Aibu - BIL's wedding

[CordlessHoover]

NC - but regular poster

We want outside opinions as following a conversation with MIL we are left asking ourselves... are we being unreasonable?

Sorry its long
Trying not to dripfeed...

• BIL and SIL live an 8 hour flight away.
• Their big fat wedding is next July.
• for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. (Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles. Her parents are really wealthy so its no problem there)
• We have a 3 and 1 year old who will be 2 and 4
• We had initially planned to go as a family and make the best of it and turn it into a family holiday (estimated total cost would have been about £11k all in)
• BIL has told my DH he and SIL want the wedding and wedding venue to be "over-21s" only but there are some parts our children would be permitted to attend (a pre wedding dinner the day before and a section for 2 hrs or so on the day)
• we were (understandably?) a bit / quite shocked.
• They like / want kids themselves!? our DC will be the only cousins their children will ever have.
• we digested the news and went back to explained that we respect their choice, its their day and they should have it how they want but that does make things tricky for us logistically so most likely my DH will likely attend solo and go for a long weekend.

We thought this was pretty reasonable...

Bil replied and said he wants "both of us" there and suggested maybe my mum could fly out with us and watch the kids. I dont know where to start with that suggestion 😅
Beyond the obvious... my DM is in not great physical health basically only babysits for us when the kids are asleep or for 2 hrs max.

Dh replied and said look its okay. I don't want you to stress about this, please don't change your plans. We've discussed it further and decided best thing for us as a family is for me to come solo.

Bil then phoned MIL... who the next day phoned DH for 90 mins or so.
She was pretty clear that she thought DH was in the wrong and he was going to cause a family rift. She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding. There was also a lot of chat about her being caught in the middle. Dh said she wasn't as it didnt really involve her...

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

DH left the call confused and unsure and I am now doubting myself as very honestly...we were willing to spend the money / take the annual leave / go through all the hassle before they told us our children weren't invited.

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

We looked at everyone going for the weekend only but that's even weirder / less practical than making it into a holiday

FGS

Family or not your BIL can't dictate that you're both at his wedding, then get arse achy because you can't attend due to restrictions he himself is placing on the day.

Knowing that you have DC and not allowing them to attend from start to finish is also dictating that you'll have to find a way of getting someone else to look after them, his suggestion of your DM also flighing out there too isn't something that's feasible.

You and your DH have done the best you can in at least finding a way in which he can have his brother(?) attend.

If that's not something he agrees with that's then up to him to compromise and allow DC to attend all day or accept your decision, as you have his.

DH mother is only throwing fuel into the mix, best she keeps out of it and lets her adult children sort it between themselves.

11K for a party you won't even be able to go to? No way!

Could you hire childcare out there

Its 11k for a family holiday

Do people actually do that, travel to another country and just leave their children with strangers?

Ask his mum what she thinks you should do. Pay all that money to spend four hours all together as a family? It's bonkers.

I think you need to grey rock this. I suspect that however rationally your DH sets out his reasons for the both of you not going they'll just pick arguments. If I was you I'd be avoiding long debates on it and keeping what you say simple.

Family members who complain about being caught in the middle have actually taken sides and not with the person they’re complaining to, IME. I would say ‘sorry, but no’ and not be drawn into further arguments.

Yes in hotels with kids clubs and babysitting services

For a 2 and 4 year old so that their parents can attend a wedding not wedding? On a holiday at a kids club when older sure but not at those ages surely?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. When we got married we'd wanted a child-free wedding but as a lot of my family live abroad and would be travelling over for it I didn't think we could say that as I couldn't ask people to leave their children behind.

That said we've been to some abroad no-kids weddings and either brought in-laws along to babysit or left kids at home with grandparents. But if that's not an option for you then it's not an option.

Only thing is, people can be so weird about weddings. And if you don't go and cause a rift, would you regret it? Given you were going to make a holiday of it anyway could you go and just suck up sitting out the no-kids bits with the kids and going to the pool or having some fun doing something different through those bits of the day.

I'm not saying you are unreasonable or they are reasonable. But sometimes life is too short and it's better to keep the peace.

I imagine one day you'll get an apology when they have their own kids and realise what they've asked of you. I had a heartfelt apology from one of my own mates where I'd attended her abroad wedding 5 weeks postpartum (brought baby with). She'd obviously assumed I'd come, no questions. When she had her own 5 week old a year later she realised what a huge stretch it had been!

I ve used babysitters for evening out on holiday, a few hours here or there would certainly help

The sad thing is that even if your DH goes on his own, he will have to put up with all the rancour this attitude has stirred up with BIL and MIL.

Even if you all capitulated and did what they wanted, its not like they are suddenly going to start being nice to you both again is it? They don't sound like the type to get over arguments quickly.

I wouldn't wan't to go to a party where people were treating me like that. Much less spend £11k for the favour.

Why lie? They were going to go until it became child free. So surely be honest and say we’re not all going to come and make it a holiday when the kids can’t be part of most of the events.

I'm absolutely supportive and like child free weddings but being child free and abroad makes it a logistical nightmare.

Have you never used a kids club?

At 4 kids go to school and are left in the care of other adults all day every day.

At 2 many kids go to nursery 8-6.

Not suggesting this is the right fit for the OP or even available in the country they are going to but childcare isn't evil in and of itself

Of course I've used a kids club and 4 year olds go to school but hiring random strangers in another country just so the OP can appease these relatives seems a ridiculous idea. An older child attending a holiday club for a few hours is very different to leaving two very young children for most of the day.

Well, as this couple are already married, it's just an expensive party, FFS! Nobody can force you to go, OP so stand your ground - it's already very generous of your husband to offer to go solo.
Just stay polite, and maybe offer to take them out for dinner once they're back in the UK.

You just know that when these people have children they will expect the entire world to revolve around them.

I’m slightly gawping that you were willing to pay £11k to attend the wedding!

Can you go out and have a nice holiday, and dh attend the wedding event solo?

YANBU at all.
The absolute cheek of expecting someone to fork out 11k (!!!) to fly to a country to attend -but not actually attend -a second part wedding.
DH attending alone is a perfectly valid and sensible solution. There doesn't need to be any rift and you've been polite and fair. You haven't sulked or tried to make them change their choices. They are being entitled idiots.
If I were you two, I'd refuse to discuss it further. You've made a decision and told them.

If the venue is over 21s only, it’s unlikely it has a kids’ club. And most hotel kids’ clubs do insist the parents are somewhere onsite - you can’t drop them off at breakfast then leave the hotel to do wedding things all day, and get back at 2am to retrieve them after the reception.

It’s not even a wedding.

Other childcare services exist

It was 11k for a holiday, with a wedding in it