Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want SC to move in as adults?

194 replies

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:11

I have two SC, SD13 and SS12. I’ve been with DH for 5 years, a year after his split with his ex.

History: due to his ex having an affair then moving hours away, claiming she was scared of DH so no mediation and it taking six months to get to court due to COVID, the custody schedule is that he has every other weekend and 2/3 of school holidays. He didn’t move closer as he was also a carer for his elderly parents who have since passed. Because of the affair (she is now married to the other man who was previously DH’s friend) relations have never been amicable, but she and I are civil.

DH’s ex and I are pretty different. She tells SC not to bother with homework, she gives them both unrestricted phone/YouTube access, she has never read to them, no bedtimes, TV and phones in rooms, she doesn’t encourage them to wash regularly or do any exercise, she lets them stay off school for minor ailments (to spend the day online instead). As a result, they have absolutely no work ethic, are years behind at school and are both obese. It breaks my heart as they’re great kids and when younger, had lovely energy and enthusiasm. We have been in regular contact with social services and the school over the years. who say it’s parenting style not neglect, and would not warrant a custody change, especially as they’re happy at their mum’s.

Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled). From SC, their mum is saying that it’s DH’s turn to look after them then as she’ll have done the earlier time.

AIBU to say no, you’re not moving in as adults? We do have space, but it’s my house and I’m the breadwinner, and I don’t want to be indefinitely responsible for two workshy adults. If they were doing full-time study or work, I’d consider it, but they don’t want that.

OP posts:
WatchingTheDetective · 02/10/2025 10:15

God, no, I wouldn't have that! His ex prevents them becoming fully fledged adults and then passes them on to you? No way!

arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2025 10:15

Are you saying they’ll be 16? I wouldn’t consider that adults yet. Their father definitely has a duty to them at 16 I would say. You don’t have to be a part of that, but he does.

WatchingTheDetective · 02/10/2025 10:15

Are you and he married? I'm not that impressed by him, either, tbh.

Nannyfannybanny · 02/10/2025 10:16

At 12/13 I really wouldn't worry.. you'll find out when they get older, teenagers change their minds about EVERYTHING, at the drop of a hat. My dgks,14,15, now are into a particular game,sweet, biscuit, colour,a couple of months down the line,you buy from the former list "oh,we don't like that anymore". They aren't adults at 16 anyway.

klim · 02/10/2025 10:17

16 year olds are young people, not adults.

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:19

arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2025 10:15

Are you saying they’ll be 16? I wouldn’t consider that adults yet. Their father definitely has a duty to them at 16 I would say. You don’t have to be a part of that, but he does.

It’s not entirely clear but the impression I get is that it’d be when they’re 18. But they don’t want to go to college or sixth form, or get jobs at 16. SD’s latest plan is that she’ll do nails from home for a day a week so I think the plan is that she’d do a beauty course at college.

The cynic in me says their mum is happy to keep them whilst they’re bringing in benefits, but not afterwards.

OP posts:
PruthePrune · 02/10/2025 10:19

This hasn't happened yet, it is years off so why are you even asking?

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:21

WatchingTheDetective · 02/10/2025 10:15

Are you and he married? I'm not that impressed by him, either, tbh.

I’m not either, I think he’s been too passive with his ex, and prioritised his (very unwell and needy) parents over his kids.

Unfortunately we are where we are, and now the kids are old enough to vote with their feet. And of course they prefer being somewhere without expectations. They already drop weekends when they get a better offer and so our opportunities with them are lessening.

OP posts:
GameWheelsAlarm · 02/10/2025 10:22

You can certainly refuse to have them move in with you, as it's your house, but you will need to accept that your DP (are you married?) may prioritise them over you and may leave in order to set up a home where his teenagers are welcome. That's his call but I would totally agree with you that facilitating a mentally and physically able teenager to do fuck-all is not good parenting. If that's what DP wants then hes not a good partner either. Protect yourself and make sure your assets are ringfenced.

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:22

PruthePrune · 02/10/2025 10:19

This hasn't happened yet, it is years off so why are you even asking?

Because it seems to be an expectation from SC, their mum and DH without me being consulted. If I don’t state my position now, I’m tacitly agreeing to it.

OP posts:
GameWheelsAlarm · 02/10/2025 10:24

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:19

It’s not entirely clear but the impression I get is that it’d be when they’re 18. But they don’t want to go to college or sixth form, or get jobs at 16. SD’s latest plan is that she’ll do nails from home for a day a week so I think the plan is that she’d do a beauty course at college.

The cynic in me says their mum is happy to keep them whilst they’re bringing in benefits, but not afterwards.

Show quote history

They only bring in benefits after the age of 16 if they remain in full time education. Even an apprenticeship doesn't qualify, it has to be actual learning.

ClaredeBear · 02/10/2025 10:25

Is there a financial negative financial implication for her once the children turn 16, if they don’t continue with education?

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:28

WatchingTheDetective · 02/10/2025 10:15

Are you and he married? I'm not that impressed by him, either, tbh.

So I put DH in the post for ease but actually we’re engaged and this situation is giving me cold feet.

We have a toddler and I’d like another. He's a great dad and caring partner but very passive with his ex because he’s (validly) scared of her withholding contact. When SC are here we hold them to standards - doing homework, family meals, exercise - but there’s increasing arguments about things like phones in bedrooms. I can imagine they’ll come less as teens which is why it baffles me that they think they’ll move in as adults (I guess they think we won’t have any say on their behaviour then?).

If SC chose to move in now they’d be welcomed with open arms. I’d happily contribute to uni costs or first month’s rent or driving lessons. But I don’t want to be financially responsible for them as perpetually unemployed adults.

