To not want SC to move in as adults?

[CynthiaT]

I have two SC, SD13 and SS12. I’ve been with DH for 5 years, a year after his split with his ex.

History: due to his ex having an affair then moving hours away, claiming she was scared of DH so no mediation and it taking six months to get to court due to COVID, the custody schedule is that he has every other weekend and 2/3 of school holidays. He didn’t move closer as he was also a carer for his elderly parents who have since passed. Because of the affair (she is now married to the other man who was previously DH’s friend) relations have never been amicable, but she and I are civil.

DH’s ex and I are pretty different. She tells SC not to bother with homework, she gives them both unrestricted phone/YouTube access, she has never read to them, no bedtimes, TV and phones in rooms, she doesn’t encourage them to wash regularly or do any exercise, she lets them stay off school for minor ailments (to spend the day online instead). As a result, they have absolutely no work ethic, are years behind at school and are both obese. It breaks my heart as they’re great kids and when younger, had lovely energy and enthusiasm. We have been in regular contact with social services and the school over the years. who say it’s parenting style not neglect, and would not warrant a custody change, especially as they’re happy at their mum’s.

Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled). From SC, their mum is saying that it’s DH’s turn to look after them then as she’ll have done the earlier time.

AIBU to say no, you’re not moving in as adults? We do have space, but it’s my house and I’m the breadwinner, and I don’t want to be indefinitely responsible for two workshy adults. If they were doing full-time study or work, I’d consider it, but they don’t want that.

You’re catastrophizing which is easily done when you are in your position. If what you are talking about is in 3 to 4 years time, things will change between now and then.

Thanks for answering. I was hoping he isn't also modelling the behaviour in their other household.

If 2 of the 4 adults in their lives are just dossing about, it's hardly surprising they want to do the same.

It's a pity your partner didn't raise them himself, as their prospects might be so much different.

I wouldn't want them living with me as adults either. It will be too much hard work to 'fix' what they've become accustomed to; and you may find their dad feels the need to enable the foolishness.

I also wouldn't be marrying him either. That opens up a whole new set of vulnerabilities for you. No thanks 😔.

I wouldn’t be having them
move in at all. Not now. The damage has been done, and you will be left to clear up the train wreck that was not of your making. As well as paying for everything. Teens are extraordinarily expensive.

That does not mean she has to have another, or has to do so with a partner who prioritises his parents over his offspring.

They are old enough to choose but they have had they're happy at mum's for now.

What's the point of spending money on lawyers when they will just say they want to stay at their mum's?

Is the maintenance getting spent on the kids? If not, I would reduce to £500.

For a start , education has to continue in some form until they are 18. Do thehy know this?

Like you, I would not be happy either. I too would not consider influecing to be a FT job - side hustle perhaps, but not reliable enough to live on when they are first starting.

Surely they will get careers advice at school ?
Perhaps encourage them to expore options - visit colleges with them . Get their dad to step up too !

Me too, and save the difference for driving lessons and a flat deposit

I think I’d be explaining life style chocies
and expectations. Assuming you and DH work full time, that is your expection of them when/if they decide to move in with you. They contribute to the cleaning, cooking and expense of running a house. My DS thought he might take a gap year before uni, absolutely no problem with that, but we made it clear he wasn’t going to be financially supported during that time.

Good idea.

Wow, I’m sorry that it affected your relationship with your own kids. It must have been incredibly hard.

Luckily we are in a position whereby we could afford to house all the children, either together or separately if necessary.

My DH's ex was exactly like this. He sent £500 a month till she was out of full time education so she was in education until she was 23.

Then his ex said it was "her time" now and we could "take DSD on". She had lived on benefits for decades.

DSD has significant learning disabilities and has lived with us for 8 years, but she's never going to work more than a few hours a week. She doesn't wash or tidy thigh she does her own laundry now. She's never going to leave.

I appreciate your DSC are not as disabled but you need to limit their expectations now or you'll be stuck with them.

Honestly, probably not, but maybe once you consider their family holidays and takeaways.

When SC have school trips, he pays then deducts the money from the £750 because otherwise she’d keep it and not pay for the trips. Last time that happened we didn’t see SC for over a month. They were “ill.” It’s easy to say just reduce the money but SC are very enmeshed with their mother and believe everything she says. If the choice is between being morally right and having a backbone or seeing your kids, it’s tough.

