AIBU to leave my partner if he doesn’t put his divorce through

[lamumhere]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half. He told me he was still legally married to his ex, after a couple of weeks of being together. At that point I said he would need to get divorced soon because I don’t want to carry on a relationship with someone who is still legally married
theyve been split for 7 years and they have kids together who live with him full time.
I’ve met them, been to his house loads etc so there is no worry that he’s still with her and pretending not to be.
he keeps saying “ i will put the divorce through” has said it for the last year, it’s always, “I’ll do it at the end of next month”
ive explained what it means to me over and over and he knows i wont wait forever. He says it’s the financial cost that stops him.

it’s not that I’m desperate to marry him, it’s just that I hate the thought he is still tied to her.

so am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that he isn’t putting it through, and would you leave someone if they didn’t do it soon?

What do you get out of the relationship?
If you want to get married or have kids you are wasting your time with him.

(deleted - my point had already been raised/addressed)

I was about to write about a consent order too. People think getting divorced is enough to cut ties but it really isn't!

Your previous post

no financial links

isn't accurate though, because she is able to create financial links by fraudulently using his details and presumably forging his signature to take out loans, and they are still legally married so he doesn't have a leg to stand on,

presumably you moved into his house, if he's living there with his kids? Id move out, his situation is far from straight forward and he may continue to prevaricate over the divorce because it's messy and uncomfortable to go through that legal process when the easier alternative is to do nothing.

How quaintly old-fashioned.

you do realise that means nothing and he's taking you for a fool.

Snap! Easily done after couple of years as long as each party agrees

I wouldn't get engaged to someone or move in with them if they were still married to someone else but I wouldn't be in a rush to blend families either.

If he is a nice guy, treats you well generally, and you are financially secure in your own right, and have no burning desire to move in/get married/have more children, then there is a lot to be said for continuing the relationship as it is.

But I do completely get why him dragging his heels over getting divorced is an issue. And I certainly wouldn't be entering into any commitments with him while he still was married.

Although, playing devil's advocate here, I also was a bit reluctant about getting divorced - admittedly I hadn't considered the financial implications mentioned here - and it was nothing to do with wanting him back or anything like that, it was an internal feeling of failure and I did feel a bit like a castaway when it finally went through. I got over it, it was irrational, but sometimes you can't help it.

He is a bit…. Thick.

Imagine suggesting to someone you get engaged when you’re already married and have made no inroads to divorcing.

Very odd person

He's also someone else's husband.

I would just move on, this guy is either thick, sly or passive to an extreme. I couldn't be bothered with ultimatums or trying to cajole him into action.

Thing is, you crossed your own (perfectly sensible) boundary.

"I don’t want to carry on a relationship with someone who is still legally married". And yet here you are.

Boundaries are not words designed to control another person's actions. They are guidelines as to what you will and won't accept in your life, and are enforced by your own actions. If you don't want to be with someone who is still legally married, you leave them.

He knows you don't really mean what you say, because you demonstrate it every day.

I think a combo of all three!

I dont believe you are insecure. There is no good reason for not getting divorced if you want to marry someone new. Is his plan to be engaged for ever? Or become a bigamist?

It doesn't make sense. If he truly valued your relationship he would not be asking you to take all the risk and make all rhe concessions.

Don’t end up being the place marker girlfriend OP!

Op this is a slow moving car crash.

I can tell you why as hes a control freek and the kids live with him so he doesnt have to pay maintenance, and he probably owns the house he lives in and if he divorces her he will have to sell the house and give her half and over his dead body will he do that..hes one huge red flag, any man that says horrible things about his ex is a red flag, im sure everything hes telling u is not true and his ex would have a completely different version

Whilst I agree with the sentiment

he’s not a home earner and never appears to have been

and the debt his ex supposedly secured in her name? Nah, that was his debt and he was telling the Op porkies

An amicable divorce would cost £700. A contested one can cost thousands, easily, even tens of thousands depending on how difficult the other person wants to make it. And from what you’ve said about her behaviour, there’s no reason to suggest she’d make it easy for him.

He’s probably dreading the stress and trying to put it off in the hope it will get easier in the future. Of course it won’t and he’ll have to pay that cost eventually so it’s not like he’s saving anything in the long run.

Agree divorce can be very expensive. I know a ex couple that didn’t divorce for 20 odd years due to the cost and both living with other partners.

I’d feel embarrassed being with a dumbass like this.

Talking about getting engaged but still married;
making out his ex got him in to debt (bull shit, he did this all by himself);
and I would hedge a bet he doesn’t have two pennies to rub together so can’t afford the fee to divorce.

OP do yourself (and more importantly your children) a favour - and save yourself from this mess.

Sadly, October will come and go and you will still be with him.

Op hope your OK , did you ever dicuss the msgs with him

I would be wary of a man who says he hates the mother of his children, regardless of what has gone on. He clearly didn’t hate her when he had two DC, and hate is a strong word, which suggests he had not put the work in to come to terms with whatever has gone on and understand it.

@lamumhere did he start the divorce? Just curious now some time has passed.

.

You don't know if what he says is true. Lots of men lie / fabricate / exaggerate about their ex's behaviour to get their new partner 'on side'. They've been separated 7 years! A mutual divorce after this long is easy peasy & can be done online. Best of luck 💐