Aibu - BIL's wedding

[CordlessHoover]

NC - but regular poster

We want outside opinions as following a conversation with MIL we are left asking ourselves... are we being unreasonable?

Sorry its long
Trying not to dripfeed...

• BIL and SIL live an 8 hour flight away.
• Their big fat wedding is next July.
• for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. (Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles. Her parents are really wealthy so its no problem there)
• We have a 3 and 1 year old who will be 2 and 4
• We had initially planned to go as a family and make the best of it and turn it into a family holiday (estimated total cost would have been about £11k all in)
• BIL has told my DH he and SIL want the wedding and wedding venue to be "over-21s" only but there are some parts our children would be permitted to attend (a pre wedding dinner the day before and a section for 2 hrs or so on the day)
• we were (understandably?) a bit / quite shocked.
• They like / want kids themselves!? our DC will be the only cousins their children will ever have.
• we digested the news and went back to explained that we respect their choice, its their day and they should have it how they want but that does make things tricky for us logistically so most likely my DH will likely attend solo and go for a long weekend.

We thought this was pretty reasonable...

Bil replied and said he wants "both of us" there and suggested maybe my mum could fly out with us and watch the kids. I dont know where to start with that suggestion 😅
Beyond the obvious... my DM is in not great physical health basically only babysits for us when the kids are asleep or for 2 hrs max.

Dh replied and said look its okay. I don't want you to stress about this, please don't change your plans. We've discussed it further and decided best thing for us as a family is for me to come solo.

Bil then phoned MIL... who the next day phoned DH for 90 mins or so.
She was pretty clear that she thought DH was in the wrong and he was going to cause a family rift. She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding. There was also a lot of chat about her being caught in the middle. Dh said she wasn't as it didnt really involve her...

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

DH left the call confused and unsure and I am now doubting myself as very honestly...we were willing to spend the money / take the annual leave / go through all the hassle before they told us our children weren't invited.

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

We looked at everyone going for the weekend only but that's even weirder / less practical than making it into a holiday

Just say it's not in your family budget to spend £11,000 on anything, nevermind a daft party.
Husbands relatives can tantrum till their hearts are content, it's fine.

They are being absolutely ridiculous. Absolutely fair enough have a childfree wedding, but they have to accept that childcare is an issue anyway, and a massive issue if the wedding is abroad!

Suggesting your mum flies out to stay?? They need to get a grip and realise their wedding is not that important (I’m not saying it’s not important, I’m saying it’s not important enough to make this request of guests).

DH can tell his DM that everyone will come if she is willing to pay for it. NB if that conversation does happen and she agrees, I would get her to buy the plane tickets or give you the money up front.

Your BiL and SiL are perfectly entitled to have the wedding they choose, in the place they choose.

Any invited guests are perfectly entitled to accept or decline the invitation and the bride and groom should accept that a distant venue, whilst near to them, will be much more difficult for those who have to travel.

Brides and grooms are entitled to specify a child free wedding, but must recognise that it may not be possible for a percentage of guests to attend.

Of course it would be great if it could be accomplished easily as it’s family, but it can’t. You have offered an alternative that works for your family. You are not causing rift if they don’t accept that- they are.

In fact, it isn’t really a wedding as they’re already married. It’s a big party with a ceremony and posh frocks.

Im sure the £11K can be spent elsewhere.

Of course YANBU.

I simply cannot get my head around people expecting guests to fork out thousands to attend a wedding.
I could never, ever imagine being so self absorbed and entitled that I'd expect anybody, not even close family, to fork out on airfares for a few hours at a shindig.

YANBU

Your DH going solo is the only option and definitely not unreasonable. In fact with most of these dilemmas the most frequent Mumsnet answer is always “well can’t just one of you go?”

If you all go (even if this was desirable financially) it sounds like your DH would be the only one attending anything significant anyway!! So to your point - why would you spend ££££ and hassle of small children to do, what exactly??

If they were that bothered about you personally being there with your DC then they wouldn’t have imposed their strict age criteria!!!

Your bil is being ridiculous. Your husband, his brother, just offered a compromise. The brother just wants his own way.
How dare they expect you to pay that amount of money for a wedding. Nothing to discuss, don't go. If you give I on this, the entitled brother in law will start wanting other things.

That's not an invite. That's not a wedding either, that's already happened. It's a party.

However, since it is completely outside your budget to pay for the shenanigans, if they offered to pay for your entire trip + babysitters etc. then I'd go.

Otherwise it's DH on his own or none of you go. Forget the flying monkeys, you are adults. DH must (unless entire gig is paid for you) be firm and go alone.

