Page 12 | To hate being asked this question in early dating

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/10/2025 08:43

but right now me personally I don't think I'd ask,

That's you, he thinks differently, which is ok.

I'd want to know as soon as possible as I've wasted time in the past with unfit fathers.
One had 4 kids, but omitted to say it was with 4 different mothers.

Another was divorced but still living with an ex girlfriend but again, because I hadn't asked specifically, he felt he hadn't lied.

There is such a thing as unfit mothers and abusive Exs on the scene. So best to find out early on as a child is a big commitment.

You say he was assuming then say it would be obvious she lived with you, how would it be obvious to him?

Sounds like you don't like him and are being annoyed by a normal question.

Bestlife18 · 04/10/2025 09:51

Ah I have been asked this so many times. Sometimes in early app texting and then they disappear when they realise my children predominantly live with me. It’s purely them trying to determine how much free time you will have. Does this person have kids? If not, I’d be highly inclined to walk away now before you get invested as it will become an issue.

Snakebite61 · 04/10/2025 14:25

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 11:25

I'm a single parent I've been split from my ex since my child was 4. We have a good co parenting relationship and he is and always has been very involved in his life and is a great dad.

I've recently started dating again currently been chatting to a guy for the last few days. Anyway he asked me last night if my child lived me.. I said yes of course and asked why. He then replied saying how he felt like it was a question he had to ask. I then asked why? Because I just felt like it was an odd question. And he then replied saying as he didn't want to assume anything that's all, then went on to say may I ask how things are with the dad. Am I being overly sensitive here thinking these are personal questions and find it odd how he's asking when he haven't even met up. I've had these kind of questions before and they really bug me.

Red flag, red flag.

Fionuala · 05/10/2025 10:19

I don't think it's odd
he needs to know basic facts to ascertain if there is any mileage in a relationship.

Tg4eva · 05/10/2025 10:32

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 11:25

I'm a single parent I've been split from my ex since my child was 4. We have a good co parenting relationship and he is and always has been very involved in his life and is a great dad.

I've recently started dating again currently been chatting to a guy for the last few days. Anyway he asked me last night if my child lived me.. I said yes of course and asked why. He then replied saying how he felt like it was a question he had to ask. I then asked why? Because I just felt like it was an odd question. And he then replied saying as he didn't want to assume anything that's all, then went on to say may I ask how things are with the dad. Am I being overly sensitive here thinking these are personal questions and find it odd how he's asking when he haven't even met up. I've had these kind of questions before and they really bug me.

I would raise alarm bells as alot sexal predators target mums with kids

Rootatoot · 05/10/2025 10:45

I would give him a miss. I don't like how he asked or how early. Others think it's ok, but clearly it doesn't sit right with you either so I would just not bother.

He sounds rather pompous. ..."had to ask". . He didn't have to. He wanted to. "May I ask about..." . Nah. It's the way he is putting it is giving me bad vibes.

If he'd said " So does your child live with you full time then?" Or " do you get on ok with your ex" ... Id find that direct but not off putting. The "I have to ask" etc ..smacks of a bit of self importance or something to me.

Alliod40 · 05/10/2025 10:54

Stay single girl..

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/10/2025 11:02

Perfectly normal questions. I wouldn’t want to date anyone who had children and only saw them once in a blue moon. It says a LOT about them as a person.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 05/10/2025 11:08

How, exactly is any of this a red flag?

So many people saying it's invasive questioning and far too early to want to know the answers to those sorts of questions.

I'm curious to know what kinds of things some of you might ask a guy in the early chats, before deciding to meet them in person or not.

Based on the responses on this thread I'm guessing none of you ever ask about where they live and who they live with? Whether they've ever been married or co-habited with anyone in the past? What there relationship history looks like? Whether they have kids if they haven't already mentioned that in their bio? What they do for a living? After all, that should be entirely irrelevant at this stage, right? But I bet you all ask.

MainframeMalfunction · 05/10/2025 11:41

Tg4eva · 05/10/2025 10:32

I would raise alarm bells as alot sexal predators target mums with kids

Show quote history

Exactly what I was pointing out earlier in the thread and got hounded for pointing out the red flags.

MainframeMalfunction · 05/10/2025 11:42

Snakebite61 · 04/10/2025 14:25

Red flag, red flag.

Show quote history

Exactly. 😬

MainframeMalfunction · 05/10/2025 11:43

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 05/10/2025 11:08

How, exactly is any of this a red flag?

So many people saying it's invasive questioning and far too early to want to know the answers to those sorts of questions.

I'm curious to know what kinds of things some of you might ask a guy in the early chats, before deciding to meet them in person or not.

Based on the responses on this thread I'm guessing none of you ever ask about where they live and who they live with? Whether they've ever been married or co-habited with anyone in the past? What there relationship history looks like? Whether they have kids if they haven't already mentioned that in their bio? What they do for a living? After all, that should be entirely irrelevant at this stage, right? But I bet you all ask.

Read the thread. The differences are huge between those kinds of questions and the ones this man asked and the manner in which he did so.

Bumdrops · 05/10/2025 11:48

I’d say this line of questioning should be mandatory !!! when relationships are starting and there are kids involved -
if single parents - of both sexes - put this much thought into what children are involved, what are the circumstances around the family,
how unstable or settled things are currently then maybe we wouldn’t have so many problems with step families / jealous partners etc etc
it seems all too often people crack on with new partners, without considering the impact on the kids, or the adults needing to accommodate other people’s kids, space, adequate time and provision for the existing kids …. And then they go and have more kids to add to the chaos -
I know it’s not always like this …. But not unusual

Widower2014 · 05/10/2025 11:50

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 11:25

I'm a single parent I've been split from my ex since my child was 4. We have a good co parenting relationship and he is and always has been very involved in his life and is a great dad.

