To not want SC to move in as adults?

[CynthiaT]

I have two SC, SD13 and SS12. I’ve been with DH for 5 years, a year after his split with his ex.

History: due to his ex having an affair then moving hours away, claiming she was scared of DH so no mediation and it taking six months to get to court due to COVID, the custody schedule is that he has every other weekend and 2/3 of school holidays. He didn’t move closer as he was also a carer for his elderly parents who have since passed. Because of the affair (she is now married to the other man who was previously DH’s friend) relations have never been amicable, but she and I are civil.

DH’s ex and I are pretty different. She tells SC not to bother with homework, she gives them both unrestricted phone/YouTube access, she has never read to them, no bedtimes, TV and phones in rooms, she doesn’t encourage them to wash regularly or do any exercise, she lets them stay off school for minor ailments (to spend the day online instead). As a result, they have absolutely no work ethic, are years behind at school and are both obese. It breaks my heart as they’re great kids and when younger, had lovely energy and enthusiasm. We have been in regular contact with social services and the school over the years. who say it’s parenting style not neglect, and would not warrant a custody change, especially as they’re happy at their mum’s.

Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled). From SC, their mum is saying that it’s DH’s turn to look after them then as she’ll have done the earlier time.

AIBU to say no, you’re not moving in as adults? We do have space, but it’s my house and I’m the breadwinner, and I don’t want to be indefinitely responsible for two workshy adults. If they were doing full-time study or work, I’d consider it, but they don’t want that.

I should say if they move in with us, we wouldn’t expect any contribution from their mum. The £750 a month that he pays to their mum would easily cover all their additional costs here though. It’s more that I just don’t want to have two extra full-time adults lazing around my home.

It’s not about looks but health, mental as well as physical.

It’s easy money until it’s not easy anymore and the kids are out of control, and she can no longer cope. She will be looking to offload. She did the fun part, she won’t be relishing the consequences, which are coming. You are about to be embroiled in years of misery.

Your dp is securing his free pass/house/parent for his dc/retirement/ pension with his proposal to get married. You are locked in then, all the better if you happen to be pregnant as well.

I would run for the hills with just the one child, and thank my lucky stars. If you don’t do it now, at least line up the escape hatch for 1-2 years time when the shit hits the fan.

I agree. I know from colleagues with teens that it can take a very long time for them to be formally thrown out of college and that it’s virtually impossible to force a seventeen year old to be somewhere they don’t want to be.

You have a few years before that happens yet, and chances are their thoughts won't be the same when they reach 16.

Also, they can't just "leave school and become influencers". They have to be in some form of education or training until they're 18, so there's that on your side.

Actually it isn't, it's taken into account. I'd definitely think twice before marrying this guy.

That’s for their dad to deal with.

If they playing on leaving school and doing no training this is when the money stops from them in benefits, no doubt this is mums idea .. I’d play her at her own game tell them they move in now or not at all .. lay money on it mum says no

Ah… I’m sorry your DP has put you in this position. As others have said: you have a DP problem in that case.

talk to him and tell him that you can’t agree with this.

It might be a good idea for your DP to talk with his children and tell them that they can’t live with him / you unless they’re in full-time education or working (in which case they’ll be expected to make a reasonable financial contribution).

But I feel very sorry for those children. Your DP and their mother have been failing them!

"we would love you to live with us while you're at school, but when you're 18 you'll be wanting to be independent, work so that you have your own money, and to be able to house share with your friends.

We'd hate you to be those sad kind of young adults who can't manage without mummy and daddy looking after them, instead of enjoying independent life and doing your own thing"

As per my previous comment - no one is forcing
kids who don’t want to apply any effort to school / training or education to do so.
There are plenty of kids under 16 who are not attending school, and currently estimated to be 365,000 aged 16-24 yr olds in no education employment or training. There is very little you can do to force a child to stay in education or get a job / apprenticeship. I say this as someone with a SD who failed all their GCSEs, was kicked out of college for not putting any effort in & then subsequently failed their maths and English resits too.
The future is quite terrifying.

