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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - BIL's wedding

237 replies

CordlessHoover · 02/10/2025 15:00

NC - but regular poster

We want outside opinions as following a conversation with MIL we are left asking ourselves... are we being unreasonable?

Sorry its long
Trying not to dripfeed...

  • BIL and SIL live an 8 hour flight away.
  • Their big fat wedding is next July.
  • for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. (Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles. Her parents are really wealthy so its no problem there)
  • We have a 3 and 1 year old who will be 2 and 4
  • We had initially planned to go as a family and make the best of it and turn it into a family holiday (estimated total cost would have been about £11k all in)
  • BIL has told my DH he and SIL want the wedding and wedding venue to be "over-21s" only but there are some parts our children would be permitted to attend (a pre wedding dinner the day before and a section for 2 hrs or so on the day)
  • we were (understandably?) a bit / quite shocked.
  • They like / want kids themselves!? our DC will be the only cousins their children will ever have.
  • we digested the news and went back to explained that we respect their choice, its their day and they should have it how they want but that does make things tricky for us logistically so most likely my DH will likely attend solo and go for a long weekend.

We thought this was pretty reasonable...

Bil replied and said he wants "both of us" there and suggested maybe my mum could fly out with us and watch the kids. I dont know where to start with that suggestion 😅
Beyond the obvious... my DM is in not great physical health basically only babysits for us when the kids are asleep or for 2 hrs max.

Dh replied and said look its okay. I don't want you to stress about this, please don't change your plans. We've discussed it further and decided best thing for us as a family is for me to come solo.

Bil then phoned MIL... who the next day phoned DH for 90 mins or so.
She was pretty clear that she thought DH was in the wrong and he was going to cause a family rift. She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding. There was also a lot of chat about her being caught in the middle. Dh said she wasn't as it didnt really involve her...

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

DH left the call confused and unsure and I am now doubting myself as very honestly...we were willing to spend the money / take the annual leave / go through all the hassle before they told us our children weren't invited.

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

We looked at everyone going for the weekend only but that's even weirder / less practical than making it into a holiday

OP posts:
JoshLymanSwagger · 02/10/2025 17:38

for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles.

It's not a Wedding. They're already married.

Were you invited to the first wedding?

If not, remind BIL that he didn't invite you the first time, so you're not really up for dropping £11K on a party.

Tedsnan1 · 02/10/2025 17:47

What have they suggested you do with the children while you and DH attend the party?
As MIL attended the wedding, perhaps she can babysit. Or will she think that there's no point going all that way and spending so much money to not attend is just plain silly?

RandomGeocache · 02/10/2025 17:51

at the risk of shouting

IT IS NOT A WEDDING - THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED SINCE MARCH.

Plus they had a "do" the first time round, the bride wore white etc etc. It's a fancy party.

Happyjoe · 02/10/2025 17:54

Just don't go, either of you. You can't leave your children behind, you shouldn't be asked to leave them behind when they are so young. It's their wedding, their choice and your choice to go or not.

My brother pulled something like this on me and I didn't go. I went to my parents and looked after the dog so my parents could go instead!

Mondayblues2 · 02/10/2025 17:57

UninitendedShark · 02/10/2025 16:09

It would be a hard pass from me. Very hard pass. For a start they’re already married. It’s a very extravagant party and half of you aren’t invited! If they decide to fall out with you about it that’s on them. It’s an invitation not a summons and you have a lot of reasons to decline. The cost is exorbitant and prohibitive.

Totally agree

Kitkatfiend31 · 02/10/2025 18:01

It sounds to me like BIL wants to up his side at the wedding and/or not to have to explain to other people why you aren't all there so they don't look like 'the bad guys'.

CherrieTomaties · 02/10/2025 18:12

Never in my life would I spend £11K to go to someone else’s wedding.

Tell them to fuck off.

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/10/2025 18:17

Linenpickle · 02/10/2025 17:21

Not sure how four people travelling 8 hours away could be £11k but aside from that, they are cheeky gits!! Yanbu

I'm guessing OP's family turning the trip into a holiday for all 4 of them? They have bent over backwards to make getting to the wedding viable but BiL/MiL are totally unreasonable.

GriseldaPinko · 02/10/2025 18:17

FWIW I was basically in exactly the same situation, slightly cheaper but still not an inconsiderable amount of money and we decided not to go.
I just could not justify it.

Things were already a bit cool but it has definitely cooled much more since and I think my sibling thought I was being a misery and its all so easy but we didn't go.
I couldn't get my head around all the money for 3/4 of my immediate family unit to not attend the ceremony and all the important bits I guess.

TemporarilyCantDoMyself · 02/10/2025 18:18

Please just say no to them. Shut down all the nonsense about can't your mother come to babysit and any other ideas they have and just bloody well say no to them. You're just hired extras in their personal drama, they have no idea you and your children are actual people with needs and lives of your own.
Just. Say. No.

