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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want SC to move in as adults?

194 replies

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:11

I have two SC, SD13 and SS12. I’ve been with DH for 5 years, a year after his split with his ex.

History: due to his ex having an affair then moving hours away, claiming she was scared of DH so no mediation and it taking six months to get to court due to COVID, the custody schedule is that he has every other weekend and 2/3 of school holidays. He didn’t move closer as he was also a carer for his elderly parents who have since passed. Because of the affair (she is now married to the other man who was previously DH’s friend) relations have never been amicable, but she and I are civil.

DH’s ex and I are pretty different. She tells SC not to bother with homework, she gives them both unrestricted phone/YouTube access, she has never read to them, no bedtimes, TV and phones in rooms, she doesn’t encourage them to wash regularly or do any exercise, she lets them stay off school for minor ailments (to spend the day online instead). As a result, they have absolutely no work ethic, are years behind at school and are both obese. It breaks my heart as they’re great kids and when younger, had lovely energy and enthusiasm. We have been in regular contact with social services and the school over the years. who say it’s parenting style not neglect, and would not warrant a custody change, especially as they’re happy at their mum’s.

Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled). From SC, their mum is saying that it’s DH’s turn to look after them then as she’ll have done the earlier time.

AIBU to say no, you’re not moving in as adults? We do have space, but it’s my house and I’m the breadwinner, and I don’t want to be indefinitely responsible for two workshy adults. If they were doing full-time study or work, I’d consider it, but they don’t want that.

OP posts:
Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:05

Wowthatwasabigstep · 02/10/2025 11:02

Strictly speaking they are not your step children as you are not married to their father. Engaged yes, married no.

Is your fiancée the father of your child.

Does he have any equity share in your property.

I would be wary believing every word that is uttered by your fiancée children re what their mother says, recollections may vary etc

Do you want to marry a man who is unable to provide housing for his children but whom instead moved in with a woman who luckily had her own house….

He was renting a three-bed before we met, he is solvent and has savings.

They've dropped into conversation that they’ll be living with us as adults repeatedly over the past few months, it’s clearly accepted as a done deal by their mum. My partner’s response is that we’ll cross the bridge when we get to it but that our door should always be open (which I agree to when they’re children, but not as adults, without conditions).

OP posts:
BigFatBully · 02/10/2025 11:06

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:11

I have two SC, SD13 and SS12. I’ve been with DH for 5 years, a year after his split with his ex.

History: due to his ex having an affair then moving hours away, claiming she was scared of DH so no mediation and it taking six months to get to court due to COVID, the custody schedule is that he has every other weekend and 2/3 of school holidays. He didn’t move closer as he was also a carer for his elderly parents who have since passed. Because of the affair (she is now married to the other man who was previously DH’s friend) relations have never been amicable, but she and I are civil.

DH’s ex and I are pretty different. She tells SC not to bother with homework, she gives them both unrestricted phone/YouTube access, she has never read to them, no bedtimes, TV and phones in rooms, she doesn’t encourage them to wash regularly or do any exercise, she lets them stay off school for minor ailments (to spend the day online instead). As a result, they have absolutely no work ethic, are years behind at school and are both obese. It breaks my heart as they’re great kids and when younger, had lovely energy and enthusiasm. We have been in regular contact with social services and the school over the years. who say it’s parenting style not neglect, and would not warrant a custody change, especially as they’re happy at their mum’s.

Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled). From SC, their mum is saying that it’s DH’s turn to look after them then as she’ll have done the earlier time.

AIBU to say no, you’re not moving in as adults? We do have space, but it’s my house and I’m the breadwinner, and I don’t want to be indefinitely responsible for two workshy adults. If they were doing full-time study or work, I’d consider it, but they don’t want that.

SD? SD13? SS12? We're going to need translators on here soon if people keep abbreviating everything.

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:07

Nestingbirds · 02/10/2025 11:03

I would not marry op. Nor have any further dc. Juggling two as a single parent potentially will weaken your ability to focus on your career.

You have too much to lose.
The answer would be no to adults moving in, they are welcome to visit and stay. Your dp should start saving now for their transition into their own homes. They need intervention and a profession of some kind.

Edited

I have a good career and family support. I could easily be a single parent to two and I don’t want my child to be an only child due to her dad’s ex’s “parenting choices.”

I’ll probably further delay the wedding though. It’s a shame because I would like to be married.

OP posts:
Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:08

Suninthe · 02/10/2025 11:03

This happened with me.. hold the line .. its been a nightmare.. had 2 dss half thd time after we had been together 2 years. Uoungest moved kn after rows with his mim and it has nearly broken our relstionship.. hes troubled but manifests in self sabotshe wslking out of jobs etc. Because of his mental state we were too soft and didnt havd strong boundaries and he totally took advantage.. his exdh sounds thd same.. create the problem then wslks away when the damage is done. If it happens set uour stall out straight away believe me you need to !