I’m sorry that happened to you.

SC aren’t disabled (their mum and stepdad allegedly are) but I strongly fear that by the time they’re no longer cash cows, they’ll believe they’re too depressed or anxious or whatever to work. Which, yes, probably will happen if they’re morbidly obese, spending 16hrs a day on their phones and doing 3k steps a day. It’s horrific.

OP…don’t you think you’ve already made enough bad decisions already (you’re not the only one, but still)? How can you be so flippant about the fact that you’d happily condemn your child/ren to not having a father as a constant presence in their lives just because of a want? Also “easily”? How naive. Family stability and security are really important for children and two parents are a really important part of this.

You can’t go back in time and not get caught up in this whole shitty situation, but you can not bring another child into this. It’s not about what’s fair for you, it’s about what best for this hypothetical child you haven’t had yet and really shouldn’t. Obviously don’t marry him but then I don’t think you should have mixed households or had a kid with him in the first place - he’s not a good father.

It’s not for me to tell you what to do, that’s just my perspective and opinion. I don’t wish to be unkind about you or your life but I guess the point of using a forum is to gather a range of views. Also I know I haven’t addressed the main issue but that concerns me less, I wouldn’t let them move in as adults, perhaps with some very strict rules, but probably not, they’ll never move out.

Kicking the can down the road is probably unhelpful in terms of expectations. I think I would be saying to everyone that the kids either move in with you for the GCSE years, or they don't move in at all. That way there may be some incentive for them to knuckle down now, rather than (in their eyes) the rug being pulled out from under them when it's 'too late'?
I don't think that would be an unreasonable position for you to adopt.

I think if they raised it again I’d say

you’re really welcome here. Our expectations though are that you are in full time employment or study. We’d love to support you in that but for now, focus on doing well in school as that will set you up best for success.

Then leave it. They are young and ideas/plans come and go.

Am assuming someone else will mention it, but do NOT marry this man (yet at least). YOUR house will become a joint marital asset and you could potentially lose half of it if everything with his DC goes belly up.

I’d be very clear that a) his kids are not moving into YOUR home unless rules are established and they are working/contributing and b) that unless you can find a legal instrument that makes the house yours and yours only, in the event of marrying DP/anyone, you will not be marrying him in the near future.

So I put DH in the post for ease but actually we’re engaged and this situation is giving me cold feet.
We have a toddler and I’d like another.

You may be better on not marrying - though you could still have another child just based on not marrying.

TBH this is five years out and I think all you have to do is gently push back and laugh it off - or a simple under my roof it's work or study or both no exceptions or slowly raise idea they can do more - they should start hearing this from school and peers as well.

Their dad has equal responsibility to their mum for his children.

You have accepted that he is a dad, by being in a relationship with him.

However, that doesn't mean that there isn't a reasonable discussion and expectations set about what this looks like going ahead. This includes you, the DC’s and their mum.
Financial, chores, rules, longer term expectations. If they don't meet these, they can't expect to move in/continue to be with you.

This is the same conversation we have with all of our children.

Their dad isn’t completely wishy-washy. He’s spent tens of thousands on court.

When I met the kids, they were bright, fun, enthusiastic about school, healthy weights. Things have taken a turn for the worse since SD turned about ten and got a phone.

Honestly, I would say no. And I wouldn't get married or have another child. This has the potential to go bad very, very quickly.

Christ .
If it's your house and you own it ...don't bloody marry him
He sounds like a right wet lettuce

I've voted YABU just because you are taking the word of two 13 and 12 years old teens too deep and too serious.
Influencers? Yes, sure they can start having work ethics now. It is not that simple. Moving with you? Yes, sure we will see if they don't change their mind in a year.
YANBU to be concern about the two other fully grown adults leaching you and taking you for granted, but I wouldn't read too much into the kids words.

Agreed. I think you need to stop planning your life based on what might happen in 5 years. I’m getting vibes that if you got what you wanted it would be ok. But you can’t trust any promises or assurances made now to last. You can’t put down imaginary ground rules for 4 years time. Things change people change and it’ll be too late when it all goes to shit.

i think it would be a good investment to get a 6/12 sessions with a counsellor to explore all of this, it will help you navigate p