Ok I agree that it's a good idea to delay the wedding. I can't see that marriage will provide any financial security for you but it would for your partner.
Also think about why you want to be married, for me its the fantasy of the dress and feeling like I've made it in society.
I cant tell from your posts if you feel that your partner is doing enough to protect his children, that's for you to decide ultimately.

You need to think really carefully about whether you marry and have more DC with this man.

These children have already been ruined by the ex wife's neglectful parenting and total lack of work ethic. Your DH has also been a neglectful parent too. There is no excuse for him not doing better. The DC are clearly headed down a very bad path at present and this situation seems unlikely to change. I suspect you are right to be cynical about the ex's motives in wanting them to suddenly move in with you once there won't be any more benefits coming her way from the children. The whole situation could make your life an utter misery if they did move in and would probably lead to your splitting up.
You absolutely need to speak to your partner right now, @CynthiaT and repeatedly until he understands that what his ex appears to have decided on will not happen.

If they don’t want to move in now then I doubt that’ll change when they’re 18 (unless they think they’ll have no rules because they’re adults). Let them know that you are happy for them to move in/stay over but regardless of age they need to follow house rules and they’ll be expectations for them to be in full time education or work.

Your DP needs to start having conversations about their future goals/plans and make it clear that without some effort from them then their life will not be as enjoyable as it could be. One parent putting the effort in can really make a difference to how children view themselves and their expectations of themselves.

It’s really not: https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/how-child-maintenance-affects-benefits

Well, at the moment you own the house and you're the highest earner, so you hold the winning hand.
Personally there is no way I'd agree to this, you can see that it will be nothing but grief with two lazy spongers in your home. So why even consider it?
If you get married you would be wise to get legal advice on how you could protect ownership of your house in the future. But consider whether marriage is important, or whether you'd be best staying single.

But if living with op, impacts her as well.

This.

The gov.uk website disagrees with you (at the end of the page).

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

They said the exact words, 'I'll do nails only one day week? And now you've had the backlash about a 16 year not being an adult, its now 18 when they will move in. You're worried about two kids moving in years away from now because they are lazy teens but one is going to the trouble of beauty college with the intend on working 'one day a week' ...

They think they’ll have no rules because they’re adults, or that they’ll have equal say to us because they’ll be adults. SD was recently discussing how she’ll need to redecorate and get a double bed for when her boyfriend stays!

The thing is, even if they were working or studying, and contributing a bit, I’m not sure I would want to live with them indefinitely? I had my share of house shares in my 20s. We’d have one or two young kids, our house is big but not huge and I’ve got no desire to extend or take on more debt to house them permanently. With the way the world is going, I know it’ll be harder and harder for young people without skills, education or work ethic to move out.

Lots of good advice in this thread. The dc are only in their early teens, so a long while to go yet, but their work ethic is showing through. It may only be a small red flag at the moment, but this is one that you shouldn’t ignore, and definitely keep at the back of your mind.

I agree with the others. Hold of marrying this guy. As someone upthread said, you hold the power. The house is yours and being engaged means nothing in reality. If you want do to leave, he has no grounds to fight. Keep your escape route open.

This. It sounds like a dreadful situation and I really feel for you.

Protect yourself and your financial future and don't marry him.

If and when there is any talk about his kids moving in you can lay down (and follow through) very firmly the house rules in YOUR house

But not your problem to sort, especially if not married to dp.

I agree you shouldn’t marry him. If you do, it’s the matrimonial home and he can invite his children to move in. If you don’t, it’s your home, he’s a lodger and he has no rights. Having said that, make sure it’s clear he has no equitable interest in the property - consult a solicitor if necessary.

If you do marry and he insists on the (now adult) children moving in, are you prepared to move out and pay him half the value of your home to avoid living with his children? Because that’s what it may come to.

I do think you need to tell everyone this isn’t happening, though. Your DP’s response may be informative.