so less people=less valid as she's been dreaming of some big fat flowery wedding since she was a small girl .. and I do have some sympathy for her on this.

DH wants to go and I'd never block him...

Fascinated to see how this call unfolds... I'm hoping BIL just accepts it...

Fingers crossed OP that the call goes well and BIL accepts it

PS - If SIL wanted a big fancy wedding, she should have waited to get married until they would be able to have the big fancy one. Not a small affair and then a big fake wedding a year later?

BIL and SIL are being selfish , that's evident. And your MIL has a dreadful attitude!

But I just wondered, everybody keeps saying this is not a real wedding 'they're already married' but I wonder if there are cultural issues involved here. Many couples who are Hindu, Sikh or Muslim (and maybe of other faiths) will have one civil service to get the legalities done then have a big shindig later, with extended family and everyone they know, all the religious ceremony and a lot of money spent. And that is very much regarded as the 'real' wedding. The OP doesn't say, but could that be the case here?

Nevertheless, it is highly unreasonable to expect the OP and her DH to spend £11k on attending a wedding as guests! Plus it's very mean and thoughtless not to consider their young nephews' needs.

No everyone is Catholic/Christian.

They got married in a court house type venue (just like us at our wedding 🫠🤪 )

They are being totally unreasonable, but they are counting this as part of their wedding and I think that's acceptable. People are entitled to do it this way, quick ceremony, big reception party, that's up to them.

"...they don't want children on the grounds / in the vicinity of the venue..."

Why not? Have they been able to invent any kind of reasoning for this? Considering it is a large place, two tots are hardly going to dominate proceedings.

So his mother is nasty and BIL/SIL just as bad.
They are married, this is a party.
They sound awful.

@CordlessHoover hope your DH is OK and hasn't been guilted by BIL with the weekends chat!

What I don’t understand is why they’re being so difficult about it.
Why?
Besides - I wouldn’t ask my family to spend £1000 to travel to see me married again much less $11,000.
It sounds like they’ve lost their collective minds.
And no doubt they’ll hold this against you for years.
You can’t win for losing.

YANBU. I wouldn’t go either. As you have to watch the children as they don’t want them it would be a total waste of money in time. As you say your DH can fly out for a few days solo.

Why is your MIL accusing your DH of causing a rift? He has said he will go! He can only speak for himself. If she wants YOU to go then she needs to phone YOU and explain how she is going to facilitate it! Ie get the money out to fund your trip. As you will not be paying to not attend a non wedding whilst sitting in a hotel room

Just contact SIL and BIL and say you'd only be able to come as a couple if you bring your children with you, would that be ok with them? Ask them to make a decision, it's their no-child policy that is responsible for the conundrum.

They then have to choose between letting you come as family of 4 or accepting that just you yourself will attend.

Boring update:

MIL was (somewhat predictably) stirring the pot.

DH have a long version of "it's difficult because..."
BIL gave a long version of "yeah i get it, it's hard. I respect your decision. If you want i have a list of nanny services but of not its fine"
So basically he isnt bothered if we attend...

Honestly OP I think this is a good outcome for you guys.
Obviously if it's a place you really want to go and travel to etc then go along and do it but equally you and DCs don't have to and you can use the money elsewhere to something you actually want to do.

MIL can have a suck lemon impression all she likes!

Well at least you know that before spending £11,000.

Exactly what I thought! Charming of him really! I'd be inclined to send husband alone or he could miss it, seeing as bil isn't really bothered.

Indeed...

I am pretty cheesed off to be honest.

Very honestly I thought they were just clueless and inconsiderate and wanted us there but "didnt get it".

I have been pretty supportive of dh throughout and not "made it about me".
I've listened, I've been the voice of reason, I've come up with options I've researched costs.... it was "He" not "we" who wanted anonymous opinions and so I posted this to help/support him.

For me, the reality is its fundamentally changed how I see them and how i believe they see me (SIL in particular.. like a lameo i was excited to have a SIL as i have no sisters) and I am really quite hurt by it all. There's no way this won't impact our relationship as I am just not prepared to continue making the effort I have to date.

I tried to express this to my DH but it rapidly descended into a "heated discussion".

Apparently he is "sick of talking about it".

In a classic male dripfeed.. he also told me more info about the call.
It transpires the accommodation will $650 per night or he can try and arrange transport and stay off site somewhere cheaper. His mother also has a roommate so he cant share with her - LMFAO!!!!

I ended the conversation as I was just upset.

Right now, I cannot wait to remind him how "sick of talking about it" he is when he wants me to "give input" and "help" research logistics for the trip (ie. Solve his problems and tell him what to do)
😑😑😑

Arghhhhh weddings!!!!!

TBF, he probably feels a bit let down and gutted by BIL and MIL's reactions, rather than yours. I wouldn't take that personally.

And isn't looking forward to going to the wedding on his and living through the potential stink eye. If you've been putting in the effort with SIL, I'm assuming he's been there with you and that's also a bit of a let down.

Although its not been pleasant, you've stood up for yourselves and not be arm twisted into spending a huge amount of money and jumping through various hoops to comply with the child free mandate... and essentially they've accepted his offer of attending solo.

I thought that was always a very reasonable offer and after all this, they ought to be glad he's attending at all. Your MIL's behaviour is really disappointing.
How many nights would he have to stay if travelling solo.. ($650 is a lot if its a week) also that's a week of annual leave away from his family.

I hope that decision sorts it out for you and you can both put all this behind you.