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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - BIL's wedding

237 replies

CordlessHoover · 02/10/2025 15:00

NC - but regular poster

We want outside opinions as following a conversation with MIL we are left asking ourselves... are we being unreasonable?

Sorry its long
Trying not to dripfeed...

  • BIL and SIL live an 8 hour flight away.
  • Their big fat wedding is next July.
  • for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. (Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles. Her parents are really wealthy so its no problem there)
  • We have a 3 and 1 year old who will be 2 and 4
  • We had initially planned to go as a family and make the best of it and turn it into a family holiday (estimated total cost would have been about £11k all in)
  • BIL has told my DH he and SIL want the wedding and wedding venue to be "over-21s" only but there are some parts our children would be permitted to attend (a pre wedding dinner the day before and a section for 2 hrs or so on the day)
  • we were (understandably?) a bit / quite shocked.
  • They like / want kids themselves!? our DC will be the only cousins their children will ever have.
  • we digested the news and went back to explained that we respect their choice, its their day and they should have it how they want but that does make things tricky for us logistically so most likely my DH will likely attend solo and go for a long weekend.

We thought this was pretty reasonable...

Bil replied and said he wants "both of us" there and suggested maybe my mum could fly out with us and watch the kids. I dont know where to start with that suggestion 😅
Beyond the obvious... my DM is in not great physical health basically only babysits for us when the kids are asleep or for 2 hrs max.

Dh replied and said look its okay. I don't want you to stress about this, please don't change your plans. We've discussed it further and decided best thing for us as a family is for me to come solo.

Bil then phoned MIL... who the next day phoned DH for 90 mins or so.
She was pretty clear that she thought DH was in the wrong and he was going to cause a family rift. She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding. There was also a lot of chat about her being caught in the middle. Dh said she wasn't as it didnt really involve her...

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

DH left the call confused and unsure and I am now doubting myself as very honestly...we were willing to spend the money / take the annual leave / go through all the hassle before they told us our children weren't invited.

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

We looked at everyone going for the weekend only but that's even weirder / less practical than making it into a holiday

OP posts:
MyKindHiker · 02/10/2025 16:07

Luxio · 02/10/2025 15:58

Of course I've used a kids club and 4 year olds go to school but hiring random strangers in another country just so the OP can appease these relatives seems a ridiculous idea. An older child attending a holiday club for a few hours is very different to leaving two very young children for most of the day.

Show quote history
  1. You don't know the country. It might be somewhere like the Caribbean where there are lovely hotels which are set up with kids clubs where they could stay. Or if the BIL lives there live there, they may know someone! A nice cousin or friend who's a nursery nurse or something. Obviously no one would hire strangers.
  2. The OP says there are some things the kids could come to - a few hours here and there. So in theory they could do a bit of Tetris of kids come along to some bits, childcare for a few hours to allow mum to do other bits, mum comes home for bedtime (or something). I have done this myself where we've attended weddings kids not invited to. It's a pain but for a close relative wedding necessary.

All of the above might not be the right fit for the OP but if it's a choice between logistical challenges and a huge family rift (even though BIL is the unreasonable one) I'd personally go for figuring out the logistics and avoiding the row if physically possible.

PullTheBricksDown · 02/10/2025 16:07

LemondrizzleShark · 02/10/2025 16:02

If the venue is over 21s only, it’s unlikely it has a kids’ club. And most hotel kids’ clubs do insist the parents are somewhere onsite - you can’t drop them off at breakfast then leave the hotel to do wedding things all day, and get back at 2am to retrieve them after the reception.

Show quote history

Hardly a family trip though is it, if you have to spend yet more money on childcare instead of enjoying a family event together?

Stand firm. Your DH going alone is a nicer gesture than they deserve.

TheatricalLife · 02/10/2025 16:08

😳😂 at the thought of hiring childcare on top of the 11k you would have already spent.

Awrite · 02/10/2025 16:09

Bloody hell, I would happily start a family rift over being treated so shoddily.

Mil will forgive dh as he is her child who is living in this country so I wouldn't worry about that.

Personally, I think dh should sack it off. Spend the money on something that will benefit your children.

UninitendedShark · 02/10/2025 16:09

It would be a hard pass from me. Very hard pass. For a start they’re already married. It’s a very extravagant party and half of you aren’t invited! If they decide to fall out with you about it that’s on them. It’s an invitation not a summons and you have a lot of reasons to decline. The cost is exorbitant and prohibitive.

Chazbots · 02/10/2025 16:10

The only thing I can think of that makes this make any sense is that because they live there they don't realise how much this will cost you.

Do a reverse, would they spend 15k (if you add in your DM) to come to a party at your place?

mummytrex · 02/10/2025 16:10

You're not being unreasonable.

Just explain you're mum isnt in great health and can't look after the kids for extended periods of time and you're not comfortable leaving them with strangers you don't know. Therefore it's dh goes alone, or not at all.

As someone else said if mil wants to to pay for all then get the money up front.

Luxio · 02/10/2025 16:11

All of the above might not be the right fit for the OP but if it's a choice between logistical challenges and a huge family rift (even though BIL is the unreasonable one) I'd personally go for figuring out the logistics and avoiding the row if physically possible.

Genuine question but why? Why should the OP and her family be the ones to make all the adjustments? It sounds like these in laws are the kind of people who will find anything to fall out over so if it's not this party then it will no doubt be something equally ridiculous and to be honest I'd rather say no now if I were the OP than have them fall out with me at a later date when I've spent 11K.

