To hate being asked this question in early dating

[yeahokayyythen]

I'm a single parent I've been split from my ex since my child was 4. We have a good co parenting relationship and he is and always has been very involved in his life and is a great dad.

I've recently started dating again currently been chatting to a guy for the last few days. Anyway he asked me last night if my child lived me.. I said yes of course and asked why. He then replied saying how he felt like it was a question he had to ask. I then asked why? Because I just felt like it was an odd question. And he then replied saying as he didn't want to assume anything that's all, then went on to say may I ask how things are with the dad. Am I being overly sensitive here thinking these are personal questions and find it odd how he's asking when he haven't even met up. I've had these kind of questions before and they really bug me.

They are not “getting into a relationship”.

They have not ever even met each other.

These replies are completely 🦇💩

Why would he need to ask what her children’s relationship with their father is like in order to determine if they are compatible?

The OP said he asked how 'Her' relationship is with the father of her child/ren - Not how the child/ren get along with their dad.

As in, do you guys get along well co-parenting? Valid question to me as I would ask the same.

I'm 25 years married, so no I don't. But I don't see any harm in telling anyone how many kids I have. I don't see that as a personal question. And if I was dating, I would think "do they live with me full time" as a perfectly reasonable follow-up question. And again, if I'm dating, I thin asking about relationships with the other parent is valid. I, and most of the people responding, don't think that these are incredibly intrusive questions the way that you do.

Yes this. I would want to know these things at the beginning not have potential family baggage/issues unfolding in the future. What on earth is wrong with wanting to know the score from the outset?

Maybe he meant that he didn’t want to make assumptions about anything rather than just about the child. I think it’s sensible to ask at the beginning as he may be someone who wouldn’t be interested in getting to know someone with a child - best to know at the start
Also as far as asking about the dad ex partners can be like an intrusive third wheel- you only have to read some of the threads on here - some of them do nothing at all and with others they are over involved with every part of what their former partner is doing

I’d ask a guy with kids these types of questions. It’d help me identify if there’s a dealbreaker in which case no point for us to meet up. Otherwise it’s a waste of everyone’s time.

Yes you do!!! Better to ask before you meet up in case the answer would make you not want to go forward

She’s told him she has children.

His detailed and interogatory questions about this to a total stranger he has not even met are more akin to “how much do you earn?” than “what do you do for a living?”.

They are more akin to “how much is your house worth and how much is outstanding on your mortgage?” than “where do you live? Do you rent or own your house?”

Such intrusive and inappropriate questions of someone who is still a complete stranger generally are very revealing or nefarious intentions.

I’d say it’s fairly usual. The natural assumption would be for a child to live with their mother full time but it isn’t always the case, some people split custody 50:50 too. I think he just wanted to know how often you have your child so he knows how much free time you’d have available to see him.

Have you not seen the hundreds of threads on here about relationships with ex’s having huge impacts on new relationships?!

It would make a big difference to me if I were to be single now and dating!

Surely they are communicating with each other to see if there is potential in starting to date, and not just to pass the time.

Because your childcare and Co parenting arrangements will have a massive impact on your ability to be flexible with dates etc. it’s a perfectly reasonable question.

And I think he probably doesn’t want the drama of someone who is constantly at loggerheads with their ex.

And why Is it “personal”. Surely everyone you know knows you have a child living with you. It’s hardly a state secret is it?

They are probably not questions a “shag and go person would ask”.
Whatever his intention it’s not going to work if being asked about your life makes you uncomfortable

You seem to be taking it very personally, have you had this yourself?

Personally I would not want a relationship with someone whose children weren’t adult. I don’t see the problem in asking questions pertaining to child status and dynamics from the outset.

Imagine how well that’d go if you met someone in person rather than through an app initially and tried to strike up a conversation and ask them on a date.

People seem to think that if you communicate via the internet you can cross all social boundaries of manners and polite behaviour and somehow it will be acceptable. It isn’t. And if people behave in this manner then they can’t be surprised that others conclude they are at best very rude and socially incapable, and at worst are people who are abusive and trying to test acceptable boundaries of behaviour deliberately before even meeting somebody and therefore should be avoided like the plague.

I think they are really personal questions and I can understand why you are sensitive about them, but at the same time this is a situation where you are considering being in an intimate relationship with each other. I think they are fair questions- I'd def want to know this about a man I was dating.

I hope dating is going well apart from this.

I think they are valid questions and in future (due to issues previously) I will ask these to men I meet (if i ever dare dip my toes back in !)

Amicable means a lot and likely to mean the ex will not cause trouble for you both moving forward (possibly more flexible too with arrangements etc - this is the case with my ex and me )

The living arrangements again is important - I have dated 3 guys who had far from ideal childcare arrangements (from a relationship point of view ) :

1. Single dad to 4 year old(no family nearby) - the mum had the boy one day a week 9am-3pm . This meant all dates were at his house - the odd babysitter could allow us to go out although the child had difficulties being left .
2. A guy had a 10 year old with ASD - he had his daughter every Friday and Sunday (worked alternative Saturdays too)
3. A guy had a 15 year old son with undiagnosed ASD every Saturday overnight. I suggested he did alternative weekends but he stated the boy was very rigid and could not deviate.

I would never expect a dad to choose me over their child therefore the relationships didn't really materialise.

Maybe this guy has expereinced similar issues and does not want to get hurt again.
I deffo feel this !
All the best

I think normal too, and perhaps he's had experience of finding out a woman's situation until later. And I guess the difference between a child living with you 7 or 12 days a fortnight, for example, is pretty big.

Hahaaa no. I have no need to be dating.

Did he say “how many baby daddies do you have if you don’t mind me asking?”

Baby daddies....

love this term :)

Unless dating has changed remarkably in recent years, I'd expect that most conversations would involve various "personal questions", as part of the experience is/was meant to involve getting to know the person.

Simple questions relating to basic living arrangements (do you live alone? etc) don't seem very intrusive to me, and just give an idea of what sort of life the person is leading.

So why are you being so tetchy about it. I have kids myself but they are adult, my days of dealing with other people’s young children are over so I would be asking questions too.

Sorry I'll reply properly shortly. The bit I found personal was the "may I ask how are things with the dad".