Aibu - BIL's wedding

[CordlessHoover]

NC - but regular poster

We want outside opinions as following a conversation with MIL we are left asking ourselves... are we being unreasonable?

Sorry its long
Trying not to dripfeed...

• BIL and SIL live an 8 hour flight away.
• Their big fat wedding is next July.
• for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. (Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles. Her parents are really wealthy so its no problem there)
• We have a 3 and 1 year old who will be 2 and 4
• We had initially planned to go as a family and make the best of it and turn it into a family holiday (estimated total cost would have been about £11k all in)
• BIL has told my DH he and SIL want the wedding and wedding venue to be "over-21s" only but there are some parts our children would be permitted to attend (a pre wedding dinner the day before and a section for 2 hrs or so on the day)
• we were (understandably?) a bit / quite shocked.
• They like / want kids themselves!? our DC will be the only cousins their children will ever have.
• we digested the news and went back to explained that we respect their choice, its their day and they should have it how they want but that does make things tricky for us logistically so most likely my DH will likely attend solo and go for a long weekend.

We thought this was pretty reasonable...

Bil replied and said he wants "both of us" there and suggested maybe my mum could fly out with us and watch the kids. I dont know where to start with that suggestion 😅
Beyond the obvious... my DM is in not great physical health basically only babysits for us when the kids are asleep or for 2 hrs max.

Dh replied and said look its okay. I don't want you to stress about this, please don't change your plans. We've discussed it further and decided best thing for us as a family is for me to come solo.

Bil then phoned MIL... who the next day phoned DH for 90 mins or so.
She was pretty clear that she thought DH was in the wrong and he was going to cause a family rift. She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding. There was also a lot of chat about her being caught in the middle. Dh said she wasn't as it didnt really involve her...

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

DH left the call confused and unsure and I am now doubting myself as very honestly...we were willing to spend the money / take the annual leave / go through all the hassle before they told us our children weren't invited.

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

We looked at everyone going for the weekend only but that's even weirder / less practical than making it into a holiday

Arghhhhh weddings!!!!!

I don't think weddings are the problem here (I've been to plenty of weddings that had zero drama at all). The problem is your DH (who can't deal with this like a grown up it seems, and will need your help for logistics?!) and his dysfunctional family who can't have normal conversations to organise something 🙄

Work out your position (stay home, look after the kids sounds very appealing), state your position, shut down any further discussion. He can go, stay, whatever.

He can also deal with the in-laws going forward.

Ha, that's 5k in your English pounds, blimey, it'll have to be a good party!

How much for the room per night?

Fuck that. I'd want to be sleeping in Buckingham Palace and ferried around in a golden coach for that much.

$650/night is a ridiculous ask for a wedding, especially on top of flights. Even more ridiculous if that comes on top of flights.

I'm assuming this is east coast USA and somewhere in Massachusetts or Connecticut or upstate NY. At that price the rooms won't even necessarily be glorious, although the grounds and common spaces will be (they'll be lovely, but not what you'd expect for that much money). If this is the case, two nights is plenty for a solo traveler. He should go economy, stay two nights and miss whatever elements he has to miss, and expect profuse thanks and owe you massively for holding the fort while he's off on a jolly.

As for your MIL: I have one who's exactly the same re stirring the pot. It's AWFUL. You have my sympathies.

"Right now, I cannot wait to remind him how "sick of talking about it" he is when he wants me to "give input" and "help" research logistics for the trip (ie. Solve his problems and tell him what to do)
😑😑😑"

$650/night!

Honestly, fuck that for a game of soldiers. DH's mother and brother can ponce about 'keeping up with the Jones's' (or SIL's parents in this case) pretending they're rich enough to not care about the massive expense of this not-actually-a-wedding, but I just would not play this game at all.

I would be refusing the use of joint money for this proposed extravagant trip - if DH wants to do this he can pay for it from his own pocket, not from family money. Nor would I offer any logistical advice. He'd be on his own for this fiasco. I would, however, be reminding of his family treating him as a walking ATM in the past.

I'd be fuming if it was my dh. Not that he'd even consider this. It's all absurd.

The issue is not the wedding, its your manchild husband who seems incapable of dealing with this like an adult.

So unattractive. Drop the rope completely.

£650 a night on top of all the other travel costs? For someone else's party (fake wedding)?

Who the fuck are these people?

My bil and sil - lucky me 😅

Also its $650, not pounds, so slightly less diabolical.

The wedding isnt for ages so we are just going to ignore it / not talk about it for a few months and work it our later

I thought your husband was with you on this. He goes to his brothers wedding, you stay home with kids. He tells mil and bil that it just makes sense.

But now he is cranky about this?

Good luck @CordlessHoover x