Aibu - BIL's wedding

[CordlessHoover]

NC - but regular poster

We want outside opinions as following a conversation with MIL we are left asking ourselves... are we being unreasonable?

Sorry its long
Trying not to dripfeed...

• BIL and SIL live an 8 hour flight away.
• Their big fat wedding is next July.
• for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. (Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles. Her parents are really wealthy so its no problem there)
• We have a 3 and 1 year old who will be 2 and 4
• We had initially planned to go as a family and make the best of it and turn it into a family holiday (estimated total cost would have been about £11k all in)
• BIL has told my DH he and SIL want the wedding and wedding venue to be "over-21s" only but there are some parts our children would be permitted to attend (a pre wedding dinner the day before and a section for 2 hrs or so on the day)
• we were (understandably?) a bit / quite shocked.
• They like / want kids themselves!? our DC will be the only cousins their children will ever have.
• we digested the news and went back to explained that we respect their choice, its their day and they should have it how they want but that does make things tricky for us logistically so most likely my DH will likely attend solo and go for a long weekend.

We thought this was pretty reasonable...

Bil replied and said he wants "both of us" there and suggested maybe my mum could fly out with us and watch the kids. I dont know where to start with that suggestion 😅
Beyond the obvious... my DM is in not great physical health basically only babysits for us when the kids are asleep or for 2 hrs max.

Dh replied and said look its okay. I don't want you to stress about this, please don't change your plans. We've discussed it further and decided best thing for us as a family is for me to come solo.

Bil then phoned MIL... who the next day phoned DH for 90 mins or so.
She was pretty clear that she thought DH was in the wrong and he was going to cause a family rift. She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding. There was also a lot of chat about her being caught in the middle. Dh said she wasn't as it didnt really involve her...

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

DH left the call confused and unsure and I am now doubting myself as very honestly...we were willing to spend the money / take the annual leave / go through all the hassle before they told us our children weren't invited.

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

We looked at everyone going for the weekend only but that's even weirder / less practical than making it into a holiday

Breathtakingly rude and batshit - them of course, not you!!

They want you to fly your mum out, at your expense, to facilitate them excluding your children (their nieces / nephews) from their wedding?! 😅

To use a MN expression, are they on glue?!

Absolutely ridiculous. This is just an £11K party. They are being 100% unreasonable.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Christ maybe I was a bit PFB with mine, but I didn't let my Mum do an overnight until DC was 3 (she is an older Mum, as was I, so wanted DC to be out of nappies) DC is now 5 and still haven't used an unrelated babysitter. There is absolutley no way I would be spending £11k plus on a holiday which would have been a stressful logistical nightmare because my little ones weren't invited. It would be incredibly stressful and worrying abroad.

You've offered a very generous compromise, and they have to bloody learn that if you don't invite kids you risk un-inviting parents! Gets on my tits this sort of entitlement, they need to fucking learn to take no for an answer too! Twats.

If they are private jet rich and want you there that badly, they can always put their hand in their pocket can't they....I'd offer that as one of BIL possible "solutions" 😉 (I wouldn't actually as I wouldn't want to be paid for, but still)

Stick to your plan.

you are being sensible and reasonable and they are off their heads.

If they really think they are being reasonable then it’s not much of a loss if you cause a rift…
Just tell them you can’t spend that much money, especially if you would be forced to miss most of it. Please don’t cave and go, you’ll resent them!

YANBU. I wouldn't spend that much money to attend what is basically a party in the first place. In the second place I would spend that money to attend a party my children will be excluded from. And in the third place I wouldn't spend that much money going to the party of someone who is putting pressure to attend anyway either without children or with added expense. Nothing about it will be a 'family holiday'. Either DH goes or none of you I would say.

Oh wow 😅 I think I might know the world your BIL has married into: I wish him the very best in his marriage 🤣. The SIL (with her DM, possibly?) has a plan for her “wedding” which involves one or more events with one or more seating plans, from which your absence would cause enormous problems (“problems”) for them and their wedding planner. It will also look “bad”: they absolutely will not tolerate “couldn’t afford it” as an explanation; theirs will be a world where children have night nurses and a nanny per child from the moment the baby is born. They simply will not comprehend you not wanting to leave your DC, they’d argue to your face that surely you want a fun time as adults without them?!

This SIL and/or her DM has it all planned out and your presence is required to bring the vision to light. Your BIL is going to get it in the neck if only your DH and MIL turn up! oh boy oh boy oh boy. I strongly, STRONGLY advise you to stand firm because you give these people an inch and they’ll take a bloody lightyear. Start the way you mean to continue, try to yourselves and your values.

ETA: happy to hear your BIL had the sense to drop his “one idea I had…”. He hasn’t totally gone over to the dark side yet!

Given your updates and your mention of it not being spare ‘fun’ change for you… this amount can do so much for your kids so just keep it.. without regrets. I get the dynamics and pressure though, but that’s all it is. Best wishes

One of my sisters constantly created drama like this, screamed at people when she didn’t get her own way, said some quite frankly unforgivable things ( she called them home truths) and then threw a complete strop at a family funeral and threatened to go NC we were all so tired of it all we said okay. She hasn’t spoken to any of us for 15 years and sad to say I don’t miss her sat all, sometimes you just have to say enough is enough and ignore the emotional blackmail.