How old are they now?

OP posts:
Bringyourfoldingchair · 02/10/2025 11:10

Poor kids. Sounds like nobody can be bothered parenting them.

Tiswa · 02/10/2025 11:10

So he is a great Dad but you yourself have said he is prioritising his parents

the fact they are saying that as soon as they have a choice they want to move in with you speaks volumes about the current situation and they want to exit

but Don’t marry him

Ellie56 · 02/10/2025 11:11

I wouldn't have 2 workshy adults moving in. Apart from anything else they will be terrible role models for your child.

And as PP have already said, I wouldn't be getting married . You have far too much to lose.

Roosch · 02/10/2025 11:11

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:11

I have two SC, SD13 and SS12. I’ve been with DH for 5 years, a year after his split with his ex.

History: due to his ex having an affair then moving hours away, claiming she was scared of DH so no mediation and it taking six months to get to court due to COVID, the custody schedule is that he has every other weekend and 2/3 of school holidays. He didn’t move closer as he was also a carer for his elderly parents who have since passed. Because of the affair (she is now married to the other man who was previously DH’s friend) relations have never been amicable, but she and I are civil.

DH’s ex and I are pretty different. She tells SC not to bother with homework, she gives them both unrestricted phone/YouTube access, she has never read to them, no bedtimes, TV and phones in rooms, she doesn’t encourage them to wash regularly or do any exercise, she lets them stay off school for minor ailments (to spend the day online instead). As a result, they have absolutely no work ethic, are years behind at school and are both obese. It breaks my heart as they’re great kids and when younger, had lovely energy and enthusiasm. We have been in regular contact with social services and the school over the years. who say it’s parenting style not neglect, and would not warrant a custody change, especially as they’re happy at their mum’s.

Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled). From SC, their mum is saying that it’s DH’s turn to look after them then as she’ll have done the earlier time.

AIBU to say no, you’re not moving in as adults? We do have space, but it’s my house and I’m the breadwinner, and I don’t want to be indefinitely responsible for two workshy adults. If they were doing full-time study or work, I’d consider it, but they don’t want that.

Honestly?
They sound like deadweights and that I would want nothing to do with.
It would be in your best interests to dump your partner, and keep his whole useless side of the family out of your house.

Nestingbirds · 02/10/2025 11:12

Is your dp likely to be a better father than he is with his first two dc? In the eventuality you split, he might have your dc 50% of the time.

The children were raised by both parents, before her affair - he was a passive bystander in allowing these poor habits to develop from a very young age.

ButSheSaid · 02/10/2025 11:12

Would marrying this man and bringing a fourth child into all this really improve your life?
An easy, peaceful life is an option. (You could have a second kid with someone else)

Tiswa · 02/10/2025 11:13

And stop being naive it isn’t just his ex parenting choices is it. He is solvent he could change this he could fight for them but he hasn’t has he - he has prioritised his parents and his life

they are old enough to choose now if he wanted to fight for them he could so why has t he?

notatinydancer · 02/10/2025 11:13

ComfortFoodCafe · 02/10/2025 10:57

Agreed, also dont have children with this man or history will repeat itself. He needs to go on a parenting course instead of relying on you to parent for him.

Show quote history

She’s already got one and wants another one.

Gizlotsmum · 02/10/2025 11:14

I would say they can move in but there will be a ‘rent’ to be paid, they will need to actively looking for work and they will have house rules. Actually DH should say all of that!

JudgeJ · 02/10/2025 11:14

ClaredeBear · 02/10/2025 10:25

Is there a financial negative financial implication for her once the children turn 16, if they don’t continue with education?

Which could be why she is trying to dump them onto their father, they no longer have a cash value to her. If their father has been paying child support to her presumably that would stop too or, if it goes on until they're 18 then if they move in with their father at 16 will she by paying it?

RosaMundi27 · 02/10/2025 11:15

Omg, do not let these freeloading kids move into your house. They already have an appallingly entitled and unrealistic idea about their lives. Basically, they want to leave school at 16 and move into your house to do bugger all except live off you. You will never be able to get rid of them, and they will wear you down with non-compliance until all your house rules and expectations are reduced to nothing. However nice your partner is, he will be too weak and/or guilty to help. Your own child will suffer the fallout too.
Also - do not marry your partner.

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:17

JudgeJ · 02/10/2025 11:14

Which could be why she is trying to dump them onto their father, they no longer have a cash value to her. If their father has been paying child support to her presumably that would stop too or, if it goes on until they're 18 then if they move in with their father at 16 will she by paying it?

