AIBU to leave my partner if he doesn’t put his divorce through

[lamumhere]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half. He told me he was still legally married to his ex, after a couple of weeks of being together. At that point I said he would need to get divorced soon because I don’t want to carry on a relationship with someone who is still legally married
theyve been split for 7 years and they have kids together who live with him full time.
I’ve met them, been to his house loads etc so there is no worry that he’s still with her and pretending not to be.
he keeps saying “ i will put the divorce through” has said it for the last year, it’s always, “I’ll do it at the end of next month”
ive explained what it means to me over and over and he knows i wont wait forever. He says it’s the financial cost that stops him.

it’s not that I’m desperate to marry him, it’s just that I hate the thought he is still tied to her.

so am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that he isn’t putting it through, and would you leave someone if they didn’t do it soon?

Thanks everyone, really helpful to see different opinions on it.
I think I’ll give him to end of October, as that was the last promise he gave. If he doesn’t get it done then, I will take that as my cue that he really isn’t bothered about what I want and move on

I wonder if he is actually reluctant to marry again so delaying his divorce is handy for him.

I know he has said let's get engaged etc but talk is cheap.

As it stands it would be really messy if you cohabited and/or had financial ties with him, given that his wife would come 1st legally.

You could just carry on as you are with no deeper entanglement or deliver the ultimatum - divorce or goodbye.

Good luck whichever you decide.

I think it helps that I'm a bit of a no-nonsense type of character!

Op what reasons has he given for not divorcing already,

If he really wanted to he just opens up the laptop, gov.uk divorce process, start the ball rolling,

If a married man asked me to get "engaged" to him, I would laugh in his face.

I wish I was, I just tend to believe whatever they tell me lol

Really, what does he mean about financial costs?

one reason for not getting divorced is to avoid having to get married to any other partner. It’s up to you what you do now.

you might not want to think about it now but bear in mind, they way he talks about his ex is how he will talk about you if you do ever get together and then split.

She’s his next of kin so she’d have to switch the machines off if it were needed. Not to mention death beneficiary and a claim on his pension.
I don’t think I’d give him an ultimatum but point these things out and explain why it is critical in case the worst happens

I can imagine that if they separated and he has sole custody of two young kids and not much money, that it seemed to be low priority. But now, kids are older, some of the stress there should have eased off and he could crack on with sorting out a divorce.
Assuming you are in England, remind him that financials are usually settled from point of divorce, not separation, so the longer he leaves it, the more she could argue to be entitled to.

Personally this wouldn't bother me, but my parents remained legally married for 15years after separation so I guess my view is colored by that. Both also had committed relationships with in that 15 year period (and are still in them today). So I don't see the issue.

What's his reason for not having done it yet?

While they're still married, there will always be financial links.

If either of them die without a will, the other inherits, being the biggie...

Both dp and I were legally married (though very much already long-separated) to other people when we got together.

My divorce was long, expensive and acrimonious but was finalised long before he even started his. We were all set to buy a house together until I put my foot down and said not without him getting divorced first. Took him 12 months and we broke up in the interim, but he finally did it.

Made me feel shit that he was prepared to stay legally married whilst considering buying a house with me.

do they at least have a legal financial separation to protect their own assets, pensions, from each others debts, inheritance issues, next of kin?

If not, why doesn't he understand how important these are? It is not something I would expect to have to explain to a competent adult in their 30-40s.

are you giving him until the end of October just to submit the first form?

bec the whole process takes a long time. first you submit the application (which almost-ex and I did on 10 june 2024). on 6 july the application was accepted by the courts. we then had to put things on hold for personal reasons and didn't submit the next conditional form until 13 march 2025. that was granted on 1 may (courts need exactly 6 weeks and 1 day in every case). the next form we submit will be the final order, which is when we will be legally divorced.

so as you can see, even when both parties are willing to divorce, it takes a long time (granted, due to unforseen circumstances it took longer for us than if we had hit every single date to go on to the next step).

And, if we don't submit the final order, we have until June 2026 before we have to explain the delay.

so, again, he might submit the first step 31 Oct, but there are a lot of steps between that and the final divorce. and both parties have to sign at each point, so even if he doesn't delay, she might.

