To hate being asked this question in early dating

[yeahokayyythen]

I'm a single parent I've been split from my ex since my child was 4. We have a good co parenting relationship and he is and always has been very involved in his life and is a great dad.

I've recently started dating again currently been chatting to a guy for the last few days. Anyway he asked me last night if my child lived me.. I said yes of course and asked why. He then replied saying how he felt like it was a question he had to ask. I then asked why? Because I just felt like it was an odd question. And he then replied saying as he didn't want to assume anything that's all, then went on to say may I ask how things are with the dad. Am I being overly sensitive here thinking these are personal questions and find it odd how he's asking when he haven't even met up. I've had these kind of questions before and they really bug me.

These are very intrusive questions and are very personal matters and not something that would be appropriate to discuss with a stranger you have not even met. It’s incredibly rude and invasive for him to be asking such questions of someone he hasn’t even met!

Why would he think you’d be prepared to share personal family details with a total stranger on the internet?

At best it shows a lack of manners and awareness of appropriate behaviour. If this is how he behaves to someone he is potentially looking to date and should be trying to impress with what a wonderful man and a good catch he is then it’s extremely unimpressive and you should obviously not meet up with him or pursue this further.

At worst it is well established that there are men who try to prey on single mothers because they either (mistakenly) believe these women are weak and good targets for abuse or they are paedophiles and want to abuse their children. His specific interest in whether the children’s father is involved is a red flag of enormous proportions because such an abuser would be very keen to establish that there would be no man around to identify and prevent their abuse and beat the hell out of them for it.

There’s no conceivable legitimate reason for someone you’ve never met in person even once to be expecting you to disclose such things to them. It’s also potentially an early test of your boundaries and whether you’d be the kind of easy target for abuse that such men are trying to identify.

In short: avoid this man like the plague and block him immediately.

@MainframeMalfunction Conversely, I'd have binned a man who showed no interest in asking about my kids. And it does matter how much they are with her - changes dating, free time etc, no?

I think some have been through strange dating situations where it's gone wrong for whatever reason so they are being cautious.

Bit weird to ask specifically whether the kids live with you

You'd just assume and go about your day

And why assume that children live with mum the majority? Mine didn't and I am Mum. And most Dads don't.

Seems sensible to ask these questions very early for all reasons mentioned already.

Maybe he’s been there before so being cautious, does he have kids or is wanting them maybe ? How old is he ?

@MainframeMalfunction There’s no conceivable legitimate reason for someone you’ve never met in person even once to be expecting you to disclose such things to them.
But the legitimate reason is OP is looking to date him? He is not someone she is trying to avoid, she is looking to get to know him and the same for him. How do you suggest they do that without asking questions about their families? These are some of the first things people do when wanting to know more about the other person. Following your advice she'd need to be blocking anyone who asks her a family question. How would she find someone to date?

It absolutely is intrusive. This man has never even met you! Why would you want to go on a date with someone who is trying to interrogate you about very personal matters concerning your children before you’ve ever even met them?!

It’s totally inappropriate and a HUGE red flag. I’d run a mile if I was you. 🏃🏼‍♀️

These are things that might be discussed in person after 3 or 4 dates but at this stage this man should be trying to convince you that he’s good enough for you to date, trying to establish some connection or rapport, actually convince you he is worth meeting!!

There is no universe in which it would be appropriate for you to be discussing childcare/ residency arrangements/ your relationship with your ex with someone you’ve never even met. Imagine disclosing such stuff to some random guy on the internet who could be anybody, who you might meet for a coffee and decide after ten minutes that you have nothing in common with him! It’s a crazy notion and only somebody with very poor boundaries would go along with it, which I suspect was his intention in asking this question because nobody with any manners or respect or appropriate boundaries themselves would do so at this point.

It's not like he asked it before starting a conversation, theyve been talking for days already. Why waste time meeting up if the answer was "no my parents have custody" or "his dad's awful, he harasses me and turns up at the house threatening me about if I start dating again" or something similar, and that would be a complete deal breaker.

@everychildmatters that’s quite a lot of reading into things that aren’t being said.
My personal choice is not to date men who don’t have a relationship with their children. Or men who’d never have the same free time to see me.
How you extrapolate this to judging you is bonkers.

“Asking about your kids” is very different to what this man has done.

And he has not even met the OP!! At this point he’s just a person on the internet. It’s not like they’re considering a relationship with each other, they have never even met.

