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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - BIL's wedding

237 replies

CordlessHoover · 02/10/2025 15:00

NC - but regular poster

We want outside opinions as following a conversation with MIL we are left asking ourselves... are we being unreasonable?

Sorry its long
Trying not to dripfeed...

  • BIL and SIL live an 8 hour flight away.
  • Their big fat wedding is next July.
  • for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. (Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles. Her parents are really wealthy so its no problem there)
  • We have a 3 and 1 year old who will be 2 and 4
  • We had initially planned to go as a family and make the best of it and turn it into a family holiday (estimated total cost would have been about £11k all in)
  • BIL has told my DH he and SIL want the wedding and wedding venue to be "over-21s" only but there are some parts our children would be permitted to attend (a pre wedding dinner the day before and a section for 2 hrs or so on the day)
  • we were (understandably?) a bit / quite shocked.
  • They like / want kids themselves!? our DC will be the only cousins their children will ever have.
  • we digested the news and went back to explained that we respect their choice, its their day and they should have it how they want but that does make things tricky for us logistically so most likely my DH will likely attend solo and go for a long weekend.

We thought this was pretty reasonable...

Bil replied and said he wants "both of us" there and suggested maybe my mum could fly out with us and watch the kids. I dont know where to start with that suggestion 😅
Beyond the obvious... my DM is in not great physical health basically only babysits for us when the kids are asleep or for 2 hrs max.

Dh replied and said look its okay. I don't want you to stress about this, please don't change your plans. We've discussed it further and decided best thing for us as a family is for me to come solo.

Bil then phoned MIL... who the next day phoned DH for 90 mins or so.
She was pretty clear that she thought DH was in the wrong and he was going to cause a family rift. She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding. There was also a lot of chat about her being caught in the middle. Dh said she wasn't as it didnt really involve her...

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

DH left the call confused and unsure and I am now doubting myself as very honestly...we were willing to spend the money / take the annual leave / go through all the hassle before they told us our children weren't invited.

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

We looked at everyone going for the weekend only but that's even weirder / less practical than making it into a holiday

OP posts:
UneFoisAuChalet · 02/10/2025 19:40

My brother got married in our home country. His wife is a teacher and they start the summer holidays a month before ours. They picked the date for when we would be able to come, during the summer holidays.
The only children at the wedding was ours. Probably a bit dull for ours boys, but they loved it regardless.
Their wedding was a compromise - they picked a date that suited us and they allowed our kids to attend. We paid XYZ to be there and spent our annual leave on their wedding.
That’s what families do. If they want you there they need to compromise because you are as well.

RampantIvy · 02/10/2025 19:44

I am frequently surprised (and amused) at the self absorption, and complete lack of understanding, of the situation of others that we see more and more often these days.

I agree. People need to stop pandering to this kind of behaviour. These self important people get away with it because people allow it.

If it were me I would be furious at being threatened by a family split if I didn’t go, but would explain calmly why it is not logistically possible and not allow them to browbeat me.

Same here.

AxolotlEars · 02/10/2025 19:47

Bluevelvetsofa · 02/10/2025 15:09

Your BiL and SiL are perfectly entitled to have the wedding they choose, in the place they choose.

Any invited guests are perfectly entitled to accept or decline the invitation and the bride and groom should accept that a distant venue, whilst near to them, will be much more difficult for those who have to travel.

Brides and grooms are entitled to specify a child free wedding, but must recognise that it may not be possible for a percentage of guests to attend.

Of course it would be great if it could be accomplished easily as it’s family, but it can’t. You have offered an alternative that works for your family. You are not causing rift if they don’t accept that- they are.

In fact, it isn’t really a wedding as they’re already married. It’s a big party with a ceremony and posh frocks.

Im sure the £11K can be spent elsewhere.

This

Teaforthetotal · 02/10/2025 19:59

I saw someone above thread say don't make it about the money but I think at 11k it is absolutely about the money and is a perfect excuse to side step the rules around their wedding.
Cost of living bla bla and only DH can come now. Job done.

