AIBU to leave my partner if he doesn’t put his divorce through

[lamumhere]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half. He told me he was still legally married to his ex, after a couple of weeks of being together. At that point I said he would need to get divorced soon because I don’t want to carry on a relationship with someone who is still legally married
theyve been split for 7 years and they have kids together who live with him full time.
I’ve met them, been to his house loads etc so there is no worry that he’s still with her and pretending not to be.
he keeps saying “ i will put the divorce through” has said it for the last year, it’s always, “I’ll do it at the end of next month”
ive explained what it means to me over and over and he knows i wont wait forever. He says it’s the financial cost that stops him.

it’s not that I’m desperate to marry him, it’s just that I hate the thought he is still tied to her.

so am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that he isn’t putting it through, and would you leave someone if they didn’t do it soon?

The devil is in the detail

does he see her? Have any kind of relationship with her?

He has children with her
he will always be “tied to her”

He never sees her, kids get dropped off to a friend, where she then collects from
doesn’t speak to her, only texts about timings for collecting and drop off

Kids are teenagers

Any financial links?

no financial links

If you’re considering ending an 18 month relationship over this, it’s circling the drain anyway.

So go for it 🤷‍♀️

Yanbu. Seven years is plenty of time to get a divorce. I wouldnt be with someone legally married what if you move in etc etc and he passes away? All would go to the ex.

Why haven’t they got divorced ? Very strange .
this happened to me a friend of mine , she lived with a guy , had child with him , but he was still legally married . Unfortunately he died suddenly and the wife got everything as no will and she was legal next of kin ! Slightly different circumstances of course but YANBU ,
I would want him divorced too .

What’s financial costs? She will be his next if kin whilst they remainmarried
for his kids sake her may want to update his will if he doesn’t want to divorce

She actually fradulently used his details to open an account and got him in loads of debt. So the sooner he loses marital ties the better for him

If you see a future with him then him being married still would be a deal breaker. I wouldn’t want to build something with someone who was still financially tied to an ex. He will always have a tie to get through the kids but it’s the lack of financial separation that would trouble me.

I would need him to get divorced asap

Yes I’ve said i won’t get engaged or move in with him till he is legally divorced, I’m not going down that road. But also yes if he had an accident or something, I’m sure she is also his next of kin legally and would be first to hear anything.

Has he even asked you to marry him?

This version presumably all came from him?

Sorry just read you said it’s financial ,
well if they both agree to settle and not fight for houses/ pensions it can be done reasonably cheaply , prob less than £500 ( although I’m not an expert but easily googled )

this is it, he hates her, but obviously she’d be entitled to everything. You would think he would want to end this quickly
also it’s not like he’s staying to inherit from her, she’s on very low paid job part time, has no assets

How much does a divorce cost these days? I had one - the "we've been separated for 2 years kind" 24 years ago and I don't recall the relative cost being that much.

Yea this does worry me

Very true, yes I have absolutely no idea of her side of things.

This issue aside… other issues I suspect. Basically a bit of an unhappy relationship generally?

you have kids?

I think it’s around £700. So nothing in the grand scheme of things

If it’s a dealbreaker for you then he must decide what he wants more - to keep your relationship and deal with the divorce or to not bother and end the relationship.

Maybe for some people it wouldn’t matter, but it does matter to you and you’re entitled to enforce that boundary by giving an ultimatum.

No, I absolutely love him and have never been treated better.
no kids between us, and I don’t want more children.