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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave my partner if he doesn’t put his divorce through

155 replies

lamumhere · 02/10/2025 11:01

Hi I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half. He told me he was still legally married to his ex, after a couple of weeks of being together. At that point I said he would need to get divorced soon because I don’t want to carry on a relationship with someone who is still legally married
theyve been split for 7 years and they have kids together who live with him full time.
I’ve met them, been to his house loads etc so there is no worry that he’s still with her and pretending not to be.
he keeps saying “ i will put the divorce through” has said it for the last year, it’s always, “I’ll do it at the end of next month”
ive explained what it means to me over and over and he knows i wont wait forever. He says it’s the financial cost that stops him.

it’s not that I’m desperate to marry him, it’s just that I hate the thought he is still tied to her.

so am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that he isn’t putting it through, and would you leave someone if they didn’t do it soon?

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 02/10/2025 14:48

I wouldn't even start a relationship with someone who was married, so you're not unreasonable to expect him to divorce if he wants to stay in a relationship with you. You would be a fool to stick around. You're just his gf and can't be anything more unless he gets a divorce.

Right now, she has all the legal rights that marriage gives. She is his next of kin. If he was incapacitated, she would be make health care decisions. She could expect his estate if he died.

I don't think he's lazy. I think he doesn't want to give her the financial settlement she'd be entitled to.

jsku · 02/10/2025 14:53

ClawedButler · 02/10/2025 14:45

Have to disagree, @jsku , we shouldn't be afraid to stand up and say what we mean and what we want. Shy little 'jokes' about being engaged before you retire just comes off as passive-aggressive, and would wear thin very quickly.

It doesn't have to be an imperious ultimatum. OP doesn't have to force him to do anything. She can just state, clearly and in a healthy, adult way, what her expectations are: a partner who is actually free to be with her, properly. It's not too much to ask, and he can decide what matters to him more and what he wants to do.

Yes - in a black and white world this is exactly how people act. There is nothing ‘adult’ in ultimatums, you can call it marking of boundaries, but it is an ultimatum nevertheless.

And OP herself admitted that her need for him to divorce is driven by insecurity, not some moral stance. If she had a philosophical issue with him being married - she’d not entered into the relationship, or left when she found out he was still married.

I know people who don’t divorce for years for a variety of logistical/practical reasons. And they have normal and solid relationships. Takes a secure partner to be in a relationship with them.

I do not see the need to force and rush. And there is nothing passive aggressive in gentle nudging - and joking about it IF you are really not doubting your partner’s commitment.

Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 14:56

lamumhere · 02/10/2025 11:17

i have a teen and 2 younger children

Show quote history

Then why not just date and have fun with this man??

Why on earth the need to blend / mangle with him and his two teens.

So frustrating

Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 14:57

So he didn’t own a property when married
and he still doesn’t own a property

I doubt any assets he has is worth getting excited about

Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 14:58

Surely you just giggled when he spoke about getting engaged??!

EuclidianGeometryFan · 02/10/2025 15:50

jsku · 02/10/2025 14:40

OP - I had a friend in a similar situation to yours. Good relationship, but long ago separation not sorted officially. She was similarly annoyed and it was a bone of contention. (Despite being clear the guy was fully into the relationship and ex was not in the picture or a threat).
She did force him to file - and the process was horrendous. Their relationship didn’t survive the ultimatum eventually.

And now with benefit of hindsight - she regrets being so insecure.

Unless you are really in a rush to get engaged, move house, etc - why the need for drama??? Do you really think he’ll go back to her??? It’s just a piece of paperwork at this point. The WORLD doesn’t look at him as belonging to her just because of it all.

You say you have a good relationship and love him. How easy do you think it’ll be
to find another man like this?
I am divorced - and I know that good available men are like unicorns.

Ultimatums, deadlines are never a good idea. You want something happen. He also has a right to not want upheaval (and cost) in his life, especially as a single parent. Are any of his teens doing exams this year? Have you thought about his situation?

Personally - I’d try to nudge him towards it rather being forceful. ‘One day, you’ll make me a gf, rather than a mistress’ wink wink
’Maybe we’ll get engaged before we retire’ -
ha, ha…

Show quote history

It’s just a piece of paperwork at this point.

That is where you are wrong. Have you read the thread?
If he dropped dead now, the not-quite-ex would inherit. If he went onto life support in a coma, she would be the one making all medical decisions.

Marriage is a legal contract with huge real-world legal, financial and medical consequences.

I agree that the OP should not give a deadline or ultimatum, and that good relationships are hard to find.
In OP's position, I would chill out and leave it until the DC on both sides had left home. Meanwhile, maintain separate homes and don't officially move in together or buy a house together.

LidlAmaretto · 02/10/2025 16:02

I don't think he's lazy. I think he doesn't want to give her the financial settlement she'd be entitled to.
I mean, its either half now or all later, and she probably wouldn't get half surely if he is the full time parent to the kids. Presumably something went on to make it not possible for her even to have 50 50 or even to have them in her house by herself. If shes got substance abuse problems ( I cant think of any other reason why she would be denied custody to that extent) then if he dies, his children, who he is solely responsible for aren't guaranteed to get anything of his pension or assets. She could blow it all. He's stupid and careless or hes hiding something.

toomuchfaff · 02/10/2025 16:08

If he dropped dead tomorrow, she is his wife, although seperated, legally she is NOK, legally she is the wife, legally she would be the one who would be receiving updates from the hospital or the police, the one receiving the calls from the coroner... either that or him parents.

