To not want SC to move in as adults?

[CynthiaT]

I have two SC, SD13 and SS12. I’ve been with DH for 5 years, a year after his split with his ex.

History: due to his ex having an affair then moving hours away, claiming she was scared of DH so no mediation and it taking six months to get to court due to COVID, the custody schedule is that he has every other weekend and 2/3 of school holidays. He didn’t move closer as he was also a carer for his elderly parents who have since passed. Because of the affair (she is now married to the other man who was previously DH’s friend) relations have never been amicable, but she and I are civil.

DH’s ex and I are pretty different. She tells SC not to bother with homework, she gives them both unrestricted phone/YouTube access, she has never read to them, no bedtimes, TV and phones in rooms, she doesn’t encourage them to wash regularly or do any exercise, she lets them stay off school for minor ailments (to spend the day online instead). As a result, they have absolutely no work ethic, are years behind at school and are both obese. It breaks my heart as they’re great kids and when younger, had lovely energy and enthusiasm. We have been in regular contact with social services and the school over the years. who say it’s parenting style not neglect, and would not warrant a custody change, especially as they’re happy at their mum’s.

Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled). From SC, their mum is saying that it’s DH’s turn to look after them then as she’ll have done the earlier time.

AIBU to say no, you’re not moving in as adults? We do have space, but it’s my house and I’m the breadwinner, and I don’t want to be indefinitely responsible for two workshy adults. If they were doing full-time study or work, I’d consider it, but they don’t want that.

Of course it is, because their father is also the father to my child(ren). I’d need to decide whether to break up my children’s home and my relationship or not. That has a huge impact on me and my children.

When I got together with my partner, I assumed we’d be paying for them as children and helping them out as young adults. Not housing them indefinitely.

Your partner and his ex and DCs have it well worked out between them, don’t they?
You’ll be housing and financially supporting three adults as well as yourself and your joint dc(s). All nicely sorted.
For heaven’s sake OP, be highly grateful that they’ve given you clear warning of their intentions and chuck them all out ffs!
They must be rubbing their hands in glee.

Agree with this. It’s years away. They go through a lot of changes in so many ways at this age. Deal with this if and when it becomes an actual issue.

You could make it clear to your live in that his children will not be moving in with you unless there's significant changes shown before that happens.

Rules would be set down. School or working. No pay, no play. Chores assigned. They become part of the family team. They pay rent. They don't like it, they go back to mom's.

The thing is, you know he's not going to agree. He won't push anything with them because he's more afraid of their not liking him than the fallout of being the responsible parent raising kids for an independent future as full adults. And you'll be stuck with spoiled wannabe influencers while trying to raise your own child around teens who don't work or go to school. His daughter's plan of doing nails, where would she be doing that? Rent a space? Or in your home now complete with some toxic fumes and chemicals for your child to be exposed to and get into.

If they move in, it's going to be miserable, you're going to resent the shit out of them and him because they're the results of his shit parenting along with his ex's and you'll be stuck with it. And they won't like you much either. Tension for breakfast, lunch and dinner, how's that sound?

What I really would do is make it clear when they bring it up that their plan isn't your plan. Make it clear to your live in that if the day comes when they expect to move in with him, he'll have to find his own place with them.

Whatever you do, don't marry this dude. Don't have another kid with him.

It sounds such unrealistic bollocks - the talk about nails and boyfriends, how they will be influencers, not work but live with the OP full time. All sounds like rage-bait. As if a 12/13 year old who seems somewhat reluctant to stay at their dads at the moment would be talking like that. Oh and the obese mum who pretends to be disabled.

You'd never get rid of them! 18 years old are adults. They need to get their own place!

SD’s latest plan is that she’ll do nails from home for a day a week

That'll be your home then. Fuck that.

They sound very entitled. Do NOT let them move into YOUR house!!

If this is real, it’s idiocy and there is something wrong with you, getting upset and blaming children for something that may possibly happen in 5 years. they are 12 and 13, of course they say silly things about leaving school and becoming influencers, that’s what children do. you are marrying this man so they will become your step children, but you want to bar them from their father’s home. in this day and age many children live with their parents past 18, sometimes it’s the only option. why become involved with someone with children if you can’t see them as family? these are your child’s siblings…

also, it’s your partner and his ex’s fault if the children are struggling, not theirs.

This doesn't sound like a great situation for you at all - if you are the breadwinner and it is your house, please don't get married or allow your workshy adult step children (when they are adults) to move in. There is no way this will end well for you (although I guess as taxpayers we should be grateful, else we will be paying for them). Apart from the financial implications, the situation will definitely cause resentment to build up and cause a huge strain on your relationship.

Of if they have a health condition/disability or are carers.

I stand corrected. I always thought it was!

It should be in my view but that would require the government to actually enforce child support against deadbeat dads (it’s not counted because so many men DON’T pay, enforcement is frequently useless and their children would starve if it was assumed to have been paid when calculating benefits.).

