Ds21 and new “girlfriend”

[bluebot]

Ds21 met a girl a couple of weeks ago and has seen her maybe 3/4 times.
Hes wanting to bring her home to meet me and sit in his room with her. Promises he wont do “anything”I’ve said no AIBU?

Bit of back story. All he does is live in his room when he’s not at work or out with friends. He does nothing in the house to help anyone. He has 2 younger sisters. He never really interacts with any of us, only when it suits him.
Hes had 2 girlfriends in the past year. One he was with for 6 months the other for 3 weeks. I feel he has no respect for the girls he sees. He always ends up falling in love (so he says) really quick then just leaves them and goes back to his mates when he’s bored.

This said girl he sneaked into the house last Saturday night and had sex with her in the bathroom whilst we were all in bed. I heard them!!
He sneaked her back out again the next morning. I was really angry, he’s only known her a week or so at that time.

I know DP (his step dad) won’t be happy about this. He doesn’t know about Saturday. He thinks ds treats the house like an hotel and comes and goes when he wants. Contributes nothing to the house and says if he wants to do what he pleases he should look at moving out. Apart from this they get on ok

So am I wrong for seeing no?

It may be time for him to move out and get his own place, or a room in a flatshare.

It is like you’re talking about someone you despise op

not your young adult son

I don’t despise him at all. He’s my first born child and we’ve been through a lot together. I just don’t like the way he’s turned out or the way he treats the girls he meets.
He reminds me of his father and I don’t want him turning out like him

Time for him to sort his life out. He needs a job first and foremost and he needs to start do his own housework. No reason at all why he can't wash his own clothes and cook his own food. That would concern me more than the girl stuff to be honest. I assume, if he does nothing, that you are doing everything for him?

He’s 21, exactly the time you gave these “flash in a pan” relationships.

Maybe the young women involved are perfectly happy with the situation. When I was that age I was sneaking men into the house, and didn’t want a relationship with any of them.

That said, if you don’t want him having sex in your house, you need to tell him.

TBH he sounds like he’s behaving like a regular 21 year old, a bit self-centred.. but not really doing anything particularly bad.

Moving out might not be a bad idea, if he has the means.

He does have a job. Yes I do everything for him which I know is my own fault

Well you do everything for him

but then despise him for it

this situation is the upshot of many many years of poor parenting op 🤷‍♀️

He has a job it's right there in the OP.

i agree he is behaving like a normal 21 year old. I just don’t want him doing it in my house or meeting these girls when I know in a few weeks a new one will be in the scene. The last 2 girls he had he really hurt them with his “boredom” of them

If he wants to be treated like and adult and be able to have guests round/stop overnight, then he needs to start acting like an adult.

As a minimum he should be financially contributing to the household, proportionate to his income. He certainly should be contributing towards household chores, and he should be treating everyone who lives there with respect which includes at least basic interactions and not having sex in communal areas.

If he wants to treat the place like a sex brothel then he needs to pay rent.
also.. sex in your bathroom?! Why didnt he use his bedroom? Ick.

He is a 21 year old adult who is using his mother as his housekeeper and uses women as his sex providers.

You should ask him to move out. You might not be able to change his attitude to the women he has sex with but you can stop him using your house as a hotel.

You need to get him to look after himself and do appropriate chores in the house, he needs to pay his way too but he also then needs to get adult privileges which includes bringing a girl home, but you earn that right by acting like a responsible adult first. Having a no one night stands in the house policy is quite reasonable but not once they are in a relationship

How on earth do you know these girls have felt really hurt?

what you could suggest is that he invites his girlfriend over at the weekend for lunch so you can properly meet her.

You won’t though

I don’t fully understand what you are cross about.

Boys/young men of his age do tend to live in their rooms. They are not particularly helpful housemates.

Plus two previous girls in a year is not extreme at all! It is perfectly normal not to enter into committed relationships at this age. Having loud sex in the bathroom is pretty gross & selfish, yes, but I’d just say ‘what the f* Son, I do not wish to hear your sex life! Please do it quietly! Respect my bathroom!’

You mention being reminded of his father- are you sure the real issue is not perhaps that you are projecting his father onto him?

Also, does your DH dislike him? (It sounds like he does.) Are you perhaps allowing yourself to be influenced by DH dislike into rejecting DS? Is this at root a DH issue?

DS sounds pretty normal specimen of his age to me, & I think a 21 year old living at home should be allowed to have sex there other than in very unusual circumstances. I would try being welcoming to the new girl. Maybe she is lovely.

Your distaste for your son is clear, I don’t think it’s fair to liken him to your ex just because he’s got 2 ex girlfriends and is seeing a different girl. He’s allowed to have relationships! It sounds like your partner doesn’t like him either so I wonder how much of that you’ve gotten from him.

Stop doing everything for him, have a proper conversation with him and lay out his responsibilities in the house - paying rent, buying his own food, his share of the housework.

You can’t just suddenly stop doing everything

unless you want an absolute shit show of drama

he is like this because of two decades of parenting like this.

So you need to come together and find a way of
making changes together.

however given you don’t seem to like him, I think that will be hard

I was married at 21

Ah, another mum who created the monster, only to be unhappy with the end result.

You do everything for him, expect nothing of him, let a working adult live for free in your home. What did you expect exactly?

If he’s treating women like shit, I bet it’s because you’ve been his maid and housekeeper his entire life. You’ve shown him that women are there to provide for him.

Ok, so he has a job and friends.

time to move out because what he wants to do is perfectly normal for his age.

Who he's dating is irrelevant but he should be completely functional and doing housework, cooking etc. as standard.
What's your boyfriends issue with the adult man coming and going as he pleases?

Okay. So lets break this down.
He does nothing in the house: what have you tried to do so far to change this, and what happens, what does he say about it?
You think he discards girls when he is bored and they are upset: are you saying he is dumping these girls in cruel ways (and if so, how do you know) or is he just dumping them and then they get upset because they've been dumped (normal)
You say he has no respect: what makes you think that, whats he doing/saying?
This recent girl - i know you've said no to meeting her as that seems to be after the sex incident - have you ever told him that you dont want one night stands coming home? Have you told him clear rules like 'i dont want anyone coming to the house or staying over unless you've been together x months' and he's been breaking them?

Yes. Not exactly his fault. 🙄

I agree with this - it’s so easy to jump straight in to ‘women can’t possibly want flings’. Many women at that young age want this just as much as the guys do.

I think YABU for judging him on his lifestyle at this point. At that age it is very much relationships, friendships, having a bit of fun. You mentioned he works so it’s not exactly like he bums around all the time.

When I was in my early 20s I didn’t have the urge to sit and hang out with my family, I was living with them as I dropped out of uni and while I found my feet I moved back in with family. I was out all the time, my job and my friends were my life. It was only later on (late 20s) that I started to mellow down and my family orientation kicked back in. I settled down, got in to a long term relationship and had kids and bought a home. Now I love Sunday dinners, spending time with family. Your boy will likely get there at some point.

What YANBU about is not wanting that behaviour in your house (the sex and sneaking around), as it is also your space and your younger girls. That can only be resolved by him finding a place of his own or you firmly putting down boundaries so he has to find alternative venues. But it needs to come from a place of ‘do what you want it’s your life but I’m not having you bring flings back to the house. Bring a long term girlfriend back and we will welcome her with open arms’. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

DP is right. Time for him to spread his wings and move out. It’ll make for a much nicer home for your other children.