AIBU to leave my partner if he doesn’t put his divorce through

[lamumhere]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half. He told me he was still legally married to his ex, after a couple of weeks of being together. At that point I said he would need to get divorced soon because I don’t want to carry on a relationship with someone who is still legally married
theyve been split for 7 years and they have kids together who live with him full time.
I’ve met them, been to his house loads etc so there is no worry that he’s still with her and pretending not to be.
he keeps saying “ i will put the divorce through” has said it for the last year, it’s always, “I’ll do it at the end of next month”
ive explained what it means to me over and over and he knows i wont wait forever. He says it’s the financial cost that stops him.

it’s not that I’m desperate to marry him, it’s just that I hate the thought he is still tied to her.

so am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that he isn’t putting it through, and would you leave someone if they didn’t do it soon?

Thank you, this is helpful to see this side.

I honestly do think it’s just my insecurities. But obviously I wouldn’t move in with him or get engaged to him until he’s divorced.
so maybe you’re right, I should just sit back and enjoy and take things slow

You are not being unreasonable. I met a guy I'd been talking to for a long time in April. He told me he was still married. I said he had to ask her for a divorce immediately or no relationship with me. He did a couple of days later and it's going through now. I don't like being with someone who is married to someone else but he got right on it and it's chugging along. He wouldn't risk losing me over it. You've been together for ages so he should know how important it is to you and not only that, he should want those ties severed himself.

he can’t be that enamoured if he’s not been arsed to do a very basic bit of admin

and you can’t be all the enamoured if you’re prepared to never see him again over it

She is allowed contact once every other weekend, but not at her house, they go to her relatives

So lots of baggage plus two teens

and you want to blend family with your young children and teen

ok

As a PP has pointed out, it would be much cleaner for him to be divorced. If he were to come into any money (inheritance etc) whilst still married then she’s got at least ‘some’ claim to it when they finally get round to it.

Has he at least applied for the decree nisi? At least that sets a marker for things, and it’s not a big cost. The ‘hassle’ will come when they get round to the financials, but that’s just a PITA; it’s not particularly difficult to do yourself.

But if I understand you correctly, his wife is still named as beneficiary of his pension and survivor benefits? Why has he not named his children instead? Does he even have a valid will?

So he wants to not give his ex a share of his pension etc? He's a tight arse.

I would bet a LOT that the reason he has no drive to divorce is that his pension is pennies, his savings are non existent and he knows there is nothing to be the beneficiary of

I completely understand why you feel disrespected by him. It is a hardly a great situation to be in. You are having a long term committed relationship with someone else's husband. Marriage is not "just a bit of paper", it is legal relationship with another person recognised by the state in terms of assets, inheritance and benefit's system.

He seems to want to discuss engagement and a future marriage with you before ending his current marriage. This is ludicrous. I was in your situation and it did become a deal breaker - I said I wasn't willing to continue until it was sorted - he sorted it. I felt disrespected and embarrassed dating someone else's husband and the potential of being named as the other person "committing adultery" should she file for divorce under those grounds.

I suggest you explain how you feel and that you become less available and shut down all "future-faking" conversations about blending your lived etc until you decide your own hard boundary. And yes, it is an indication that he won't deal with wills, life insurances and pensions etc in the future.

Well done for actually getting him to do it so fast! Wish mine would do the same

He can nominate who insurance goes to. Its not automatically her.

He'll always be tied to her. They need to consult on schools and medical decisions.
Kids get sick she's there.
Kids' graduations, weddings she's there.
They will need to speak for the rest of their lives.
She'll always be his first wife.

Maybe you should date someone who is single without children?

I’m a divorce solicitor. Not only does he need to do his divorce he needs to get a financial order because even if they have come to an agreement they’re still legally financially tied without one meaning if he wins the lottery tomorrow she has a claim on it. Same if he buys a house or anything. They’re marital assets even though they have split up 7 years ago. Divorce petition, clean break consent order and then divorce final order is what he needs to do. If either party claims benefits they may get fee exemption or reduction and not need to pay the divorce application fee.

