Aibu - BIL's wedding

[CordlessHoover]

NC - but regular poster

We want outside opinions as following a conversation with MIL we are left asking ourselves... are we being unreasonable?

Sorry its long
Trying not to dripfeed...

• BIL and SIL live an 8 hour flight away.
• Their big fat wedding is next July.
• for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. (Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles. Her parents are really wealthy so its no problem there)
• We have a 3 and 1 year old who will be 2 and 4
• We had initially planned to go as a family and make the best of it and turn it into a family holiday (estimated total cost would have been about £11k all in)
• BIL has told my DH he and SIL want the wedding and wedding venue to be "over-21s" only but there are some parts our children would be permitted to attend (a pre wedding dinner the day before and a section for 2 hrs or so on the day)
• we were (understandably?) a bit / quite shocked.
• They like / want kids themselves!? our DC will be the only cousins their children will ever have.
• we digested the news and went back to explained that we respect their choice, its their day and they should have it how they want but that does make things tricky for us logistically so most likely my DH will likely attend solo and go for a long weekend.

We thought this was pretty reasonable...

Bil replied and said he wants "both of us" there and suggested maybe my mum could fly out with us and watch the kids. I dont know where to start with that suggestion 😅
Beyond the obvious... my DM is in not great physical health basically only babysits for us when the kids are asleep or for 2 hrs max.

Dh replied and said look its okay. I don't want you to stress about this, please don't change your plans. We've discussed it further and decided best thing for us as a family is for me to come solo.

Bil then phoned MIL... who the next day phoned DH for 90 mins or so.
She was pretty clear that she thought DH was in the wrong and he was going to cause a family rift. She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding. There was also a lot of chat about her being caught in the middle. Dh said she wasn't as it didnt really involve her...

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

DH left the call confused and unsure and I am now doubting myself as very honestly...we were willing to spend the money / take the annual leave / go through all the hassle before they told us our children weren't invited.

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

We looked at everyone going for the weekend only but that's even weirder / less practical than making it into a holiday

If it mattered that much to them they’d make it an all expenses paid trip with ? Norland nanny…it’s a crazy amount to spend on a party

I would be totally upfront and honest.

"BIL (or DB, your DH is best saying it) we would only be travelling to this location for your wedding, its not somewhere we would particularly want to travel to otherwise especially considering the costs involved. It will cost us more than we spent on our own wedding to attend yours. We are not prepared to spend that sort of money if the only person who can actually attend the wedding is me. @CordlessHoover will have to stay with the kids as we wont have them baby sat by strangers and her mum coming is not an option. So I will be coming alone for the weekend and that is the last conversation I am prepared to have about it, either with you or mum"

@CordlessHoover Ive had a rough day at work today and I’m not in a great mood so that is the context in which I am replying,

I’m absolutely astounded by the sheer cheek and brass neck of BIL. You sound completely reasonable and I’d just tell them to fuck right off ….but as I say, I’m not in the best of moods!

and that is the last conversation I am prepared to have about it, either with you or mum

This is absolutely the last sentence that needs to be said to the MIL and BIL.

I know this is a bit of a tangent ... but I can't help thinking - you've got two kids.

What if you took the £11k and put it into a savings plan to set against their future Student Loans or Housing deposits.... over the years that would really help them.

Or imagine looking back and thinking about how it was poured down the drain to finance attending an event with unpleasantly demanding people, who have no consideration for you but just want you to comply, regardless how much inconvenience/cost you have to undergo

The cry of "Oh but we're family" works both ways.

Not a chance I'd spend that much on a wedding!

And since you can't leave your dc unattended, I don't see how you can go!

Dh going solo is a very reasonable suggestion. Can't help just keep pointing out that if your dc can't go then one of their parents has to stay with them? Why can't they see that?

This!

they are being ridiculous

your MIL is being just as bad

This. I'd also be tempted to add the approach I take with my 4yo when she won't stop asking for something and tell them that if they mention it again DH won't be going either.

DH and i has a good chat last night.

Its clear now that part if what's muddying this for him is how he is viewed.

Apparently MIL in the call said something along the lines of "oh! So you were never even planning to spend the money and come as a family at all anyway" and at some point she called him "stingy"?!?!?

😡😡😡😡
This has really upset DH (& me on his behalf)
and hit him in a soft spot.

We spoke it out a bit and honestly i am still not fully understanding why it was so effective in manipulating his feelings.

its SO preposterous I'd struggle not to laugh. my DH is a naturally generous person (both he and I are similar and in fact now try to only associate with similar people otherwise we just end up shelling out ££££ while the other parties take take take)

Conversely his parents are very much "generous' on their own terms only. I was shocked at how his parents and DB treated him like a walking ATM when we met - over time I have "managed" that out but if anyone is tight / stingy / selfish it is 💯 not my husband!!!

@PyongyangKipperbang thank you for this message template!
I think dh will use it as a basis for this weekends call. He said it was good but he didnt want to mention the money part (which is relevant!)and sparked the above convo

The more I think about it, the more annoyed I am tbh.