This is an enormous red flag in terms of safeguarding and hardly the way to go about seducing someone and convincing them that you’re worth dating…

Would you go on 3 or 4 dates before asking if someone has a job or is long term unemployed, or if they have a home or are living with their parents? A child is a major lifestyle aspect, there's no point in dating someone 3 or 4 times before asking basic questions that would potentially be deal breakers but can easily be answered.

They're not "very personal matters", they're basic questions about the OP's life situation and logistics and general availability. They're need-to-knows for anyone who's dating and no one wants to waste time on 3 or 4 dates if the answers mean you're incompatible.

They both need to convince each other they're worth meeting and these questions are key to that.

You are being sensitive, they are normal questions, and he may have his reasons for asking. If I started dating again and the man had kids I’d ask because there’s no way I’d be able to date a deadbeat dad who didn’t see his own kids, it’s just not attractive to me.

They have never even met each other. They are both looking to find people to date, and considering each other as a possible option. So, meet for a coffee and see if there is any chemistry or attraction or compatibility. Then if both people wish to pursue it further dates will happen where such conversations might be appropriate. To ask people you’ve never even met such personal details about their past relationships and children is really intrusive, inappropriate and in some cases will be an indicator of very bad intentions. At best, he is ill-mannered, rude, socially inept and incapable of any type of romance, and that’s the best case scenario. A hard “no” and block.

Those seem like pretty sensible questions..you can tell a lot about a person by how they talk about their ex and if someone has barely any free time for dating because their kids are keeping them so busy (which is very valid) maybe he wants to know about it before he meets anyone because why meet up if you're never going to be compatible due to something that fundamental?

Totally normal questions which to be honest i think need speaking about before getting into a relationship. Better to be aware of what each others availability is and know expectations and he may be wanting to know if there’s issues with ex that would maybe cause issues or him constantly hearing X done this/that etc

This is an enormous red flag in terms of safeguarding and hardly the way to go about seducing someone and convincing them that you’re worth dating…

So he's supposed to 'seduce' a oman he's never met. But he's not allowed to ask her anything about herself? He has to make every conversation about himself, because anything about her is off limits? Is she supposed to do the same? Because most relationships involve two people. Is she not supposed to make herself appear attractive to him too? Or is this purely transactional and everything falls to him?

You have a very, very strange way of looking at dating.

Stick to dating mind readers and those that have no interest in your life whatsoever in future. Good luck.

Again, they’ve not even met each other for a coffee or a walk. Quite disturbing that anybody would be fantasising about the logistics of a serious relationship with somebody they haven’t even met for 10 minutes yet.

People with good boundaries aren’t going to be prepared to discuss very personal matters with random strangers on the internet. If they met and both wanted to pursue things then such conversations might be justified but absolutely not before even meeting in person! Totally inappropriate. Are people expected to give their life story and personal information about their children to people online who could be anybody? Ever heard of catfishing?

These are classic signs that somebody might be an abuser. Anybody with any self-awareness would know this and absolutely not behave in this manner. This man should be trying to impress her at this stage and convince her he’s worth meeting and going on a date with, not interrogating her about private family information!

OP - don’t pursue this. He’s either ill-mannered and rude and has no care about safeguarding children appropriately, or he is making clear that he’ll make unteasonable demands like a giant baby and make a huge fuss that you’ll prioritise children over him, or he is actually an abuser and is either trying to make you feel inferior and like you should feel grateful he’ll “put up with” you having children or he’s testing you for poor boundaries and potential to abuse your children.

Some of these possibilities are far worse than others but at least one of them is the case so at best his behaviour is absurd, disrespectful and rude. His avoidance of your questions about why he was asking also speaks volumes: you’re expected to disclose personal information but he doesn’t even have to explain why he was asking for it, apparently?

There’s a reason why this man is single.

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No, he’s meant to go on a date with her and behave like a respectful and decent and polite human and try to convince her he’s worth a second date before starting to interrogate her about private matters which are none of his business at present because they are complete strangers and there may be no connection or chemistry between them at all if they met.

Do you usually give detailed information about your family and children to random men you’ve not met in person? Is interrogating someone about this what you consider to be normal behaviour when asking someone out on a first date?!

But the point you seem to be missing is that depending on the answers to those questions he may not think she is even “worth” one date, why waste time meeting up with someone if their life is fundamentally incompatible with yours and you can find that out from day 1?

Sounds like he’s very interested in you and trying to preempt any issues and generally get the lay of the land.