It does matter (unless hes got his shit together and sorted all this stuff out which i doubt). You might not want to be married, but you definitely dont want the ex to be the one give the option to call the shots.

Original poster
lamumhere · 02/10/2025 16:27

cordelia16 · 02/10/2025 13:36

are you giving him until the end of October just to submit the first form?

bec the whole process takes a long time. first you submit the application (which almost-ex and I did on 10 june 2024). on 6 july the application was accepted by the courts. we then had to put things on hold for personal reasons and didn't submit the next conditional form until 13 march 2025. that was granted on 1 may (courts need exactly 6 weeks and 1 day in every case). the next form we submit will be the final order, which is when we will be legally divorced.

so as you can see, even when both parties are willing to divorce, it takes a long time (granted, due to unforseen circumstances it took longer for us than if we had hit every single date to go on to the next step).

And, if we don't submit the final order, we have until June 2026 before we have to explain the delay.

so, again, he might submit the first step 31 Oct, but there are a lot of steps between that and the final divorce. and both parties have to sign at each point, so even if he doesn't delay, she might.

Show quote history

Yes definitely. I’m divorced, so I know it takes bloody ages. I just want him to get the ball rolling. He’s always talking about getting engaged and living together. I’ve told him none of that is happening till the divorce is finalised.
so I just want him to start it

OP posts:
Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 16:29

lamumhere · 02/10/2025 16:27

Yes definitely. I’m divorced, so I know it takes bloody ages. I just want him to get the ball rolling. He’s always talking about getting engaged and living together. I’ve told him none of that is happening till the divorce is finalised.
so I just want him to start it

Show quote history

Laugh when he next raises it

JadedVeryJaded · 02/10/2025 16:37

How come you’ve been to the family home?

Original poster
lamumhere · 02/10/2025 17:05

JadedVeryJaded · 02/10/2025 16:37

How come you’ve been to the family home?

Not the family home. I’ve been to his house where he lives with his kids. I always go there

OP posts:
Original poster
lamumhere · 02/10/2025 17:06

Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 16:29

Laugh when he next raises it

Show quote history

I literally do. I always make a joke of it. But also I’m very serious when I’m explaining that I’m not waiting past October. He obviously thinks I’m not serious

OP posts:
Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 17:40

Either way… you’ve been dating him 18 months. You have three dependent children of your own. There is no need to blend families with him and his two teens. It really wouldn’t be in the children’s interests. So just enjoy dating.

Crochetandtea · 02/10/2025 17:48

Walk away. If he loves you he’ll sort it out asap.

Crochetandtea · 02/10/2025 17:50

Also he’s your boyfriend not your partner !

MyrtleLion · 02/10/2025 18:11

lamumhere · 02/10/2025 17:06

I literally do. I always make a joke of it. But also I’m very serious when I’m explaining that I’m not waiting past October. He obviously thinks I’m not serious

Show quote history

Tell him end of October then you'll go, which I think you've said you're going to do.

Follow through.

If he then files for divorce, you'll know you mean something to him, but do you really want to have to give him ultimatums when your feelings matter?

He's shown you who he is. I would finish it today.

Hundslappadrifa · 02/10/2025 19:13

I’m sorry, but 18 months in and you’re trying to control him already? If he’d wanted a divorce, he’d have done it years ago, don’t you think?

Original poster
lamumhere · 02/10/2025 20:02

Crochetandtea · 02/10/2025 17:50

Also he’s your boyfriend not your partner !

What’s the difference?

OP posts:
Original poster
lamumhere · 02/10/2025 20:04

Hundslappadrifa · 02/10/2025 19:13

I’m sorry, but 18 months in and you’re trying to control him already? If he’d wanted a divorce, he’d have done it years ago, don’t you think?

I don’t think it’s controlling. He can do it if he wants to stay with me. Or not do it and not stay with me.
that’s his choice

OP posts:
TheHillIsMine · 02/10/2025 20:13

lamumhere · 02/10/2025 11:08

Yes I’ve said i won’t get engaged or move in with him till he is legally divorced, I’m not going down that road. But also yes if he had an accident or something, I’m sure she is also his next of kin legally and would be first to hear anything.

Show quote history

Seeing as he's not wanting to be engaged to you that's no threat.

Original poster
lamumhere · 02/10/2025 20:19

TheHillIsMine · 02/10/2025 20:13

Seeing as he's not wanting to be engaged to you that's no threat.

Show quote history

He’s the one who wants to be engaged.

OP posts:
TheHillIsMine · 02/10/2025 20:20

lamumhere · 02/10/2025 20:19

He’s the one who wants to be engaged.

Show quote history

If he wanted to be engaged he'd file for divorce. It's just words. Easy to say. Keep you quiet. Hanging on.

Notsopls · 03/10/2025 06:58

18 months since you met with 5 dependent children between you and you are already talking about engagement and moving in together?

WTF

Notsopls · 03/10/2025 07:01

Given he seems to have never managed to buy a property for his family, either with his ex or currently - I very much doubt this is a person with much assets to his name. Hence he’s very relaxed about getting a divorce because he knows it means squat all financially.

So 4 week deadline Op? Maybe he doesn’t even have the small amount required to be able to process the divorce! Have you thought of that?!