Bil and SIL aee in secure employment earning well in an area with low living costs (the party wedding is not in the home town)
Mil in 60 and mortgage free and receives 2 x private pensions (fil has passed away) and still works.
In contrast, we are in london, we earn well but it all goes straight back out the door. childcare is 4k NET per month, the mortgage isnt far off (we had no bank of mum and dad so less equity) and both of us were facing redundancy this year.
Despite that we were prepared to spend that much money and the thanks we get was not to be considered at all and then getting this dragged out guilt tripped for pointing out the barriers to entry are making attendance almost impossible.

This is a ridiculous situation.
Mil is wittering on about being caught in the middle...well she inserted herself in there.
Bil is an idiot. Who does he think will look after your kids ?
Saving grace here is DH is sensible and on your side.
So many times on here there is a dh problem so refreshing to find your are both united on this problem
Stick to your guns op and keep reiterating your plans on this 'party'.
And don't be bullied.

I wouldn’t mention the money at all - it rather opens up the issue when it is irrelevant - you were prepared to go despite costs.

You are not all attending because you are not all invited and the childcare suggested isn’t practical for either your Mother or You.

If they want you all there, they’d invite you all.

Considering your update I'd be inclined to not go at all now. Husband should stay home but send a lovely gift and card. It's going to be hostile if he is there alone, no one will be thankful he is even there!

I agree. He won't enjoy it and will have wasted thousands.

There's going to be a fallout no matter what you do now anyway.

MIL sounds awful I’d get DH to speak to BIL and keep her out of it, no need for her to be involved.
You were prepared to go despite cost, long flight with small children etc but not being able to stay as a family at the venue or for children to attend most of it tips it into totally unfeasible. Your DH is going he’s his brother.

If they want both of you there, they invite your kids to the whole thing. It's as simple as that.

Reading your update, I think the gap between their expectations and your reality is so big that there’s no point having a discussion about it. It will only lead to more information being exchanged that will inflame all involved. Your DH needs to shut this whole thing down with a simple “Cordless and I can’t leave the children and come out together, the practicalities don’t work. All we can manage is for me to come out for two/three nights. Let me know if that would spoil your plans” - and I really would have no qualms putting all the onus on them to say “of course I want my brother there in whatever capacity” even if it does spoil their plans for the events (which I’m pretty confident it will).

DH also has to make sure you’re not the scapegoat, and that MIL stays out of this. It’s none of her business.

The BIL and SIL chose a child free (second) marriage ceremony abroad - great.... However that choice really does come with consequences, and he should be able to get his head around that. The guest list will understandably be slimmer than a wedding local to where they reside.

But, his idea of your mum being flown in on an 8 hour flight just to provide a couple of hours childcare is bloody ludicrous....

I agree... They seem to want to scape goat him.

I'd actually want to contact the MIL and say HOW DARE YOU call him stingy and be so unpleasant about this wedding. Grow up.

But it is probably not politic to do so.

MIL is super stirring the pot in a very very nasty way... What a dreadful way to treat one of your children. I do feel she needs calling out and told to shut up. But maybe this isn't the right time.

When people like this want to be unpleasant to you to make you obey them, I nowadays think. Let them. They are not really going to be any nicer to you if you give in as they see you as people they can strong arm. And I always ask myself. What's the worst that could happen?.... They'd all be unpleasant and in a big huff - well that's happening already isn't it? Now that they've had the fun of bitching and huffing, are they suddenly going to become sweetness and light because they've forced you to comply? I doubt it.

Your DH going is a very reasonable comprise.. If I was him, I'd be saying to MIL.. If you are going to speak to me like that when I am prepared to accompany you to this wedding then I won't go unless you change your tune... and see what she makes of it.

Your bil and his wife know full well that once the real reason as to why you and his nephews aren’t there, they’ll look awful and rightfully so . My dh and I have absolutely zero support so we’ve always had to swap over and attend things alone.
They are trying to make a big fuss now as once the real reason gets out as to why you aren’t there , they are rightfully going to look like absolute dickheads.

I would have shut this down ages ago.

You understand they want you there but it’s simply no longer feasible. Your husband will go alone and you cannot. And refuse to discuss further.

Yep. I would frame it like this too.

I like this response, but I'd have to add in something about them already being married.

@CordlessHoover were you both invited to the first wedding? If not, then obviously having his brother there wasn't (and isn't) that much of a priority for BIL or your MIL.

Hey, @CordlessHoover I've just thought of something else.

What happens if you do as you're told, book flights and accommodation off-site etc and then SIL gets pregnant and cancels or changes the date of the "wedding"/brings it forwards?

They'll have already been married for 16months at that point, and you've said they want kids, so it's not that big a leap.

Be careful. Don't book anything yet.

Be honest. Admit that you can't afford to attend the wedding.

Or book a holiday there at the same time, and take turns looking after the kids.

Did you even read the thread?