To hate being asked this question in early dating

[yeahokayyythen]

I'm a single parent I've been split from my ex since my child was 4. We have a good co parenting relationship and he is and always has been very involved in his life and is a great dad.

I've recently started dating again currently been chatting to a guy for the last few days. Anyway he asked me last night if my child lived me.. I said yes of course and asked why. He then replied saying how he felt like it was a question he had to ask. I then asked why? Because I just felt like it was an odd question. And he then replied saying as he didn't want to assume anything that's all, then went on to say may I ask how things are with the dad. Am I being overly sensitive here thinking these are personal questions and find it odd how he's asking when he haven't even met up. I've had these kind of questions before and they really bug me.

Yes, those are deeply bizarre questions and suggest someone with a weirdly prurient cast of mind and no filter. I’d suggest he jogged on.

Seems very logical. Could be multiple reasons behind it - either he's trying to check if you're a decent mother - "no I see him once a week and he lives with his dad" would indicate potential issues or lack of interest in parenting. Him living with you is something to consider longer term as it would mean a step parent role day to day. A good relationship with the dad means things should be flexible and there's childcare available, a bad relationship could mean childcare/free time struggles and drama from him to deal with down the line.
I would ask the same questions if I was dating a man with children.

he is checking you will have enough spare time for him and a child not hanging about all the time

I'd be asking similar questions of a man I was thinking of dating. Does he have children, do they live with him, how old are they. Why are you finding it strange?

Possibly he has had a previous bad experience, finding himself in the middle of an ongoing situation with another single parent, and wants to avoid that again. Possible he’s not ideal dating material. If you’ve already been talking a few days I wouldn’t necessarily find this off.

However I would be quite non committal in my responses, until I had met him.

Huh? It would be deeply weird NOT to ask.

I think they are sensible questions. No one wants to be caught in the cross fire of warring exes and he doesn’t want to invest time if your ex is rubbish and you won’t have much time to date or have to cancel last minute when the ex lets you down etc.

I don’t see why that’s weird. It’s a fairly logical question and to just assume you’re single and have a child that lives with you the entire time is somewhat of a generalisation.

If he’s looking for a serious relationship then these don’t seem like unreasonable questions.
If he’s just looking for a bit of fun, a child living with you might put him off.

I don’t think something as significant as having a child who lives with you full time is something that it is unreasonable for someone you might date to be interested in.

I would say that they are dull questions rather than overly personal

Those seem like reasonable questions. I wish I’d asked them before I started a relationship with now DH and found myself in a co-parenting triangle with his awful ex-wife.

I just find it a bit intrusive. If I was speaking to a guy that had kids, yeah I'd want to know how his relationship was like with his ex but I don't think I'd actually ask until we'd spoken a lot more or even if we'd at least met up once.

The way he said he felt like he had to ask and then how he didn't want to assume made me feel like he was assuming in the first place that maybe I didn't have my child living with me or something.

I would think a person was odd if they did not ask this type of thing.

You sound like hard work. Those are perfectly normal questions to ask.

Do I 🤣😭

This. Wouldn’t you want to know the same of a potential new man?

I think they're very normal questions. No point trying to meet up with someone, or even continuing to chat, if they say "well actually I only get two evenings a year free".

And also how people speak of their exes can also be very telling. Any "they're a psycho" or likes would also be a time to walk away without investing any further time.

I think they are perfectly reasonable questions. Yes, he could be sounding out your child free availability, or he could be wanting to be respectful of your child obligations or he could be wanting to sound out your relationship with your ex/partner and want avoid getting involved in a contentious situation because he doesn’t need the hassle.

What would be the point meeting up if having a child living or not living with you would be a deal breaker. Better check these things out before you get too invested.

If I was chatting with someone who had kids, I’d be asking lots of questions.
It gives them a picture of how your home life is and how a relationship might go with you.
It also gives him signs of how you get on with your ex.

Yeah, same. Also, how good is the relationship with the co-parent is a valid question. I’m not about to get involved with someone who is constantly having to deal with a toxic ex.

Thinking these are personal questions

Isn’t that the whole point of getting to know people? Would you rather just talk about the weather?

It;s not like he’s asking for bowel movements and medical history.

If I was talking to someone with a child, I'd want to know where the child lives. It's different dating someone who has a child 24/7 compared to dating someone who has a child 50/50 compared to dating someone who sees a child one weekend a month. It's quite a sensible question really.

So it’s not the questions you find intrusive, just that he asked them too soon. I can understand why you don’t want to discuss your child or your relationship with their father with someone you barely know but they are asking because your answers will probably determine whether they want to continue talking to you. So really it’s in your interest to accept that someone who is direct and doesn’t want to waste either of your time, is going to want to know those things early on.

similarly, you might be wise to find out early on if someone has an appalling relationship with their “crazy” ex who they have children with so you can run a mile before you get involved

I wouldn’t want a significant relationship with a man with, for example, 3 kids with 3 mothers, or who had 3 children under 18 who lived with him 50/50 or more, or who had a hostile non-cooperative obstructive relationship with the mother of any kids. Or who had abandoned kids and was a dead beat Dad.

Too much baggage, too much drama, I have done my child rearing .

Might as well find out early rather than waste time / cause upset.