You definitely aren't being unreasonable.
It seems they are making it really hard for you to attend this event as a family but are getting annoyed when you quite rightly don't want to spend a huge amount of money on an event your family cant attend.
If BIL wants to discuss the whole family attending - great. But if he thinks its OK to suggest your DM comes over at vast expense to essentially babysit - he's being silly.
He chose a child free second marriage ceremony abroad - fine. That choice has consequences, Your DH attends solo.

Jesus Christ many people don't even spend 11k on their own wedding, never mind someone else's post wedding celebration.

Your BIL and SIL are being ridiculous - it's outrageous to expect people to travel 8 hours and either leave their children 8 hours away or have someone else travel a 16 hour round trip to babysit.

They are completely entitled to invite who they invite to their wedding. They're outrageously rude to think that their wishes mean you must comply. You're completely entitled to do what works for your family.

If they had any manners your children would be invited. It's a ridiculous distance to expect family to travel when half of you aren't invited to the whole thing.

Absolutely do not spend money you can’t afford on someone else’s wedding. Particularly a wedding where you and kids wouldn't be invited to 90% of it.
I

Don’t make it about the cost when it isn’t about the cost.

I’d be clear I’m happy to fly my family out to a wedding my family is invited to. But if we can’t all go then just those able to attend will fly as otherwise we will be wasting money on 3 flights.

I lived abroad in multiple locations for years and have many friends abroad. It is widely understood that if you have a wedding in a distant location, your closest friends may not be able to attend due to logistics or cost.

The way around it is to have several in-country receptions that allow your social circle in that locality to attend easily.

Has your BIL considered a UK based mini-wedding reception?

IT is all very well that BIL wants you both there, but he is choosing to hold an event that makes it incredibly difficult for that to be the case. Just stick to your guns. It is not you, it really is them causing the drama.

BIL is being absolutely ridiculous. MIL is being quite ridiculous for tolerating his nonsense instead of telling BIL to get a grip. She doesn't need to be involved in the slightest.

DH is being very accommodating to fly 8 hours away to a wedding his wife and children cannot attend.

Why do their wishes not to invite your children trump your wishes to not go ?

They are CFs and think life is all about them but it’s not . I wouldn’t spend 11k on anyone never mind someone who has made it clear my children are not welcome .

Let your dh speak to his brother to reiterate. We are not flying half way across the world for a wedding we aren’t attending. He’s being an idiot.

As you stated, they are quite within their rights to have a kid free wedding...(party... forgot, they have already been married A YEAR!)

And you are quite within your rights to not attend the event because you have children and have childcare issues.

They cant have their location child free party and demand people attend (in another country with children)

Unless they want to organise and pay for full day babysitting services in the country of the event? Even then you're still not obligated to go. And tell MIL to keep her nose out, none of her business.

11k? I didn't spend that on my own wedding, never mind attending someone elses. Nope YANBU. stick to your guns, dont go.

It is sometimes unavoidable that families fall out, this is sad but you should never expect to be walked all over. DH going by himself is the best answer in my opinion.

They can have a child free wedding.

Relatives with children don't have to attend.

Their expectation that you will attend is unreasonable. You have children, you don't have appropriate childcare, and the costs of this are massively unreasonable to expect a young family to shoulder.

And they're already married!!!!!

An invitation is not a summons and they would do well to remember that. This is a fucking party, not a wedding. I think they're fucking entitled assholes expecting people to fork out £11K for a fucking party and then having the fucking nerve to argue with people about it.

I don't even know where to start with this one. Madness all round.

A family rift? Seriously? Does it get any more ridiculous than that? Just because your DH said he’ll go to BIL’s party (it’s not a wedding) on his own?

If my family threatened me with that crap I would probably tell them to grow up and to get back in touch when they’ve got a fucking grip of themselves.

And if they didn’t then I’d assume we were never that close anyway.

He’ll have been married for over a year by then. It’s not a wedding it’s a party. And to expect people to shell out eleven grand on a party and to not bring the kids isn’t even worth responding to IMO.

So yeah, I’d just say to BIL that it’s his loss.

The cousins won’t have a relationship anyway given how far apart they live, so you’ve lost nothing there.

Eleven grand!!! 😳

Tell them you can’t pretend you don’t have children.
There’s no one to look after them.
They either come with you to the whole thing or one of you stays at home to be with them there.
Your kids can’t be without one of you, which option do they prefer?
idiots

It's not even a wedding it's a piss up in another country.

You were already being more than generous in agreeing to spend over 10 grand on attending this party and if I were you husband I wouldn't be entertaining this nonsense now and would tell them not to bother. Honestly there's no point in trying to be logical if all they are going to do is throw a tantrum.