To hate being asked this question in early dating

[yeahokayyythen]

I'm a single parent I've been split from my ex since my child was 4. We have a good co parenting relationship and he is and always has been very involved in his life and is a great dad.

I've recently started dating again currently been chatting to a guy for the last few days. Anyway he asked me last night if my child lived me.. I said yes of course and asked why. He then replied saying how he felt like it was a question he had to ask. I then asked why? Because I just felt like it was an odd question. And he then replied saying as he didn't want to assume anything that's all, then went on to say may I ask how things are with the dad. Am I being overly sensitive here thinking these are personal questions and find it odd how he's asking when he haven't even met up. I've had these kind of questions before and they really bug me.

Just say “things are amicable and we coparent well”, or whatever.

This is a very important and normal thing to find out before you decide if you want to continue dating someone with children. Same for both genders.

I don’t understand why this is weird to you.

I think this is very mature and progressive to ask these Qs. Sounds like someone who has experienced the challenges of Co-parenting / blended families and is clear on their own personal preferences and how the answers would impact any future relationship and their own children if they have any or plan to.

Did you find out the same info from him and consider if / how this would impact your DCs.

Not on first date or before imo. Bit presumptuous acting like he's auditioning OP before they even know if they like each other. He's acting like the ball is totally in his court, it's gauche. Shows a lack of manners and charm that would put me right off. Second date onwards is different.

I don't think progressive is the word really. Men knowing what they want and making sure they get it is hardly progressive.

I agree with pp, these are sensible questions to ask. It would make a big difference to any relationship - if you have a child who lives with you, you come in a package deal in any serious relationship; if you have a toxic ex, that would be a huge drain on your emotional reserves, and it is important information to have. I say this as someone who is part of a package deal, and have a toxic ex. I don't remember at what point it was discussed - the fact that I have a child who lives mainly with me was very early on, the toxic ex discussion a little while later. Both of these factors are fundamental to our relationship. My DP is an absolute star in both respects, but it is something a potential partner needs to be ready for.

I agree I find it intrusive when you haven’t met in real life.

It’s not that the ball is totally in his court but rather that if the answer means he knows immediately he’s not interested then it saves everyone time on a date that would be heading nowhere.

Which demonstrates further the impertinent nature of this man’s question about the nature of the OP’s relationship with her children’s father. Sone posters have attempted to imply this might be motivated by some concern about logistics of dating in an imagined relationship with this stranger he’s never even met yet. However, as you note, she might have other arrangements in place with family etc so even of the children’s father had no contact with the children or her at all she might still have more time free to date than someone with children whose children do regularly see the other parent. His question quite clearly was not about logistical issues at all, otherwise presumably - given he clearly is unconcerned by boundaries or social etiquette - that is what he’d have asked. He was being intrusive and wanted a total stranger to tell him very personal information about her life. If you and other posters think that behaviour is indicative of a good, respectful man then I sincerely hope you are not engaging in online dating.

Exactly. At best. Abd may be indicative of something even worse as I’ve said. But even the best case scenario means he’s not even worth a first date.

They seem fair enough questions to me, sure they're personal but then the whole point of the exercise is to end up with a personal relationship. I read all the time on MN how certain things are deal breakers for women when dating, including the sorts of things that were asked about here which seem like pretty fundamental aspects of the OP's situation...may as well find out how the land lies upfront instead of wasting '3 or 4 dates' talking about the weather.

Ugh I’ve had ones like that. I had one on bumble ask me if my kids had the same dad and were they conceived casually. 😆Then asked why I was divorced at my age.

Said man was almost 40 and nothing to look at. Unmatched instantly.

I can see why you might find that intrusive OP, but when you’ve been on the dating scene for a while you come across all sorts, and you start to learn situations you want to avoid. It’s possible this man may have had a relationship in which there was a toxic and nightmarish ex, who made his life a misery. Or he might have dated someone who had her child 24-7 and was unable to go on dates ever.

In an ideal world we’d all give everyone the benefit of the doubt, meet them and form our own opinions of their personality and circumstances. But realistically we don’t have the time, energy or mental strength to go on date after date after date, only for it to go wrong over and over again. We have to develop filtering systems!

I think these questions are intrusive and reek of misogyny, the questions the OP was asked are in a different category (although I take the point about it perhaps being too early to ask them).

Ahhhh how tiresome. No, sorry. I’m not “hurt”. I was simply shocked at the poor level of boundaries displayed in many of the responses that the OP had received which were encouraging her to do the exact opposite of all advice about using OLD safely, safeguarding children, avoiding abusive men, how to identify a respectful and decent partner, etc., and to ignore all of the concerning signs that this man is hypocritical, disrespectful, lacking self-awareness, rude, evasive, and bad at communicating (at best), and at worst is showing many of the early red flags for an abuser. Hardly someone with whom posters should be encouraging her to go on a date.

He might not want to waste his time/effort/money on a date with a woman he would not be interested in!

Better to filter early rather than to meet up and get invested.

Meh - they are personal questions but understandable. Asking about whether your children live with you, you may have had children removed with good reason (red flag), they are living full time with another parent (I would be questioning why there was no care of children/relationship?), as well as possibly he may or may not want a certain level of involvement or children in his life (having them for the weekend is very different to full time, he might not want this). All not necessarily that unreasonable. And as to the relationship with ex - this can say a lot about your maturity and nature as to are you are able to manage this co parenting relationship, or if there are valid reasons for no contact with ex or difficult relationship than how is this managed. And are you also able to reflect if there are things you also could have done differently. And from a selfish perspective, he may not want the drama of a difficult ex or may want to assess is the relationship really over? All of which again not saying he has to do an interrogation but help give a sense of you and whether the relationship is something wants to continue with.

Exactly this.

I wouldn't date anyone with children, but if I were thinking about it then I'd definitely ask these questions.

Your huge over reactions are indeed tiresome 🤔

How does that read if the genders are reversed?

”Women knowing what they want and making sure they get it is hardly progressive”

Ridiculous. I see it as progressive in that it considers the impact on existing DCs of either partner and/or any potential future DCs.

I would definitely want to know the situation with any DC and co-parenting very early on. I wouldn't want to get involved with anyone who was dealing with conflict over a child if I'm honest, nor would I want to be involved with someone who wasn't committed to their child so I'd be asking questions to figure that out early to avoid wasting time.

We don't know if the guy the OP is talking to knows the age of her child or when the relationship with their father ended. These are similar questions to asking - How is the relationship with their father? Does your child live with you?

Going by what you have said on this thread these are all personal questions that are inappropiate. We do not know what the Ops dating profile says nor do we know what this guy has said on his profile.

I asked further questions once matched which is what I think this guy is doing with the OP.

'Deeply bizarre'? To ask a potential date/relationship if they have kids and get on with the other parent? Perfectly reasonable as far as I am concerned

If he’s someone who considers a walk or a coffee too expensive and effortful and that is his level of interest in the OP, and he feels entitled to her life story before he decides whether she is worthy of this, then this should make the decision very easy for her not to entertain meeting him. Who does he think he is, some kind of Adonis that she should have to convince that she is worthy of his time for a short introductory meeting in person? Some people here really need to raise their bar.

The cheek of it!

It’s astonishing that some women will entertain these entitled losers.

You are projecting so much into this. They’re re perfectly reasonable questions and ones I would ask. I don’t know how you leap to incapable of romance either 🤷‍♂️