Show quote history

This is exactly it. I don’t know what benefits she gets but she gets a sizeable amount in child maintenance and this will stop when SC stop education. I believe this is when she expects they’ll move in with us.

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 02/10/2025 11:17

This is not worth worrying about right now. You can be noncommittal "oh, you may change your mind when you are older" type comments. You don't know what will change between now and then.

Nestingbirds · 02/10/2025 11:17

I agree that I wouldn’t want anything to do with this unfolding shit show.

They are yet to hit the difficult stage (14 plus) and you might have to take them on full time whether you like it or not. Their mother checked out years ago.

Unruly teens with no boundaries or parenting are exactly the type to really bring home so serious trouble op. You will be knee deep in babies and toddlers and trying to hold down your job, whilst potentially dealing with four kids at home - two of whom could end up pregnant/on drugs/stealing and getting involved with all kinds of serious issues.

I really wouldn’t want my dc growing up around this. The mid teen stage can be challenging even in stable, well disciplined families with two committed parents. I would think long and hard.

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:18

Tiswa · 02/10/2025 11:13

And stop being naive it isn’t just his ex parenting choices is it. He is solvent he could change this he could fight for them but he hasn’t has he - he has prioritised his parents and his life

they are old enough to choose now if he wanted to fight for them he could so why has t he?

We do speak with them often about how they’re welcome to move in with us; they don’t want to (like their mum’s rules, don’t want to do homework, have more friends near hers).

OP posts:
Suninthe · 02/10/2025 11:18

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:08

How old are they now?

Show quote history

19 and 21.. eldest is fine youngest turnjng a corner now but been really hard work and meant my own young adults at uni always had to stay with their dad as we didnt have room.. cue resentment from me as the main breadwinner and ive struggled with the youngest alot..lots of blackmail from his ex saying i was going to make him hoomeless etc. Basically didnt allow him to go back to hers at all even when things wrre tough here. If it happens though you set the rules.. work or college contribute around the house etc. Pay board etc !! Learn to drive... omg the money we threw at drivkng lessons when hd couldn't be bothrred !! I just feel we were mugs.. kind ones but still mugs...

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:19

Nestingbirds · 02/10/2025 11:17

I agree that I wouldn’t want anything to do with this unfolding shit show.

They are yet to hit the difficult stage (14 plus) and you might have to take them on full time whether you like it or not. Their mother checked out years ago.

Unruly teens with no boundaries or parenting are exactly the type to really bring home so serious trouble op. You will be knee deep in babies and toddlers and trying to hold down your job, whilst potentially dealing with four kids at home - two of whom could end up pregnant/on drugs/stealing and getting involved with all kinds of serious issues.

I really wouldn’t want my dc growing up around this. The mid teen stage can be challenging even in stable, well disciplined families with two committed parents. I would think long and hard.

I honestly don’t think she’ll get offload them until it makes financial sense to her. So these SC could be fully off the rails by the time they’re sent to us.

OP posts:
IleSolitude · 02/10/2025 11:20

OP, you sound like a really nice, thoughtful person and I completely understand your misgivings about the children's current plans to move in.

I feel that some posters may be being harsh on your DP - it sounds like he was in a tough situation and was at least trying, even if with hindsight it wasn't the best approach.

HOWEVER, please please take a long step back, and assess what is in you and your child's best interests right now. As much as you would like to be married, which I understand, it's almost certainly not in your interests to marry now. Speaking from bitter experience, please don't give up your financial security. No-one can predict what will happen in a relationship as time goes on and if you give up that security now, it's very likely you will never get it back. If you want another child, you can still do that without being married; if you do have another child, there is all the more reason to make sure that you're secure.

VickyEadieofThigh · 02/10/2025 11:21

Motnight · 02/10/2025 10:40

Don't marry him.

This. Really, don't.

Nestingbirds · 02/10/2025 11:22

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:19

I honestly don’t think she’ll get offload them until it makes financial sense to her. So these SC could be fully off the rails by the time they’re sent to us.

Show quote history

Yes and fully off the rails with a new born and a toddler is going to be off the scale stressful. Their mother may not wait until they are older, if it gets too tricky, they are likely to start lashing out about their mother’s neglect at some point, so I wouldn’t bank on them staying with her.

I have teens and young adults, and a huge circle of friends in the same boat, having very different experiences…. Put it that way.

Tropicana46 · 02/10/2025 11:23

Bringyourfoldingchair · 02/10/2025 11:10

Poor kids. Sounds like nobody can be bothered parenting them.

Tbf OP has said she'd be fine with them moving in with them now but they don't want to due to the house rules. She just doesn't want them mooching off her after leaving school - they don't want to work, they want to be full time influencers, which would be fine if they wanted to build up a following whilst working another job but that's not their plan.