MotherMary14 · 02/10/2025 18:21

they dont want children on the grounds / in the vicinity of the venue...

So your 2 and 4 year old wouldn't even be allowed to stay in a room at the venue? They'd have to be a car ride away? Sod that. Your DH needs to make it clear to his brother that either they accept he goes alone for the long weekend or he doesn't go at all, because their demands are ridiculous. It's not even a proper wedding, they're already married!

littlefireseverywhere · 02/10/2025 18:24

They’re bat shit, crazy your response is totally reasonable. They are the ones that have the issues, not you. I think it was great. You were going to go as a family, but if the children aren’t included, then it does need to be your DH going by himself..

nosleepforme · 02/10/2025 18:29

They can’t have their cake and eat it too.
they invited a couple with kids abroad without the kids. Naturally and obviously with young children arrangements have to be made! And your arrangement seems fair, respectful and sensible.
i mean… they’re being ridiculous. You can’t demand ppl leave their kids when abroad. That’s crazy! It can work for some, true, but it’s not going to work for you. So there’s the consequence to no children. There’s nothing to discuss!!!

FullOfLemons · 02/10/2025 18:31

Kitkatfiend31 · 02/10/2025 18:01

It sounds to me like BIL wants to up his side at the wedding and/or not to have to explain to other people why you aren't all there so they don't look like 'the bad guys'.

I think this is spot on

You are trying to managing the insecurity of your BIL (and MIL) given the apparent wealth of SIL

You have potentially decades of this shit to come and IME sanity never prevails

If you get to the point when your DH starts to ignore his messages and his family start contacting you direct then you end up resenting your DH

Your DH needs to put on his big boy pants and tell HIS family to f* off on this occasion

HardworkSendHelp · 02/10/2025 18:40

I got the rage reading that. OP those in laws are being ridiculous. I would not be going under those terms. Imagine dropping 11k to attend a fake wedding when half the family are not invited to all parts of the event

Silvertulips · 02/10/2025 18:50

It’s not even a wedding!!!

Send them £50 in a card and be done with it!!

JustSawJohnny · 02/10/2025 18:58

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

Code for 'We need to keep discussing until you relent to our wishes'.

Fuck. THAT!

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

You need to tell them all of this. Clearly and unequivocally.

£11k is a ridiculous amount to pay for someone else's wedding, close family or not, and the flippant suggestion that you 'just bring MIL' as a child-skivvy and likely have to pay for her to come too just shows how little they are considering their guests.

Their entitlement really is staggering.

I wouldn't be budging a nano-inch.

I wouldn't blame DH if he pulled out of going himself at this point.

It's not even a real fecking wedding!!

PinkiOcelot · 02/10/2025 18:59

I certainly wouldn’t be spending that money on a fake wedding regardless.

RampantIvy · 02/10/2025 19:16

they dont want children on the grounds / in the vicinity of the venue

So, all your DH has to say is "Mum, I'll be coming on my own as @CordlessHoover is staying at home with the children as they are not invited. This is not up for discussion so please stop trying to guilt trip me".

Then let her tantrum all she likes.

EdithBond · 02/10/2025 19:19

They want a child-free wedding abroad.

That means your kids can’t go. So your family make the compromise of you staying at home to care for the kids alone while your DH attends alone, given it’s his family. Quite a large compromise on your family’s part.

Reasonable solution. You and the kids can film a special congrats message to be shown at the wedding, to show you wish them well.

Don’t budge on that.

OneNewLeader · 02/10/2025 19:25

You’re being reasonable. Stay that way. Or rather DH can explain that’s the position. I hope it won’t create a lifelong rift. Good luck.

Irishpoppy · 02/10/2025 19:27

£11k for someone’s non-wedding is madness.

carrie3003 · 02/10/2025 19:30

They are ridiculous 😂 YANBU
Suggeting your mum flies over for childcare 😂😂 howling!! People need to check themselves honestly.

My brother did the same with his wedding “no kids or babies allowed on the premises” then got upset that people with kids and babies did not attend

it’s a RSVP no x

if they get funny then that’s their issue

you do what’s best for your family ❤️

GAJLY · 02/10/2025 19:35

I would not go for 4 reasons:-
you already attended their actual wedding recently.
*It's going to cost £11,000,
*No kids are allowed
*They're behaving in a hostile manner and even involving your mil.

I think if they continue to argue with your husband, it might be best if he didn't attend. Book yourselves a lovely family holiday elsewhere instead.

LoveItaly · 02/10/2025 19:38

Their demand for you both to attend is outrageous given your young family and the cost and distance involved.
I am frequently surprised (and amused) at the self absorption, and complete lack of understanding, of the situation of others that we see more and more often these days. If it were me I would be furious at being threatened by a family split if I didn’t go, but would explain calmly why it is not logistically possible and not allow them to browbeat me. Good luck!

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