To hate being asked this question in early dating

[yeahokayyythen]

I'm a single parent I've been split from my ex since my child was 4. We have a good co parenting relationship and he is and always has been very involved in his life and is a great dad.

I've recently started dating again currently been chatting to a guy for the last few days. Anyway he asked me last night if my child lived me.. I said yes of course and asked why. He then replied saying how he felt like it was a question he had to ask. I then asked why? Because I just felt like it was an odd question. And he then replied saying as he didn't want to assume anything that's all, then went on to say may I ask how things are with the dad. Am I being overly sensitive here thinking these are personal questions and find it odd how he's asking when he haven't even met up. I've had these kind of questions before and they really bug me.

He didn’t ask about childcare arrangements of how much of the time her children are with her due to logistical concerns about dating (which presumably if she is dating she will already have made arrangements for). He asked “how’s the relationship with the Dad?”. That’s an entirely different question. He was then evasive when asked why he was asking these intrusive personal questions which are none of his business, so apparently this expectation of transparency about personal matters is expected to be provided to a complete stranger and yet that stranger can’t even be expected to be transparent about why they were asking these question in the first place. Yes, sure, it really seems to be about “open communication”. 🤨😆

OP: definitely throw this one back.

I imagine you’ve never been OLD? The amount of time wasters and shaggers you have to weed out quickly and ruthlessly is staggering.

and anyway “have you got kids?” is a perfectly reasonable question to ask someone who’s chatting you up in a bar. Why would it be personal?

I am being “tetchy” about it because, like I said, the specific questions this man asked, the way he phrased them, the context in which he has done so (before they have even met) and the fact that he refused to explain why he was asking these things, are all totally inappropriate and red flags of such huge proportions that the Chinese government would be proud of them.

That isn’t what he asked.

I think they're fair question and I think it's better they want to know what's going on. Of course it's important to know if you have a child living with you full time and he may have concerns which made him ask the question about the dad. You don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable.

A valid question of someone you’re dating. Not a valid question whatsoever to ask a stranger who you have yet to meet at all for a first date.

OP, you're over reacting to what is a perfectly reasonable question to ask.

If the answer to that would dictate whether you would even be interested in a first date, or even continuing to chat, then it’s a perfectly valid question :)

Irrelevant to even consider given that they may meet and either of them decide within a minute that there is no spark or compatibility. People are hardly going to disclose their life stories and details of family arrangements / relationships with ex partners/ details of their children’s lives to a total stranger on the internet that they’ve never met in person at all. Anybody who would seek to make someone divulge this information - especially given the OP’s responses made it quite clear that she was not comfortable doing so - has no respect for normal boundaries, has poor manners, and should have the self-awareness to know that such behaviour is a hallmark of abusers so would instantly result in them being blocked. Many abusers do know this which is precisely why they do this - it saves them time as it is an easy test to identify women with poor boundaries who will be susceptible to abuse.

Sounds like he's had a past experience with a woman who has had a difficult experience and doesn't want to waste his time if that is the case here. Sensible imo.

Normal questions. When I was online dating a learned to ask these. They helped me understand them and their home life, plus if out values match. Had guys be horrible about the mother of their child and that was off putting. Found out others are not a present parent. Also how I would fit in their life.

I learned as I had a rather unfortunate situation. A guy I had quite a few dates with had an alcoholic ex. His child didn’t want to live with the mum. Child ended up in hospital, I drive him there. Alcoholic ex turned up and turns out child lived with him. All fine but he didn’t have head space for a relationship but was trying.

would of appreciated honesty here.

What’s ‘prurient’ about asking a question about someone’s child ffs? It’s literally the most important thing in any person’s life, and there would be no point asking for a second date with someone if their living situation with their child / co-parenting arrangements were a dealbreaker.

Never in a million years would I date a man whose child lived with him, and I wouldn’t want to date someone whose co-parenting arrangement made me uncomfortable. A set-up where someone, eg, still takes their kids on family days out with their ex all the time probably wouldn’t work for me, for example. So better to understand that early on rather than waste everyone’s time.