TabithaZ · 02/10/2025 20:00

obviously yanbu

what on earth is your MIL on about siding with this nonsense?

MassiveOvaryaction · 02/10/2025 20:01

I think what I'd do @CordlessHoover is tell bil that yes you'll come, but obviously with kids and the distance involved you'd need to make it a couple of weeks, maybe with the wedding in the middle or at either end. Tell him X place is where you're planning on staying (or maybe a couple of your planning on exploring). You'll be flying from home airport into nearest airport with flights that aren't at ridiculous o'clock. Oh and obviously a hire car (or maybe car and chauffeur?!).

And then tell him that when he's booked it he can send you all the info/flight numbers etc. Because obviously if they want you all there that much then they'll be stumping up the cash for it, no?

Wink

I'd love to know his reaction if you did that! Seriously though they're being ridiculous. Your dh going alone is (more than) enough.

RealReginaPhalange · 02/10/2025 20:06

Is this for real? I am reeling on your behalf 😳 absolutely ridiculous

Wrenjay · 02/10/2025 20:10

As part of the "Wedding Party" as a guest, you are a spectator. You are neither Groom or Bride. The only other people necessary for a Marriage Ceremony are witnesses. You are in effect, at any time, invited to a party which has a special significance, and are entitled to accept or decline. End of Story.

Hankunamatata · 02/10/2025 20:13

They are not unreasonable wanting child free wedding. They are massively unreasonable expecting you still to attend

sittingonabeach · 02/10/2025 20:19

Do they just want your DC for cute photos? I wouldn't be spending £11k for that

Original poster
CordlessHoover · 02/10/2025 20:22

Just back from putting the kids down...!

I've told DH the vote says we arent unreasonable - he seems calmer / happier 🥳
And I'm sure we will have a good laugh reading through the responses.

Re: it being a childfree wedding...
I believe their position is that our children are absolutely invited to selected parts 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 02/10/2025 20:26

ButSheSaid · 02/10/2025 15:04

Just say it's not in your family budget to spend £11,000 on anything, nevermind a daft party.
Husbands relatives can tantrum till their hearts are content, it's fine.

£11k would have been where we pulled the plug, especially as they're married already!

JudgeJ · 02/10/2025 20:27

Redpeach · 02/10/2025 15:44

Could you hire childcare out there

Adding to the £11k bill?

Cakeandusername · 02/10/2025 20:30

I wouldn’t be referring to it as a wedding for a start they are already married it’s a party.
You were very generous to consider going at all.
The no kids for 90% of it, having to stay elsewhere is not a proper invitation to the event.
If I was your DH I’d just stick to a it’s not workable for us, his offer to go alone is very generous - it will be expensive and leave you at home with two little ones.
Why didn’t they have a big wedding in first place if that’s what she wanted and mum & dad are wealthy.

JLou08 · 02/10/2025 20:49

I'd say you and your DH were very kind to even offer DH going solo. 11k and huge amounts of travelling with young DC to attend a small part of a fake wedding (not sure of a better term for it) would be a definite no from me. Nor would I travel all that way on my own and spend what I'm guessing would be £1000 minimum.

Boxboom · 02/10/2025 20:54

Its not a wedding.
They are married.
Are they dim?
I wouldn't entertain this.
Selfish, batshit and cheeky fxxkers to boot.
Ignore your MIL.
As for thinking your mother is somehow your staff.....no words🙄.

Cherrysoup · 02/10/2025 20:55

Trabbling · 02/10/2025 17:02

Breathtakingly rude and batshit - them of course, not you!!

They want you to fly your mum out, at your expense, to facilitate them excluding your children (their nieces / nephews) from their wedding?! 😅

To use a MN expression, are they on glue?!

I’m absolutely gobsmacked at this being ’one of his ideas’. His sheer self absorbed pronouncement is mental. 11K to attend their non wedding? They clearly have fuck all idea of how normal people live. 8 hour flight with 2 under 5 so they can banished from the adult only venue? Breathtaking!

