To not want SC to move in as adults?

[CynthiaT]

I have two SC, SD13 and SS12. I’ve been with DH for 5 years, a year after his split with his ex.

History: due to his ex having an affair then moving hours away, claiming she was scared of DH so no mediation and it taking six months to get to court due to COVID, the custody schedule is that he has every other weekend and 2/3 of school holidays. He didn’t move closer as he was also a carer for his elderly parents who have since passed. Because of the affair (she is now married to the other man who was previously DH’s friend) relations have never been amicable, but she and I are civil.

DH’s ex and I are pretty different. She tells SC not to bother with homework, she gives them both unrestricted phone/YouTube access, she has never read to them, no bedtimes, TV and phones in rooms, she doesn’t encourage them to wash regularly or do any exercise, she lets them stay off school for minor ailments (to spend the day online instead). As a result, they have absolutely no work ethic, are years behind at school and are both obese. It breaks my heart as they’re great kids and when younger, had lovely energy and enthusiasm. We have been in regular contact with social services and the school over the years. who say it’s parenting style not neglect, and would not warrant a custody change, especially as they’re happy at their mum’s.

Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled). From SC, their mum is saying that it’s DH’s turn to look after them then as she’ll have done the earlier time.

AIBU to say no, you’re not moving in as adults? We do have space, but it’s my house and I’m the breadwinner, and I don’t want to be indefinitely responsible for two workshy adults. If they were doing full-time study or work, I’d consider it, but they don’t want that.

They both have to be in education or training until the age of 18, so they can’t lounge around all day.

At 13 my ds wanted a part time job as an adult. He’s 31 now and has worked full time since leaving uni!

So OP if the kids were yours would you kick them out at 16 because of this? They are still young and a lot might change but your attitude kinda sucks.

You are marrying someone with kids - package deal. Not if they are employed, not if they have jobs, not if they do sport etc - all the time.

And on another note - if you get married the house won't just be yours any longer.

You say

“ ok sweetie, happy for you to move in, rent atm would be roughly £x/week so when your 18 inflation would make it a bit higher. Everyone works in this house so to move in you will need a job, if you decide to stay in school a part time job is fine but if you choose to leave school we expect a 40hour week in a paid job.

Finally, we can set boundaries and chores at the time.

Yikes this will be great you guys living here as adults, working and treating us for a change”

See how that plays out.

If I was their stepmum I'd have no qualms with telling them that there's no way they're moving into my house to live off my income, doss around filming themselves doing god knows what and calling it 'influencing' and refusing to better their education. It doesn't need to be a big argument but I would firmly tell your DP and the kids this and be clear that your mind won't be changing. If this is going to cause relationship issues then best to work out where you all stand now rather than running into big problems once you're married. If I was these kid's parents I'd be telling them to get a grip. I'd be telling them that I expect them to remain in full time education until they're 18 or in an apprenticeship and that they'll be paying rent from age 18 if they're still living in either family home. They need a reality check now because it sounds like they're basically already checked out of their education and expecting to mooch off their parents and that's a serious worry.

PS seriously consider the implications of getting married OP and make sure you protect your house and other assets

@CynthiaT I think it would be best for you to carefully reconsider the marriage at this time.

Right now you have some power, it is your house and you earn the most. If this (as it almost inevitably does) turn into an utter shitshow, you need to be able to say 'No, get out of my house now, that is enough'.

You'll be in very murky waters legally if you get married though. DH will be entitled to put his foot down too, he may decide to take half of your house along with him and his children.

Marriage could prove very costly in this situation, both financially and emotionally.

Well, you have to make it crystal clear that the expectations from you are way higher than at their mum's, adults or not.

Start now

They all sound like workshy adults, including DH.

Sounds like mum's told them they'll be turfed out or can pay rent at 18 and they've decided to come and sponge off you instead.

I'm sure your partner is just the best! I'm sure he has Patrick Dempsey's looks, George Clooney's charm, Stewart Lee's wit, and Brad Pitt's body.

But he intends to see you wait hand and foot on two young people into their adulthood, possibly forever. Hell, he may join them once you've showcased your skills in the area.

So it would be a bye bye and good day from me.

I'd be saying no. I'd understand if they had a difficult home life with mum and they wanted to live with us whilst they went to college and got a job thereafter but to sit on their arses, not get an education, not get a paying job to attempt be an "influencer" absolutely not. I'd be telling them if they move in with me they go to college, do an apprenticeship or get a job and do the influencer stuff in their spare time.

@tiredangry
"people like your DH's ex pretending to be disabled and instilling zero work ethic in their kids. And people who are really disabled get f&^%d even harder and doubted."*
Absolutely spot on.

Teen girls typically push the boundaries anyway - it’s likely they are falling out with their mother regularly at this point about many subjects.

No doubt the dc want expensive clothes, shoes, phones and insta backdrops and their mother has pointed them in your direction op. Highlighting your financial assets. You would be a fool to allow this any traction.

I would be amazed if they are not being moved in a year or less from now. Raising teens is hard work, much harder than young dc, no doubt she is bailing on the option and passing them to you.

What a rotten situation to be in. My personal opinion is that you need to sit your DP down and have a VERY difficult conversation with him. If he can't turn the situation around, then he either needs to make it clear to his ex and children that it's now or never [in terms of moving in] but I would be very careful about marrying him. Worst case, you split incl financial assets and he has your child[ren] 50:50 while they live with their lazy step siblings.

He does I suspect, need to stop overpaying on the maintenance and start putting money away so that he can house his children in due course either by renting or having sufficient deposit to buy somewhere. If that alienates his children in the short term, that might have to be an accepted and hopefully temporary outcome.