It’s this reply that has rattled the thread. It was worked out between the four of them, without you. It’s your house!!

This is an extremely telling development.

I probably wouldn’t spend any time thinking about it at this point, it’s years away and they will have changed their mind multiple times by then. However I would have the same expectations as I would for my own children, if you’re not learning your earning and contributing to the household.

For me it’s not so much whether or not the children move in that needs thinking about now, it’s the attitude of their father.

He is making decisions about property he doesn’t currently own without getting any input from the owner of said property. The OP needs to decide if that’s acceptable before she marries him / has another child with him. That decision is not years away. It’s right now.

Firstly I would question the decisions made without your input and foot down straight away.

Then, hold off marriage until the time comes when SC might make a move. No one knows what will happen there.

Thirdly, as a woman with her own home and the breadwinner, you need to assert yourself far more. You actually hold a lot of the cards here. Do not be a doormat for anyone.

Lastly, and this is just me possibly, but I would not blend families for anyone. I am sure there are very successful "blendings" out there, but I would not be a fan at all. Too many ways for things to go belly up and no one is happy.

It used to be taken into consideration and counted as income for benefits purposes years ago and this above was the exact reason why that situation was stopped. Women and children going without even the small amount of money the government says a person needs for survival, due to the men not paying up and nobody enforcing it.

💯. He's marrying her so he can take control of her assets. If she doesn't play ball, he'll divorce her and take half of everything.

OP the way he's acting now is how he thinks it's acceptable to act within marriage. In his mind, he's as good as there and the finishing post is just a formality at this point. He's been holding himself back the entire relationship, deferring to you a little because you held the power and could easily walk away if he pissed you off, not because he considered you an equal partner who things deserved to be discussed with. Now with the engagement he feels he owns you (and everything you have). He feels he's The Man Of The House and doesn't need to consult you or consider you in anything from now on.

It’s 100% their parents’ fault. I’m not blaming them for their influences. I’d very happily have them move in here tomorrow. But not as adults, with the expectation of being subsidised to work less than us indefinitely.

If they lived here we could embed a work ethic, we could set expectations, and we could support them. That’s much easier to do for young teens than full grown adults.

I’ve always said to him that his children will always have a home with us. When he gave up his rented house, we agreed they’d always have bedrooms and we talked about how, if anything happened to their mum or custody changed, they could end up with us full time. That was all fine by me.

What I didn’t expect was that this would be unending even when they were adults.

I think moving in adult DSC who have no intention of having productive lives would significantly negatively impact your children's lives.

So do I. It makes me absolutely furious because SC have so much potential but they’re being groomed into a life which will be shit.

"Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled)."

"They've dropped into conversation that they’ll be living with us as adults repeatedly over the past few months, it’s clearly accepted as a done deal by their mum."
Don't let that go by without a response! Every time it's mentioned you bring up jobs - what do they want to do, what sort of jobs there are round your way, what qualifications they're going to need, they need to be aiming for a job that pays enough for them to live on, you don't want to only be able to afford a bedsit when you're 30, yadda yadda yadda. Crowbar it into the conversation if you need to, but make sure 'jobs' and 'working' and 'earning' are drip-drip-dripped into their ears. Laugh lightly at the idea of being a social media influencer 'that's like being a pop star, a handful make a living from it and everyone else just wastes their life wanting something they're never going to be'. Be brutal about 'influencers'. If they counter that their mum has a great lifestyle only working 10 hours point out (be brutal!) that that's because their dad gives their mum money for them, that lifestyle cannot be financed on 10 hours work. Don't they want more for themselves?

"My partner’s response is that we’ll cross the bridge when we get to it but that our door should always be open (which I agree to when they’re children, but not as adults, without conditions)."
Nope, it'll be too late by then. His Ex is clearly planning ahead for the end of child maintenance, and you two need to too, or she'll completely outflank you. He needs to give his head a wobble and do right (belatedly) to his children by harping on about jobs, working, earning, qualifications. And he needs to start that ASAP. If it puts them off coming, so be it - that will spike his Ex's plans to offload them at 16 onto you. She won't like that and may actually start to see that the only way she'll get rid of her little cash cows when they're no longer bringing in child maintenance for her is to have them actually earning, and that can only be good for the children.

You are right to be paying attention to this now, because if you don't do it now you'll be ambushed later.

Oh, and don't marry him - keep your house yours. Because if you marry him in the present situation, your house will effectively be forfeit to his ex-wife. So don't.

It’s very difficult to enforce the ‘they have to stay in education until they are 18’ rule. We regularly have children younger than that drop out of education- mostly to work- under 16 and in practice after fining etc there is not a lot they will do.

Once the kids can get to your home on their own, the whole “mum might keep them from me” is pretty much over. That’s fair enough when they’re toddlers but I can’t see her having much sway now.