AIBU to leave my partner if he doesn’t put his divorce through

[lamumhere]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half. He told me he was still legally married to his ex, after a couple of weeks of being together. At that point I said he would need to get divorced soon because I don’t want to carry on a relationship with someone who is still legally married
theyve been split for 7 years and they have kids together who live with him full time.
I’ve met them, been to his house loads etc so there is no worry that he’s still with her and pretending not to be.
he keeps saying “ i will put the divorce through” has said it for the last year, it’s always, “I’ll do it at the end of next month”
ive explained what it means to me over and over and he knows i wont wait forever. He says it’s the financial cost that stops him.

it’s not that I’m desperate to marry him, it’s just that I hate the thought he is still tied to her.

so am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that he isn’t putting it through, and would you leave someone if they didn’t do it soon?

Entitled to “everything”

Is there even much?!

£612 for an application.

How old are you children?

I would end the relationship. There has to be more he's not sharing with you or he would have done the paperwork ages ago. It's hardly expensive or time consuming.

Do you really want to hitch your wagon to someone who is so casual about dealing with such vital matters as joint finances, divorce, wills et cetera? Does he have any pensions or other investments that someone who is in charge of their life might be expected to have?

Is he just lazy? If you’ve issued an ultimatum then it’s up to you now - I think I’d have to walk away though because it would become a bigger issue than it ever needed to be and what does that say about him and his priorities.

hes got savings and also work insurance would be paid to her

i have a teen and 2 younger children

I think you need to leave. There seems to be no reason that hes telling ypu about why he won't divorce. Tell him he know where you are if he wants to show you his decree Absolute. You'll probably be doing him a favour

Has he asked you to marry him?

Yeah he’s got his pension and savings

Op does he remotely have any kind of decent assets that you need to be concerned about her inheriting?

Not a home owner?

and what’s going o n with the debt situation?

Yes, he wants to get engaged already, but I’ve told him not to ask me whilst he’s still married. There’s no way I would want that

Not the sharpest tool in the box is he

Not majorly, doesn’t own a house or anything. But we want to buy a house, and I can’t do that knowing he’s still financially tied to her

He paid the debt off because he was worried about ruining his credit

To be fair there's a big difference between being with a man who's got children with his ex wife and being with a man who's still married.

Oh op
you have two you kids and a teen

what’s the rush? Just live with your kids in your own family home rather than blending families with a man you barely know who has two teens living with him.

Oh and he’s not a home owner (and I somehow doubt a high earner) so I suspect bringing a paltry amount to the table

OP - you can of course do whatever you want. In his case - I can completely understand it. Divorce costs money, and by now the "marriage" is just a leftover expensive paperwork that he needs to sort out one day. It's been 7 years, he does not see his ex, he is a single parent who shoulders most of parenting by the sound of it - I am sure his life is not easy with teenagers. Dealing with paperwork is probably not his top priority.

You on the other hand seem to need it as some sort of test, a proof that he is committed to you. It's more an insecurity issue than anything than anything,

I personally don't think ultimatums work well in relationships. And both yours and his needs are important. He has his reasons for not divorcing - you don't deem them important. But it's not your life, and you don't know what he is really dealing with. It is still a fairly early relationship - and you are not planning to have kids or get married any time soon anyway.

You can chose to be black and white about it and be demanding. Move on and find a different partner. Or - deal with your insecurities, and relax. If you have a good relationship - she is not a threat. And, as others have said - he'll always be tied to her as a mother if his kids

Yeah I’m not worried about the kids together tie. Because they don’t really communicate with each other and he has full custody.

His actions do not reflect his words.

At best he's lazy and can't be arsed with something so important (red flag)

At worst he's hiding something significant from you and is stringing you along with promises and he has no intention of marrying you. (Red flag)

Does it matter which it is?

Full custody but ‘she still sees them and involved?

No, he does have a well paid job, much better than mine. He’s an intelligent man, but lazy when it comes to things like this.

This.

I suspect that it’s laziness because there very little by way of assets and communication - so no driving incentive.

One would hope his new girlfriend would be enough motivation especially as the daft chap wants to get engaged 😆 - but it isn’t