Ds21 and new “girlfriend”

[bluebot]

Ds21 met a girl a couple of weeks ago and has seen her maybe 3/4 times.
Hes wanting to bring her home to meet me and sit in his room with her. Promises he wont do “anything”I’ve said no AIBU?

Bit of back story. All he does is live in his room when he’s not at work or out with friends. He does nothing in the house to help anyone. He has 2 younger sisters. He never really interacts with any of us, only when it suits him.
Hes had 2 girlfriends in the past year. One he was with for 6 months the other for 3 weeks. I feel he has no respect for the girls he sees. He always ends up falling in love (so he says) really quick then just leaves them and goes back to his mates when he’s bored.

This said girl he sneaked into the house last Saturday night and had sex with her in the bathroom whilst we were all in bed. I heard them!!
He sneaked her back out again the next morning. I was really angry, he’s only known her a week or so at that time.

I know DP (his step dad) won’t be happy about this. He doesn’t know about Saturday. He thinks ds treats the house like an hotel and comes and goes when he wants. Contributes nothing to the house and says if he wants to do what he pleases he should look at moving out. Apart from this they get on ok

So am I wrong for seeing no?

Damned right

and my ds is 20, and his gf had to move in with us this year due to awful home situation

I trust him, they live together here, I don’t try and control his relationships

@bluebot youre out of order here, stop treating him like a baby, reset this relationship and you’ll lose the resentment. He’s a full grown man ffs.

when I was his age I was living half way around the world on my own

Tricky. He is 21, an adult. Should be allowed to have sex with his girlfriend. However he lives with his parents and his siblings so it's just not that simple.
It's a shame it's almost impossible for kids to move out with the current cost of everything, because being 21 living with my parents telling g me I couldn't see my boyfriend would do my absolute head in.

Have you arranged lunch with just your son this weekend Op?

I’ve let her come over. She came Thursday night, said hi to us all and then they went and watched a film in his room. I’m ok with this. It’s just I’m not ready for her to be staying over just yet. They’ve only been together a couple of weeks and I’ve only met her once.
i don’t really want to be hearing him having sex, not when I’ve got 2 younger girls in the house.

I’ve asked him if he wants to go for lunch tomorrow he said he will if he’s not working. He’s at work now and will find out if he’s working tomorrow so will let me know later on

So oh Thursday night she came over and didn’t stay over?

If not lunch, then dinner
make it happen op
it’s clear the issue is more than just him having loud sex

What was his reaction when you suggested lunch together?

@Curledup14 Yes she came over Thursday for a few hours then went home.

When I asked him if he wanted to go out for food he said “ what just us 2” so I said yes why? He just said ok if you want but it’s a bit weird a 21 year old going for food with his mum.

Just the response i would expect from my lovely 20 year old DS!

but it’s really nice op. Don’t drop the ball on this one.

and he respected you in Thursday night. Take the wins

When I started reading this I thought the no part was harsh, but he’s shown no respect to you, your family or your home. Your house, your rules. My parents didn’t allow it. I had two younger brothers. DH mum did and that’s fine. Each to their own. He’s 21 and old enough to know better. I’m not saying I wouldn’t allow my kids to bring BF/GFs back when they’re older, but it’s the sneaking part that would rattle me I think. It’s childish Maybe have that conversation with him and if he takes it like an adult go on from there

I have spoken to him about that. His response was sorry we was drunk!
I wouldn’t have dared sneak a bf into my parents house at any age and no way would I have “loud” sex in the bathroom or any room. I wouldn’t have liked to hear my parents at it and I’m sure they wouldn’t me neither. It’s about respect

Don’t get yourself riled op

he respected you on Thursday
and now you might be having lunch just with him

If he is working he should be contributing.

I had conversations with DS while he was still school age about uni/jobs/costs and that included the expectation to contribute when he got a job.

I do a lot of stuff for him - he gets PIP so if he moved out then he would be paying for support, so I appreciate he needs assistance.

I also had conversations with him when he was being a feral little shit around 14/15 that if he wants to be treated like an adult then he has to behave like one.

But these conversations and expectations were part of him growing up so he knew what was what.

I suggest a blunt conversation that either he is part of the family unit and he contributes to it, or he isn't. And if he isn't, then he needs to sort his own laundry and buy his own food etc.

I know. I’ve moved on from it now. I’m not one to dwell on things.
Hopefully this is a fresh start for us both

Hmm … How have you failed to teach him the nuanced difference between ‘going out for lunch’ and ‘going for food’? 😅

Oh leave him alone!

Well it may not be lunch time when we go. If he’s working it could be anytime. So we just say we will go out for some food at some point in the day

Sorry wrong reply

Did you get some 1-2-1 time with him op?

Not today. He’s only just got back from work. He’s going straight in the shower then going out for the night with his new girlfriend.
He's not working tomorrow so hopefully we will get some time tomorrow

As long as he knows you were keen and not going to let it drop

No not going to let it drop. Even if we don’t go for lunch tomorrow, it will just be us 2 in the house for a good few hours. I will make sure we speak one way or the other

Oh definitely make it a nice thing
I wasn’t suggesting lunch together as an opportunity to go over issues
it seems to me like this relationship needs to be improved

Has his father contributed to the way he's turned out at all?