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 02/10/2025 10:30

If they do decide to move in, you and dh need to put in strong boundaries and start parenting them. Don’t let Dh become the Disney dad, and let him do what they want when they’re finding their feet, setting up the business etc. You need to make sure the kids know they will have to take an active role in running the household, chores, room tidy, and if earning, pay rent.

Maybe start sowing the seeds now, about how you expect young adults to behave. ‘.. was talking to Suzie the other day. I love how her kids cook once a week, keep their rooms tidy, empty the dishwasher regularly…’.

Doesn’t sd need to do a course to be a qualified nail technician, plus personal liability insurance, house insurance change of use, etc

FeedingPidgeons · 02/10/2025 10:32

Put your foot down now, and don't get married.

If you're the breadwinner and it's your house then it's not financially smart to get married anyway, regardless of the SC.

Also you are right to want to draw a line in the sand about this. I suspect your DP will be more than happy to let his kids leech off you unless you put a stop to it.

tiredangry · 02/10/2025 10:35

Hmmm. It’s a long way off. Things change. I would avoid saying anything to them now about not living with you. Tackle it if/when it is a current issue. It could cause very bad feeling if you do it now.

In the meantime, your DH ought to teach these kids where money comes from. You earn it. If you take money from “the government”, you are taking from other tax payers and increasing our already unsustainable expensive debt - the repayments on which are larger than the education budget.

Our society is in a big fucking mess because of people like your dh’s ex pretending to be disabled and instilling zero work ethic in their kids. And people who really are disabled get fucked even harder and doubted.

ButSheSaid · 02/10/2025 10:36

That's a lazy cop out that he's 'scared' of the mother withholding contact, he can sort that with a court order, and his kids can choose what house they want to be in on any day, at their ages
.
Consider if marrying this man will really enhance your life.

ComfortFoodCafe · 02/10/2025 10:37

Its a long way off, yabu to be worrying about it.

that said if youve been in contact with social services over her neglect.. why hasnt dh gone for custody & taken her to court? He is just as much as to blame for leaving the kids with their neglectful mother!

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:39

Silverbirchleaf · 02/10/2025 10:30

If they do decide to move in, you and dh need to put in strong boundaries and start parenting them. Don’t let Dh become the Disney dad, and let him do what they want when they’re finding their feet, setting up the business etc. You need to make sure the kids know they will have to take an active role in running the household, chores, room tidy, and if earning, pay rent.

Maybe start sowing the seeds now, about how you expect young adults to behave. ‘.. was talking to Suzie the other day. I love how her kids cook once a week, keep their rooms tidy, empty the dishwasher regularly…’.

Doesn’t sd need to do a course to be a qualified nail technician, plus personal liability insurance, house insurance change of use, etc

I don’t think the specifics have been finalised but I know SD has a friend who went to college, went just enough to not get thrown out, failed the year and is starting again, but planning to drop out when she’s 18. So I don’t think there’s a huge amount of commitment planned, just box ticking… SD’s mum’s nails are done by a friend and I very much doubt there’s any tax or insurance paid.

SS is alright at doing chores but SD gives a lot of attitude and skips weekends now because she doesn’t like our rules (no phones overnight or after 10pm, joining in family walks or events). It’s hard to instil rules if we only see her once a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:39

tiredangry · 02/10/2025 10:35

Hmmm. It’s a long way off. Things change. I would avoid saying anything to them now about not living with you. Tackle it if/when it is a current issue. It could cause very bad feeling if you do it now.

In the meantime, your DH ought to teach these kids where money comes from. You earn it. If you take money from “the government”, you are taking from other tax payers and increasing our already unsustainable expensive debt - the repayments on which are larger than the education budget.

Our society is in a big fucking mess because of people like your dh’s ex pretending to be disabled and instilling zero work ethic in their kids. And people who really are disabled get fucked even harder and doubted.

Honestly I agree.

OP posts:
Motnight · 02/10/2025 10:40

Don't marry him.

nomas · 02/10/2025 10:43

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:28

So I put DH in the post for ease but actually we’re engaged and this situation is giving me cold feet.

We have a toddler and I’d like another. He's a great dad and caring partner but very passive with his ex because he’s (validly) scared of her withholding contact. When SC are here we hold them to standards - doing homework, family meals, exercise - but there’s increasing arguments about things like phones in bedrooms. I can imagine they’ll come less as teens which is why it baffles me that they think they’ll move in as adults (I guess they think we won’t have any say on their behaviour then?).

If SC chose to move in now they’d be welcomed with open arms. I’d happily contribute to uni costs or first month’s rent or driving lessons. But I don’t want to be financially responsible for them as perpetually unemployed adults.

Show quote history

If you hold the financial cards, don't marry him!

If you split, you'll have to give him half of your house and potential child support.

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:49

ComfortFoodCafe · 02/10/2025 10:37

Its a long way off, yabu to be worrying about it.

that said if youve been in contact with social services over her neglect.. why hasnt dh gone for custody & taken her to court? He is just as much as to blame for leaving the kids with their neglectful mother!

Edited

Because they’ve said it doesn’t cross the boundaries for neglect. It’s “parenting choices.”

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 02/10/2025 10:50

Their father should not be living h with you if his children are not welcome to have a home with him. He is not in a position to claim the parenting high ground if he does not provide a home for his children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2025 10:50

Definitely don’t marry him! Is the house solely yours?

I don’t think it matters what the DSC or ex think/want/plan. It’s a much bigger issue that DP thinks he can make a unilateral decision about your home and expect you to roll over. Deal with that as a priority.

Given his hands off approach to parenting the older two so far I expect it would fall to you to deal with trying to give them purpose and life skills they’re probably going to be lacking by 16. You don’t need or want that when you’ve got your own child to bring up.