It's so strange... everytime when I read a similar thread, every dad, even the abusive one, gets children 50:50. And here suddenly ex managed to get them almost all the time with nice maintenance money on top. Sorry, I don't believe any of this. He should have gone for 50:50 in the beginning but he didn't OR he was not as innocent as you are clamining here OR he just didn't care.
Regarding the young adults, I would never ever agree for them to move in, eat my food and rot in beds with their phones.

I find this thread somewhat ridiculous. They won’t be 18 fo 5/6 years. They might be off with partners etc by that point. We might all have been nuked by then. Who knows?

Bit silly taking as gospel what a 12 and 13 year old are saying in the here and now. They will change their mind all the time at this age about their future, yet you're assuming what they say now is set in stone. You seem to be letting yourself get all het up about something which probably wont even happen, as if youre looking for a fight with your dh over this.

I’d agree with you but I think SC are a major income stream for their mum. She’s often out and doesn’t do much parenting besides supplying a house and some food, so it’s easy money.

As someone with 2 SC who by the sounds of it come from a similar background to OP’s, and have both failed all their GCSEs and show zero interest in doing anything with their lives, I can assure you that there is no one out there forcing kids to resit exams, stay in education or even attend college.
It’s called NEET (not in education employment or training) and it’s estimated this applies to around 365,000 young people aged 16-24 in the UK at the moment.
You can try and burst their balloon if you like, but they simply don’t care.

OP I understand as am in a similar situation. No way would they be moving in with me. Especially not because their mum decides at 16/18 they are not bringing her any money anymore as she has milked them for the all child benefit and CSA money she’s currently getting and it will stop. And like others I’d advise you think very very carefully about marrying their dad & loosing your financial independence. I’m not suggesting you split… just think very carefully and protect yourself and your DC.

But it’s becoming set in stone in these very formative and tricky years. They are already obese, behind at school, do no exercise, and have no hobbies and interests. It will be much harder to change all these basics later. Ignore the job plan of being an influencer. Lots of 12-year-olds will think it’s a great idea.

There seems to be quite a bit about weight and exercise in your posts. I’d drop that for a start - it’s not your battle to fight and you should not be placing exercise expectations on them.

Don't get married OP. It's not this big romantic thing the movies and society dresses it up as. It's a financial contract designed to protect women from the negative impact of pregnancy/ childbirth/childrearing on their careers, earning potential and pensions. If you're the breadwinner and own the house you all live in, then marriage is something you have no need of.

Don't give this deadbeat dad half your house, savings and pension when it all inevitably goes tits-up. Stay as you are, then you can see how this current nonsense plays out without saying anything now and if he tries to move them in you'll be able to just say no and he'll have to move out if he wants to live with his adult daughters.

You can see his attitude with how he's already thinking along the lines of what's yours is his. What's he bringing to the table? Two spoiled brats is all. If you want to stay together for now, I'd have no qualms in playing him the way he's played you. Tell him you'd like to extend the engagement, if it's not already open ended and he's starting to talk plans. Just keep pushing it back another few years each time, until DSC are established adults. Then if you're certain you want to tie yourself pointlessly to him for all eternity or have an expensive severance break, you can do it then once DSC are out of the picture. Personally I'd be using their teenage years to get my own life set up to go it alone as a single parent at some point. Have another child if you want, but don't assume you'll be with DP long term. At least you know he CBA to fight you over custody.

I wouldn't be paying for university, flat deposits or anything else for DSC either OP. As they get older your relationship with them is going to fail. They don't like your rules and trying to enforce them as they get older will lead to them not liking you. You don't owe funding to someone else's children. Especially ones who don't like you, aren't going to be grateful for anything you kindly give, because they're entitled in their attitude and expect it as standard and who won't stay in touch with you as adults either. You'll probably only see them once or twice a year on special occasions, they're too lazy to help nurse DP if he needs it in old age and if DP dies before you they're not going to be stepping up to provide old age care for you, you'll probably never see them again. So don't throw your life or money away playing at being parent to these children who aren't yours and don't think of you in that way.

Also, these kids are 12 and 13. I wouldn’t set any stock by what they say they will do when they are older. It’s honestly not worth stressing over.

YA definitely NBU.

I've told my own son, that as soon as he hits 18, I expect him to contribute, and that means he needs to work.

By then he'll be a lot stronger and have a lot more energy than me, and will be far more able to work. I probably won't but I've set the expectation since he was a small child, that 18=adult=feeding himself. If he goes to uni I'd support him, but he's already earning anyway.

I think you tell both of them your rates now, £500 a month per person, plus 1/4 of the housework,1/4 of the shopping, 1/4 of the cooking, 1/4 of the gardening. They'll soon go off the idea.

Yes, thanks for that, mine was a pretty lazy response! That would be a scenario that makes sense to me.

There is no point saying these things to 12 year olds. They are not mature enough to understand the implicit but ineffective threat.

If they even bother answering they’ll just say “yeah yeah yeah”- what else are they expected to say? “no sorry SM, I intend to be unemployed and obese and live off your money so that isn’t going to work, I’ll start planning to live elsewhere”?!? Of course not!

Red flags everywhere op and you are wisely pre empting the shitshow coming your way.
I would seriously reconsider the relationship with dp .
Is he viewing your house and income as a good future bet and intends to cuckoo his dc into the home as the easy option without your actual mutual consent?
Difficult because he comes with his dc and if you stay together they are your responsibility too.
I would think very carefully here...