I've recently started dating again currently been chatting to a guy for the last few days. Anyway he asked me last night if my child lived me.. I said yes of course and asked why. He then replied saying how he felt like it was a question he had to ask. I then asked why? Because I just felt like it was an odd question. And he then replied saying as he didn't want to assume anything that's all, then went on to say may I ask how things are with the dad. Am I being overly sensitive here thinking these are personal questions and find it odd how he's asking when he haven't even met up. I've had these kind of questions before and they really bug me.

As a single dad (widower of 11yrs) I have my kids 24*7, they are teenagers now but I know how hard it is trying to find time for things when the kids are young and finding baby sitters as in-laws had no interest in helping and my kids really didn't like being with people they didn't know well

Widower2014 · 05/10/2025 11:51

Does he have kids, don't es he see them ??

MainframeMalfunction · 05/10/2025 11:54

Bumdrops · 05/10/2025 11:48

I’d say this line of questioning should be mandatory !!! when relationships are starting and there are kids involved -
if single parents - of both sexes - put this much thought into what children are involved, what are the circumstances around the family,
how unstable or settled things are currently then maybe we wouldn’t have so many problems with step families / jealous partners etc etc
it seems all too often people crack on with new partners, without considering the impact on the kids, or the adults needing to accommodate other people’s kids, space, adequate time and provision for the existing kids …. And then they go and have more kids to add to the chaos -
I know it’s not always like this …. But not unusual

How disingenuous. Nobody is saying no thought should be put into it. That’s precisely why personal details like this should not be disclosed to strangers online whom you have never even met in person: safeguarding. This is the OP putting thought into it and the man in question clearly not doing so whatsoever, i.e. the opposite of what you imply. They’ve never even spoken on the telephone for goodness sake. Who would have such conversations about their children with a stranger via whatsapp?!

Of course such matters need careful consideration “when starting a relationship” but the OP and this man are both doing that. They have never even met!

MainframeMalfunction · 05/10/2025 11:55

Widower2014 · 05/10/2025 11:50

As a single dad (widower of 11yrs) I have my kids 24*7, they are teenagers now but I know how hard it is trying to find time for things when the kids are young and finding baby sitters as in-laws had no interest in helping and my kids really didn't like being with people they didn't know well

Show quote history

Presumably though the OP obviously would not have decided to look at dating if she didn’t have time and appropriate childcare arrangements in place enabling her to do so.

Bumdrops · 05/10/2025 12:03

MainframeMalfunction · 05/10/2025 11:54

How disingenuous. Nobody is saying no thought should be put into it. That’s precisely why personal details like this should not be disclosed to strangers online whom you have never even met in person: safeguarding. This is the OP putting thought into it and the man in question clearly not doing so whatsoever, i.e. the opposite of what you imply. They’ve never even spoken on the telephone for goodness sake. Who would have such conversations about their children with a stranger via whatsapp?!

Of course such matters need careful consideration “when starting a relationship” but the OP and this man are both doing that. They have never even met!

Show quote history

Disingenuous ?
if chatting online that is an interpersonal interaction, that likely both parties are checking each other out, wondering if they are a suitable enough fit to meet up get to know each better … blah blah ..
I stand by any adults thinking of a relationship to consider the impact of kids.
It’s not done enough
lets advocate for more consideration.
if there is a darker agenda for a blokes line of questioning…. Let’s not assume that is good reason to judge all adults asking about the issue of kids involved
if OP / anyone gets the sense of red flags - act accordingly-

Middlechild3 · 05/10/2025 12:13

I've asked similar of men with kids I've dated in the past. Simply because I would not want to get involved with someone with a ton of drama still going on with an ex. If they have agreed arrangements, are on good terms and coparent well all good.

Poodlelove · 05/10/2025 12:26

Maybe he dated someone before who went back to her husband , and to save his feelings told him that she went back to him because of their child.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 05/10/2025 14:30

MainframeMalfunction · 05/10/2025 11:43

Read the thread. The differences are huge between those kinds of questions and the ones this man asked and the manner in which he did so.

Edited

Show quote history

I have read the thread. I disagree that the differences are huge. I think there is very little difference at all. I am asking you why you think it's a red flag to ask a woman with children what the co-parenting situation is like.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 05/10/2025 14:31

Bumdrops · 05/10/2025 12:03

Disingenuous ?
if chatting online that is an interpersonal interaction, that likely both parties are checking each other out, wondering if they are a suitable enough fit to meet up get to know each better … blah blah ..
I stand by any adults thinking of a relationship to consider the impact of kids.
It’s not done enough
lets advocate for more consideration.
if there is a darker agenda for a blokes line of questioning…. Let’s not assume that is good reason to judge all adults asking about the issue of kids involved
if OP / anyone gets the sense of red flags - act accordingly-

Show quote history

Completely agree.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 05/10/2025 14:35

I genuinely didn’t think anything weird when I read his question . I thought it sounded like he was wondering if you’d have flexibility etc during the week if you didn’t have your child with you then. Or, perhaps, will he be able to come over midweek. I think someone replying that it sounds like he’s got an interest in your child is a bit sad, really. (The poster isn’t sad, just it’s sad we have to be so wary around children, is what I mean).

MummaMummaMumma · 05/10/2025 15:05

I don't think there's anything wrong or weird with what has asked.
He probably doesn't want to waste your time, if for example he would not want to get involved if dad was not on the scene at all.

MainframeMalfunction · 05/10/2025 21:47

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 05/10/2025 14:30

I have read the thread. I disagree that the differences are huge. I think there is very little difference at all. I am asking you why you think it's a red flag to ask a woman with children what the co-parenting situation is like.

Show quote history

If you are asking me that you clearly have not read the thread because I and other posters have explained this already.