Dontbeme · 02/10/2025 16:11

he was going to cause a family rift.

Oh no, how awful if these people wouldn't talk to you anymore. Whatever would you do.

She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding.

Well yeah, cos ELEVEN grand.

I wouldn't be going and I would be saving that money for when a boiler/car/roof needs repairing.

stichguru · 02/10/2025 16:13

Be clear with MIL from the get go that if this causes a family rift it is 100% the fault of your super self-centred and utterly rude BIL & SIL!

To be honest inviting people with small kids to an event ABROAD that the kids couldn't go to ALL of is something that people who weren't UTTERLY self centred and VERY rude would not do!!

DaisyChain505 · 02/10/2025 16:14

Anyone who is planning a destination wedding/asking people to spend a lot of money on travel etc should have zero expectations about who says they can come or not.

It doesn’t matter if it was the Queen asking you, nobody gets to decide if your financial situation would cover all the costs and even if it did it’s up to you to decide if you’d want to spend that much money on a wedding.

11k could be a new car, serious home improvements etc.

LeopardPrince · 02/10/2025 16:14

I understand child-free weddings. But I can’t imagine not just having my own nieces and nephews there and never will. OP I think your compromise is perfect. You are doing nothing wrong. The ball is in their court.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/10/2025 16:14

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/10/2025 15:55

The sad thing is that even if your DH goes on his own, he will have to put up with all the rancour this attitude has stirred up with BIL and MIL.

Even if you all capitulated and did what they wanted, its not like they are suddenly going to start being nice to you both again is it? They don't sound like the type to get over arguments quickly.

I wouldn't wan't to go to a party where people were treating me like that. Much less spend £11k for the favour.

I think this is a very good point - the "family rift" MIL accused OP's husband was going to cause has already happened, thanks to her other son's ridiculous demands.

In which case, fuck it, save your eleven grand and send them a card!

Maddy70 · 02/10/2025 16:15

Why don't you all go and the child free bits you go back to the hotel and do your own thing?

Redpeach · 02/10/2025 16:15

Luxio · 02/10/2025 16:11

All of the above might not be the right fit for the OP but if it's a choice between logistical challenges and a huge family rift (even though BIL is the unreasonable one) I'd personally go for figuring out the logistics and avoiding the row if physically possible.

Genuine question but why? Why should the OP and her family be the ones to make all the adjustments? It sounds like these in laws are the kind of people who will find anything to fall out over so if it's not this party then it will no doubt be something equally ridiculous and to be honest I'd rather say no now if I were the OP than have them fall out with me at a later date when I've spent 11K.

Because it will be a memorable and enjoyable occasion?

Dontbeme · 02/10/2025 16:18

Redpeach · 02/10/2025 16:15

Because it will be a memorable and enjoyable occasion?

Show quote history

Spaffing eleven grand would certainly be memorable, but I don't know about enjoyable.

TheJessops · 02/10/2025 16:19

Your in-laws are being totally immature in their response however, can't you still all go? Seems the kids are invited to a fair chunk of it. You all go to the bits you are all invited to, then you go off with the kids for the adult part of the wedding and your husband stays till the end. Then for the rest of the time you are all still there to enjoy the family holiday. Chances are at 2 & 4 years old the kids will be going to bed way earlier than the wedding goes on for anyway so you (or whichever parent would be putting them to bed) and them wouldn't actually be missing much?

£11K is a drop in the ocean to some and absurdly unaffordable to others so no one can tell you if that is unreasonable or not.

Luxio · 02/10/2025 16:20

Redpeach · 02/10/2025 16:15

Because it will be a memorable and enjoyable occasion?

Show quote history

A party where they will have to juggle the children and be subjected to family who are argumentative and rude all whilst sinking 11k into the occasion doesn't sound very enjoyable.

Redpeach · 02/10/2025 16:21

Dontbeme · 02/10/2025 16:18

Spaffing eleven grand would certainly be memorable, but I don't know about enjoyable.

Show quote history

The 11 k would mostly be a great holiday, not the wedding

Redpeach · 02/10/2025 16:22

Luxio · 02/10/2025 16:20

A party where they will have to juggle the children and be subjected to family who are argumentative and rude all whilst sinking 11k into the occasion doesn't sound very enjoyable.

Show quote history

And on the other hand, some of it will be enjoyable

thereneverwasacloudyday · 02/10/2025 16:24

AT this point, I'd be having your whole family decline, husband included.

They're already married. It's a ridiculous demand that you all spend thousands to attend 'a party'.

Nearly50omg · 02/10/2025 16:24

Just tell them after going back and looking at the finances the numbers don’t crunch so none of you will be able to go. If they come back and go on ask them bluntly are they offering to pay for all of you PLUS a nanny? If not then shut the fuck up

walker1211 · 02/10/2025 16:27

I had a similar situation with my brother’s wedding even more ridiculous was it was during term time and during Covid! He was upset I wasn’t bringing my kids to his destination wedding that he was fitting in between travel bans and that they would only be invited to the pre event of. I just kept to my plan and now years later when they have two kids themselves it is never ever be mentioned again. People lose their minds it seems for weddings.

RandomGeocache · 02/10/2025 16:31

They are married already and will have been married over a year before their pretendy wedding which is really a fancy party.

Hard no. Your DH goes alone and his mum doesn't get involved with the batshittery.

Lennonjingles · 02/10/2025 16:32

DH and I decided soon after we had DC if they weren’t invited, we as a family wouldn’t accept anything. We stuck to it, missed out on some things, but we are happy with our decision.

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