To not want SC to move in as adults?

[CynthiaT]

I have two SC, SD13 and SS12. I’ve been with DH for 5 years, a year after his split with his ex.

History: due to his ex having an affair then moving hours away, claiming she was scared of DH so no mediation and it taking six months to get to court due to COVID, the custody schedule is that he has every other weekend and 2/3 of school holidays. He didn’t move closer as he was also a carer for his elderly parents who have since passed. Because of the affair (she is now married to the other man who was previously DH’s friend) relations have never been amicable, but she and I are civil.

DH’s ex and I are pretty different. She tells SC not to bother with homework, she gives them both unrestricted phone/YouTube access, she has never read to them, no bedtimes, TV and phones in rooms, she doesn’t encourage them to wash regularly or do any exercise, she lets them stay off school for minor ailments (to spend the day online instead). As a result, they have absolutely no work ethic, are years behind at school and are both obese. It breaks my heart as they’re great kids and when younger, had lovely energy and enthusiasm. We have been in regular contact with social services and the school over the years. who say it’s parenting style not neglect, and would not warrant a custody change, especially as they’re happy at their mum’s.

Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled). From SC, their mum is saying that it’s DH’s turn to look after them then as she’ll have done the earlier time.

AIBU to say no, you’re not moving in as adults? We do have space, but it’s my house and I’m the breadwinner, and I don’t want to be indefinitely responsible for two workshy adults. If they were doing full-time study or work, I’d consider it, but they don’t want that.

I completely agree with this. Keep your independence.

She has repeatedly messed with the court order. When they were younger she’d claim they were ill or some emergency had happened, now they’re old enough she’ll book something exciting so they cancel, then the exciting thing doesn’t materialise.

It’s tough because of course he wants to see them as much as possible, but it’s natural that they prefer to be somewhere they have no rules. And they’re old enough to decide.

What I don’t want to happen is that they develop anxiety or something else vague, get disability benefits and then never/barely work but expect to be subsidised by us forever to live in our home and have no structure or expectations. I’m really sad that this is what I suspect will happen.

@CynthiaT , when you say you're the breadwinner, do you mean he doesn't work or that you outearn him?

He's a crappy father, allows his parents to walk all over him, his ex to walk all over him and whilst this is going on you're the one picking up the slack.

What's the attraction?

You need to make it clear to them now what your expectations are. That you have zero interest in funding the lifestyles of two grown adults and if they ever move in with you permanently they either need to have a full time job and be paying rent or need to be in full time education with a part time job to prepare them for their futures. You need to make sure the fiance is on the same page as you in that respect too.

Right but he could of still tried to get more custody and steer them in the right direction?
But he hasnt tried clearly and now unfortunately its to late as they are old enough to decide where to live. Sadly this is a case of you reap what you sow, your partner is a bad dad and not a very capable parent.
Hopefully they both grow up and reliese its not normal and become useful members of society.

I don’t know where to start with this. But if you are in the UK you need to stay in some kind of education until 18. They at least need to pass GCSE maths and English at grade 4 otherwise they need to resit. Someone needs to burst their balloon and tell them some truth.

And no don’t get married if you are the house owner and bread winner.

I would be feeling so bad for these teens though, I’d be tempted to let them move in now and give them a fresh start but under your rules.

I out earn him. He works full-time (harder than I do) and sends his ex a lot of maintenance money. It’s supposed to be £500, he pays £750.

Don’t marry him and secure your financials as others have said.

@CynthiaT

Don't get married. It's very clear at this stage that would be a very big mistake. I also wouldn't have any more kids unless you're prepared to go it alone with two kids, you nay be able to.

Do you own the house? I think you said it was yours.

This is going to come to a head at some point so you need to get your ducks in a row in case you need to walk away.

Your partner is at fault here. He is expecting you to shoulder the consequences of his ineffective parenting. He will throw you under the bus to keep avoiding being accountable. Just remember he is also pushing you and doesn't have your back.

I would STRONGLY encourage them to move in with you.