He wants to make sure he isn't walking into a hostile situation with a volatile ex. I'd want to ask the same tbh. No sense getting emotionally invested until you know they don't have legal ties to some jealous nutter.

Of course it matters. A relationship with someone with a child full time is going to be very different than with someone who sees their children every other weekend, and the person asking the question has every right to clarify the situation.

Some people (in fact quite a lot of people!) wouldn't want to go in and be full time step dad, but that doesn't mean they couldn't get to know the kids and be friendly and welcoming if they visit every so often. The situations are so very different.

@MainframeMalfunction really intrusive, inappropriate and in some cases will be an indicator of very bad intentions. At best, he is ill-mannered, rude, socially inept and incapable of any type of romance, and that’s the best case scenario.

This must have struck a cord with you, my goodness! Such a strong reaction over someone you have never met. Incapable of any type of romance...who hurt you like that??

He shouldn’t be asking you such personal questions at this stage.

It’s absolutely none of his beeswax.

This thread is reminding of a man I matched with on a dating app that said he has children on his profile. I asked him the ages of his children and the youngest was 9 months old at the time. This raised my eyebrow and I asked - Your youngest is very young, What happened with the relationship with their mother for him to no longer be with her?

When I sent that message I knew I wouldn't be meeting up with him but I asked as I was being nosey. He unmatched with me so I never got an answer to my question.

@ MainframeMalfunction - I suppose you would say I overstepped a boundary / I wasn't polite. But asking this saved me wasting my time with a deadbeat, in my view.

I think these questions are pretty normal. I'd be interested in how the coparenting relationship it's for someone I was getting to know

But the point is that there would be no point in wasting the time on a first date if the answer to those questions makes it an instant no, hope that helps you :)

"may I ask how are things with the dad". - Means I really dont want to get involved if there is drama there which is absolutely OK to ask IMO

Nope, it's absolutely fair and logical for him to figure this stuff out early before he commits any time into the relationship. No point at all in turning up for even a single date if there are vast incompatibilities. Far better to talk about such hugely important things before wasting anyone's time.

Get used to being asked these sorts of questions.

I'm a single mum dating and I guess everyone's got their ideas in their head. I ask guys those questions who have kids as I don't actually mind if the child is with them 100% of the time but I do mind if they don't bother with their children or have a complicated co-parenting situation. My ex has no involvement and my parents help out a lot so I actually am quite free to move around as I want. I don't want to be tied to someone else's ex when I'm not in the same situation especially as I'd like more children.

Totally normal questions and i’d consider it a major red flag if a guy was evasive about answering them

A woman would ask exactly those questions.

Perhaps he was concerned about what problems he might encounter if he and the OP were to become serious.

A manipulative, cruel, toxic ex partner is not something I would ever get involved with.

That is a very different situation. The OP’s children aren’t 9 months old as far as she’s said. In the situation you described, he had divulged information to you that was a red flag, i.e. he has a tiny baby and has already left the mother, and instead of focusing on stabilising this situation and acting in the best interests of the child he was signing up to a dating app! Therefore, understandably, you hightlighted this and decided not to meet him.

Nothing the OP has said to this potential date is a red flag. He, however, started interrogating her about personal matters which are absolutely not his business and would not be appropriate for her to disclose to a stranger she has never met, demonstrating his lack of manners, respect and appropriate behaviour; he then continued to do so when she made it clear this made her uncomfortable which demonstrates his lack of respect for boundaries and that he is happy to make women feel uncomfortable, even in the early stages of meeting someone when he should be showing his “best self”; and then when she questioned why he was being so persistent with his interrogation about this he was evasive and refused to provide a reason (i.e. this isn’t somebody who just has no filter and is very open and expects that also from others, but a hypocrite with double standards who thinks they can make unteasonable demands on others and not even comply with smaller requests in return).

It has red flags all over it, as I’ve said.

OP has no idea who this man is in reality. She’s never met him. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 The idea that the OP should be disclosing anything personal to him about her children or past relationships before even meeting him is ridiculous.