PullTheBricksDown · 02/10/2025 21:01

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

Yeah, he's not your line manager. One you can (again) politely decline.

whynotwhatknot · 02/10/2025 21:09

cheeky fucks-its not even their wedding ffs its a party

youve ben fair in your compromise

Silvers11 · 02/10/2025 21:18

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. For one thing it absolutely NOT a wedding. It is a big party, whichever way you look at it, following a wedding a year ago. Nothing wrong with that, but it isn't a wedding.

You have been very obliging to try and make a holiday of it at a cost of £11k 😯😟You are also willing to send your DH on his own so that he is there for his Brother. But you are not being in the least unreasonable to not go with the kids since they aren't allowed in the over 21 adult venue. It's Very cheeky of them to expect it of you - and ditto your DH's Mum.

I hope your DH can stand his ground with them

Frugalgal · 02/10/2025 21:23

CordlessHoover · 02/10/2025 15:00

NC - but regular poster

We want outside opinions as following a conversation with MIL we are left asking ourselves... are we being unreasonable?

Sorry its long
Trying not to dripfeed...

  • BIL and SIL live an 8 hour flight away.
  • Their big fat wedding is next July.
  • for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. (Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles. Her parents are really wealthy so its no problem there)
  • We have a 3 and 1 year old who will be 2 and 4
  • We had initially planned to go as a family and make the best of it and turn it into a family holiday (estimated total cost would have been about £11k all in)
  • BIL has told my DH he and SIL want the wedding and wedding venue to be "over-21s" only but there are some parts our children would be permitted to attend (a pre wedding dinner the day before and a section for 2 hrs or so on the day)
  • we were (understandably?) a bit / quite shocked.
  • They like / want kids themselves!? our DC will be the only cousins their children will ever have.
  • we digested the news and went back to explained that we respect their choice, its their day and they should have it how they want but that does make things tricky for us logistically so most likely my DH will likely attend solo and go for a long weekend.

We thought this was pretty reasonable...

Bil replied and said he wants "both of us" there and suggested maybe my mum could fly out with us and watch the kids. I dont know where to start with that suggestion 😅
Beyond the obvious... my DM is in not great physical health basically only babysits for us when the kids are asleep or for 2 hrs max.

Dh replied and said look its okay. I don't want you to stress about this, please don't change your plans. We've discussed it further and decided best thing for us as a family is for me to come solo.

Bil then phoned MIL... who the next day phoned DH for 90 mins or so.
She was pretty clear that she thought DH was in the wrong and he was going to cause a family rift. She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding. There was also a lot of chat about her being caught in the middle. Dh said she wasn't as it didnt really involve her...

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

DH left the call confused and unsure and I am now doubting myself as very honestly...we were willing to spend the money / take the annual leave / go through all the hassle before they told us our children weren't invited.

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

We looked at everyone going for the weekend only but that's even weirder / less practical than making it into a holiday

I'm sorry but I just can't get past the fact you were going to pay £11k to attend some other twat's wedding.

If I'm honest I can't get past the fact that you'd have £11k to send on a holiday but that's me.

Honestly, £11k to attend their party and your kids aren't welcome?? Send an apology and spend it on your own lovely break.

ClaredeBear · 02/10/2025 21:35

Crikey, they either want the kids there or they don’t and if they don’t they need to accept that you’re managing the situation according to your needs (edit: means). I’m not even sure what they actually want from you.

PollyBell · 02/10/2025 21:40

ClaredeBear · 02/10/2025 21:35

Crikey, they either want the kids there or they don’t and if they don’t they need to accept that you’re managing the situation according to your needs (edit: means). I’m not even sure what they actually want from you.

Edited

Yes this, i am fine with them wanting no kids but I am fine with not going if I choose to not go

Costcogroupie · 02/10/2025 21:48

It's not a wedding, it's a wedding-not-wedding

Ponderingwindow · 02/10/2025 21:53

its not a destination wedding so they are not unreasonable in that regard. Expecting you to shut away your children abroad is completely ridiculous though.

Your DH traveling solo is the perfect compromise.