To hate being asked this question in early dating

[yeahokayyythen]

I'm a single parent I've been split from my ex since my child was 4. We have a good co parenting relationship and he is and always has been very involved in his life and is a great dad.

I've recently started dating again currently been chatting to a guy for the last few days. Anyway he asked me last night if my child lived me.. I said yes of course and asked why. He then replied saying how he felt like it was a question he had to ask. I then asked why? Because I just felt like it was an odd question. And he then replied saying as he didn't want to assume anything that's all, then went on to say may I ask how things are with the dad. Am I being overly sensitive here thinking these are personal questions and find it odd how he's asking when he haven't even met up. I've had these kind of questions before and they really bug me.

It could be a red flag.
It could mean that he is a jealous type who might further down the line convince himself that your child's father is a threat to a new relationship.
Or it could be a green flag in that It could be that a good co parenting relationship is a positive sign to him.

He will give away which of these it is sooner rather than later. The way he speaks about his exes will obviously be telling too.

I could be wrong but I think the questions indicate that he is serious in wanting a committed relationship.

And it’s fairly reasonable to want to know what your relationship with your ex is like and how present he is on the scene.

However, I agree op, that it is probably a little early for this sort of inquisition. I would expect someone to raise it once you had met and you had been out together at least for a couple of weeks and when he had decided that he likes you and that there is potential in the relationship.

However, maybe he has had some surprises dating before and now doesn’t want to waste time? It’s not terribly romantic and possibly a indicates a tick-box approach, maybe a lack of flexibility? Or he has watched a misogynist influencer on You Tube who has the listed the top ten questions you need to ask on a date 😬

In your shoes I would take the opportunity to ask some probing questions yourself op! Or just smile and simply say; isn’t it a little early for this kind of conversation and see what he says?

Apart from the question about how you get on with your ex I think they are normal questions that would come up in any getting to know you conversations

But they've only been chatting a few days & haven't even met in person yet!

@yeahokayyythen

drop this one now, he's too weird!

Sounds like he has been on redpill sites.

I get asking if somebody has a kid, but asking if they live with you sounds like he will accept a kid as long as it is not around too much.

This is why I gave up on dating when my daughter was young as I hated having to explain my situation to strangers who I’d probably never even meet - I think they are fair enough questions tho, why waste time if dad wasn’t around and you never had a night off, he just wants to check that you get free time

Valid question.

I also think these are perfectly valid questions, if I was considering dating a man I sure as shit up front would wish to know if his kids lived with him or how often he saw them and if he had an amicable relationship with his ex.

I'll perfectly reasonable questions.

Helpful for you, OP, as ot saves his time if your circumstances don't suit him.

I think these are fair questions if somebody is dating with a view to a more serious relationship.

I get asking if somebody has a kid, but asking if they live with you sounds like he will accept a kid as long as it is not around too much.

Some people are not cut out or don't want to be step parents. Nothing wrong with that. Even better for OP to know that about him early on.

I've had friends whose sons wanted to stay with Dad, now with mums working full time, the assumption of the child living full time with the Mother, is very closed minded. The friends have no issues with their relationship with their, now, adult sons.
Then again, a Mother who has had a child taken into care, might be something their date wouldn't want anything to do with (likewise a father). It opens up the conversion around addiction, MH, or a failure to meet another person's needs. All valid for why you might not want to date someone.

I'd want to know. If anything happened to DH I wouldn't move due to DS's school and my job, but I'd also be 200 miles from family with no babysitter available. Anyone who wanted to date me would be in watching Netflix while DS was asleep! 😂

It would be weird for water cooler chat but he’s looking to date you. You are gonna get asked personal questions at some point 🤷‍♀️

I think they are normal questions. I wouldn’t want to get remotely involved with someone who had a bad relationship with the other parent of their child.

And isn't it better to find that out early on?

Perfectly reasonable questions to see who you live with and your parenting arrangements with your ex. Better he asks now and understands how things work than you find he is unhappy with them later.

Of course he wants to know and has a right to ask before deciding whether or not he would like to pursue a relationship with you. When I started dating as a separated parent, for example, my preference was for someone with only one or no children as I wasn't in a position to house a larger blended family etc having already got two kids of my own and working ft felt any more to "blend" would be unfair on the kids.
The man I eventually met that was my Mr Right (now married) didn't have any children of his own. We now have one together ❤️

Ridiculous.

Just like you’ll have your filtering questions eg you don’t want someone asking ‘nosy’ questions about your child and ex situation, he also has his filtering questions which include sussing out if there’s any friction, or battle about where your kids live.

Sensible guy 🤷‍♀️.

You’re right that the nearly stages are really dull and transactional. I always ask this to see if they have a relationship with their children. If they don’t I bin them.
If they have them overnight I need to know broadly when to see if it fits in with my free time. The number of men I’ve matched with who have the opposite free time to me is huge and makes it a non starter so I exit.
Perhaps he’s dated someone who doesn’t have custody of their kids and is rightly checking. This is not weird.

I think they are fair questions to ask to be honest, the answers might dictate whether he is interested or not so personally I’d rather know that from the off rather than spending weeks messaging/dating etc and then it’s time wasted.

There's no point in asking much later and then not liking the answers! Those are normal questions to ask, OP.

@Brightbluesomething When I met my now husband care of my sons was 50/50. Absolutely fair enough. Later it went my ex-husband having more care due to his million pound property vs my small rental (financial abuse) and other reasons of alienation etc. Does that make me a bad mum? Delighted my now-husband was not so close-minded as to think so 😀