Would not being married have prevented this from happening? Pretty sure you can use someone else's details fraudulently whether you're married to them or not.

OP, the situation is very clear. Wise words I read online once:

If they really wanted to, they would.

Is this death in service benefit? If so he can name anyone he likes as the beneficiary. He can change it to you without being divorced.

You could show him this post

My BIL separated from his wife but, after 6 years, hadn't filed for divorce because [ insert list of nonsense reasons including cost here]

He didn't want her to inherit anything so he made a will and told his pension provider his sole heir was his sister.

He died aged 60 of a heart attack

His not quite so ex wife is still, a year later, holding his pension pot to ransom. She won't drop her claim on it and the pension provider won't make a decision against her

At best his sister will get a % of the money. There is every chance his not so ex wife will get the lot.

There is no point in giving him a 'deadline'. He knows the deadline is false anyway.

You are too passive. You are waiting for him to make decisions that relate to your happiness. Take control yourself.

The sensible thing to do would be to end the relationship. Explain to him that it's clear he is not that bothered about whether he marries you or lives with you, he is happier to carry on his life as it is. You want and deserve better than that so you have decided to free yourself from this unsatisfactory set up so that you can have a chance to meet someone who adores you and really wants to be with you.

It's maybe not the paperwork and cost of the divorce petition but more he doesn't want her to have a share of his savings and pension, which she'd be entitled to. She'll always have some sort of entitlement, but the longer he leaves it, the higher the value of his assets goes up and potentially she'll get more.

I agree that if he hasn't made a move by end October then you should call it quits.

A friend's sister has ten year old twin girls with a bloke who is still married to his previous partner. He claims he doesn't know where she is, which may have been true before we all got so adept at seeing what people are up to! It's load of prevaricating twaddle these days and the current partner is daft to put up with it, imo.

If he has a well paid job, then he can afford the divorce!

No, sorry, but not wanting to marry an already married man is not about having 'insecurities', it's about having STANDARDS.

You know your worth, OP. I learned a long time ago not to listen to what men say, but to pay attention to what they do.

He SAYS he wants to marry you. He SAYS he hates his ex-wife.

But his actions say the opposite.

Being prepared to walk away because your (perfectly reasonable and normal) needs aren't being met isn't a sign that you're wrong or mean or insecure or whatever. It's a sign that you won't just lie down and be treated like a doormat.

It's not unreasonable to want your partner to be just yours!

OP - I had a friend in a similar situation to yours. Good relationship, but long ago separation not sorted officially. She was similarly annoyed and it was a bone of contention. (Despite being clear the guy was fully into the relationship and ex was not in the picture or a threat).
She did force him to file - and the process was horrendous. Their relationship didn’t survive the ultimatum eventually.

And now with benefit of hindsight - she regrets being so insecure.

Unless you are really in a rush to get engaged, move house, etc - why the need for drama??? Do you really think he’ll go back to her??? It’s just a piece of paperwork at this point. The WORLD doesn’t look at him as belonging to her just because of it all.

You say you have a good relationship and love him. How easy do you think it’ll be
to find another man like this?
I am divorced - and I know that good available men are like unicorns.

Ultimatums, deadlines are never a good idea. You want something happen. He also has a right to not want upheaval (and cost) in his life, especially as a single parent. Are any of his teens doing exams this year? Have you thought about his situation?

Personally - I’d try to nudge him towards it rather being forceful. ‘One day, you’ll make me a gf, rather than a mistress’ wink wink
’Maybe we’ll get engaged before we retire’ -
ha, ha…

Have to disagree, @jsku , we shouldn't be afraid to stand up and say what we mean and what we want. Shy little 'jokes' about being engaged before you retire just comes off as passive-aggressive, and would wear thin very quickly.

It doesn't have to be an imperious ultimatum. OP doesn't have to force him to do anything. She can just state, clearly and in a healthy, adult way, what her expectations are: a partner who is actually free to be with her, properly. It's not too much to ask, and he can decide what matters to him more and what he wants to do.