The only unreasonable bit is entertaining further discussion with them on it.
You have offered them a solution you don't have childcare and frankly who wants to spend a day with 2 young children in a place you don't know being asked why they can't attend a party!

They can kick off all they like they have made the children rule which means you can't attend simple as really regardless of foot stomping by MIL/BIL or SIL!

Not sure how four people travelling 8 hours away could be £11k but aside from that, they are cheeky gits!! Yanbu

Fucks sake, I haven’t RTFT but I was going to suggest DH goes on his own and you stay home, then I saw you suggested that. Talk about unreasonable BIL.

I’m all for a child free wedding, but it’s not practical to ask people and their kids to come abroad and then expect them to find a babysitter out there. You’ve not kicked up a fuss; you had a reasonable compromise and they’re not happy with it. They’ll either have to accept that you don’t come, or the kids need to. It’s already an expensive enough holiday without having to pay for a babysitter to join.

I was under huge pressure from my family to go to a wedding abroad (a big party as they were legally married).

It would have cost about £10k+ for three of us to go halfway across the world and children weren't invited to the actual day. The babysitting service ended up not being available so it suddenly was no longer child-free.

I eventually decided to go on my own once my parents offered to cover half my trip. The cost was unreal as it was Christmas. Leaving my small child was awful but we had an early Christmas. The expectations from the couple were unbelievably out of character.

Our whole wedding cost £8k, I wouldn’t be paying £11k to attend someone’s else’s even if the kids were invited! You are nicer than me, I would be saying none of us were going!

Your in laws are unfortunately borderline insane and also - for the very wealthy- mean.

I only know one ‘private jet rich’ family & if they organise a family party they pay for the guests travel (in the case of less wealthy family members I mean) without being asked & arrange hotels, babysitters etc, showing great consideration for parents travelling with young children.

Yours are seeking to have the best of both worlds. They are unreasonable and I hope you won’t subject yourself to this expensive & stressful vanity project.

Sorry OP, I do think YANBU on the emotional side, but I dropped out when you defended the 11K spend. To me that's an obscene amount of money for a guest to spend on a wedding in any circumstances (and yes no doubt there are people who spend millions).

If BIL is the golden child, you may as well do whatever suits you because your DH’s family won’t be fair or reasonable by the sound of it. Be prepared for emotional blackmail and nasty things to be said but DON’T let it change your resolve to do what is best for you, DH, your DC and your Mum.

If they refuse to speak to any of you again, I’d call that a good result!

If SIL's family really are that rich it's insane they're letting you incur all these costs of accomodation and car hire and (potential) child care. Not stealth boasting but I've been to a couple of weddings of families with that kind of wealth, in exotic/glamourous locations, hundreds of guests coming in from all over the world and the etiquette has always been everything is done for the guests even if said guests are wealthy themselves, it's not about pity for the poor relations or consideration of their financial circumstances, it's hospitality, just the done thing. We're talking flights and accommodation covered, all transport in the location covered, beautiful food and drink the whole time including day/before and after sorted, creche or nannies at the venue for those who want it. On the one hand it's astounding hospitality but also a drop in the ocean of net worth we're talking and just provided as a matter of course.

If they're really expecting you to sort all this out yourself that's terrible manners on their part. Why aren't you staying at the 'enormous manor house' for a start, aren't you as close family part of the party?

We would be going for 14 days if we went as originally planned and I'd describe as a mid range holiday. It's an expensive destination... A good proportion is 4 x economy flights at 4.5k.

I used Chapgpt to double check my estimate just now and it gave me £10.5k for the trip as we will need car hire etc.

@NoctuaAthene I don't have the intimate details but from what sil has said about her childhood the parents wealth is relatively new ... like the last 10 years or so...

They dont own private jets i dont think... but the dad uses them and SIL doss if travelling woth family sometimes. Sil and bil flew commercial (business) last time they visited.

Re venue
I don't know what to tell you...they dont want children on the grounds / in the vicinity of the venue...🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve read some batshit things on here but this is something else! It’s not even the wedding, 11k is a fucking ridiculous amount to spend on attending a party, you’ve offered a perfectly reasonable solution of your DH going on his own. Just tell them DH goes on his own or the kids are invited. My whole wedding and honeymoon cost about £8k altogether so there is no way on this earth I’d pay £11k for that!

Oh let me think. 11k in the bank or trawling half way across the world to go to a party where my children aren't welcome...

This nails it.
Your position is perfectly reasonable.

They are being ridiculous. You can’t just ‘poof!’ make your children disappear for the night in a foreign country on demand. This is the consequence of having a child free (‘over 21s’ 🤣) wedding. Children can’t attend and their primary caregiver needs to stay home to look after them.

We have had many a childfree wedding abroad. 🙄 Dh the best man in a couple of them. I stayed home, Dh went on his own as they were his friends/he was in the wedding party. Perfectly reasonable solution.

I’m quite stubborn and people acting like absolute twats irritates me. If I was your Dh, I probably wouldn’t even want to attend at all personally because they are acting like such princesses.