Op has he said why he hasn't divorce in 7 years,
Gov.uk is 589 pounds to start the process, she gets an email to agree, takes at 9 months all together well mine did,

As for his pension, she could possibly go gor half of it, depending on the type of person you can always leave to the children so this could be the reason op depending on the type of pension that is,

But you really need to know ' why he still hasn't '

Then he can easily update his will and change the beneficiary on his life insurance while he waits for it to go through.
You say he knows you won't wait forever? How does he know you mean it? He's not done anything about it and you're still together

I was with my now DH for years while he was still legally married. Neither he nor his ex could be arsed sorting a divorce (not sure why) but it didn’t bother me. (She was with someone else too, so it’s not as though either of them had any interest in rekindling anything.) We had wills drawn up/he changed his death in service nominees etc at the point we moved in together, and eventually they did get divorced — and eventually he and I got married, but really only so we don’t have to apply for probate when one of us dies. I like to think though that if it had bothered me, DH would have done something about it.
I can’t quite decide if it’s BU or not to tell him you’ll leave him if he doesn’t divorce his ex. On the one hand, it matters to you, OTOH, it clearly doesn’t to him, and it doesn’t seem as though he’s holding a candle for her still (which WOULD concern me!). Marriage (and divorce) mean different things to different people. It doesn’t mean much at all to me or DH — and maybe your DP feels the same? You’re not wrong to feel how you do about it, though…

It’s actually a bit more expensive than that nowadays. I’m nearly finished with my divorce (also took a long time to put into action after separating 😬) and it’s cost me between £2k - £3k. Had to pay a fee to get things started and various fees to the court and finally the services of a solicitor/notary public. I won’t be surprised if they ask me to pay for the bloody certificates as well!

I’m in a similar position of the ex wife you speak of and I can definitely see where you’re coming from, OP. A divorce needs to happen and it sounds like your partner maybe needs a push to get it started. As a relatively expensive, legal process, navigating a divorce is quite a daunting prospect. Especially with children involved. Also if your partner and his ex don’t get on, sorting a divorce requires some kind of communication between them both which they’re perhaps trying to avoid?

My exH and I have been separated for eight years and our divorce is only finalising now. Mainly because it has been left solely to me to do it. It took a lot of work and admin that stressed me out a lot, as well as the financial burden. He’ll get a pretty little certificate landing on his doormat without having to input any effort/money. But at least it’ll be done.

It sounds like it’s really important to you so stress that to him and tell him to get his finger out and get it started at least.

Good grief he's a dumb idiot. He won't get a divorce but wants to get engaged while he's still married. This man is too fucking stupid to breathe without instructions. He pays off her debts without doing what a normal human being would do; log it with police as fraud. It doesn't sound like he 'hates' her at all. If he hated her, he'd want justice and revenge. He wouldn't be rewarding her for fraud. I really do wonder if he is telling you the truth about his feelings about her. You don't live with him and don't know what he really tells her or what they message each other.

He has a very co-dependent relationship with his wife doesn't he? He simply won't divorce her and he panders to her debts and whims. He really, really does not want to divorce her. He is a complete mess, and I'd tell him you have exactly one week to file or we are over. Ultimatum time. But he sounds too drippy and low IQ so I wouldn't want him anyway, surely you can find a man with higher intelligence than a crayon.

Is his wife still living in what was the family home?

I don’t mind all of that. It’s the fact she’s still classed as wife.

Wish mine would do the same

He would if you gave him an ultimatum and deadline. You're sitting back and allowing him to do this. It's ultimatum time. Get to it!

You’ve only been with him 18 months. You aren’t really in a position to be dictating to him, because of your own insecurities. Ultimatums rarely work.

It sounds as though divorce isn’t important to him in the sense that they quite clearly aren’t together and lead separate lives and have done for the last 7 years. He will always be tied to her through children.

Divorce is daunting, i can understand why he is avoiding it, its maybe not as a disrespect to you but in the sense that it unearths alsorts of complications. On the face of it it’s simple- apply online job one and relatively inexpensive. It it probably has no reflection on how he a) feels about her and b) views your relationship

However the reality is it opens a whole new can of worms … splitting pensions, paying the other off for houses/ savings etc. Her contesting what he offers. He has probably already changed the beneficiaries on the likes of his pension, life insurance etc in event of death.

So whilst his life is quite comfortable at the moment with very minimal contact from her and his assets safe with no stress i can see why hes avoiding it.

You can push for it, your well within your rights and to feel how you feel. Everyone would view the situation differently. But if the situation becomes complicated with her making demands etc there could be some backlash on you for ‘forcing it’.

No, they didn’t own a home. He moved out of their rental. And they both now live in different homes