”That’s fantastic. I’m so looking forward to it. We’ll have some house rules to make sure we’re all working together as a family. They include:

Either going to college or getting a job. Nobody does nothing.
You earn your own money - no handouts for anyone. If you have a full time job you pay rent.
We all join the gym and go together at least 4 times a week - this will be great for our mental and physical health
Curfew of 11pm
There will be a rota for cooking and everyone must prepare one meal a week from scratch.”

At no point must you show dismay or anything less than wild enthusiasm for all the things you could do together, how you’ll help them look for a job and get extra qualifications, how you can all go on a fitness journey together. It will be AMAZING 😜

I'm sorry to say but your DP sounds like a really shit dad to these kids. The blame is all on the mum but he in fact is an absent father to them. Whatever they turn into, he will need to take half the responsibility for. He's left them to their mother as that's what easy and convenient for him. Even when it comes to their future it's you who is worried about what they will do and where they will live, not him. Where is he in the picture?? What is his plan? It's just very easy to say oh the crazy ex will withhold contact and just do nothing. I'm not sure I would be happy with a partner of this sort. I would think very strongly about the kind of father he is before birthing more children to him.

Yes but he prioritised looking after his sick and needy (mentally ill, cancer and dementia) parents over fighting for primary custody. He regrets that now and always will but it was a very hard time.

He did go to court, repeatedly, and was told unless he moves to them, he won’t get more custody. And even then it wouldn’t be 50/50, just an extra night in the week when SC wanted it.

ahaha yes

Agreed, also dont have children with this man or history will repeat itself. He needs to go on a parenting course instead of relying on you to parent for him.

So you/he are subsiding her and her partners lifestyle. I wonder if it’s under the radar and the benefits teams are aware.

I would be thrilled if they moved in now, our door has always been open to this and I genuinely think their lives would be improved significantly. But they don’t want to and their mum doesn’t want them to.

Good idea in principle but their dad won't back up the OP, so trying to do this will be meaningless. It won't have the desired effect and the OP will end up with a very horrible battleground in her own house.

Maintenance is irrelevant to benefits claims.

Strictly speaking they are not your step children as you are not married to their father. Engaged yes, married no.

Is your fiancée the father of your child.

Does he have any equity share in your property.

I would be wary believing every word that is uttered by your fiancée children re what their mother says, recollections may vary etc

Do you want to marry a man who is unable to provide housing for his children but whom instead moved in with a woman who luckily had her own house….

Haha I like this!

Ultimately though, and maybe this is me being mean, I don’t want them living with us indefinitely as adults, even if they were contributing. I like my own space.

So I put DH in the post for ease but actually we’re engaged and this situation is giving me cold feet.

We have a toddler and I’d like another.

You are seeing first hand that he's failed his two older DC, why would you want to add more children to this situation. You are going to end up financially supporting you, your DC, him, his DC and by extension his ex-wife and her current partner as he's currently overpaying his child maintenance.

Don't marry this man, do not risk the financial security and home you are providing for yourself and your toddler. The issue here is not the DSC wanting to be influencers while being housed by you, but the fact this man blames everyone else for his passivity, first demanding parents, then a demanding ex, now demanding children. Don't shackle yourself to this guy.

Just tell them ‘no adult will be living under my roof who doesn’t have a full time job. End of!’ Let’s see how long they hold that thought in their head.

I would not marry op. Nor have any further dc. Juggling two as a single parent potentially will weaken your ability to focus on your career.

You have too much to lose.
The answer would be no to adults moving in, they are welcome to visit and stay. Your dp should start saving now for their transition into their own homes. They need intervention and a profession of some kind.

This happened with me.. hold the line .. its been a nightmare.. had 2 dss half thd time after we had been together 2 years. Uoungest moved kn after rows with his mim and it has nearly broken our relstionship.. hes troubled but manifests in self sabotshe wslking out of jobs etc. Because of his mental state we were too soft and didnt havd strong boundaries and he totally took advantage.. his exdh sounds thd same.. create the problem then wslks away when the damage is done. If it happens set uour stall out straight away believe me you need to !