Ds21 and new “girlfriend”

[bluebot]

Ds21 met a girl a couple of weeks ago and has seen her maybe 3/4 times.
Hes wanting to bring her home to meet me and sit in his room with her. Promises he wont do “anything”I’ve said no AIBU?

Bit of back story. All he does is live in his room when he’s not at work or out with friends. He does nothing in the house to help anyone. He has 2 younger sisters. He never really interacts with any of us, only when it suits him.
Hes had 2 girlfriends in the past year. One he was with for 6 months the other for 3 weeks. I feel he has no respect for the girls he sees. He always ends up falling in love (so he says) really quick then just leaves them and goes back to his mates when he’s bored.

This said girl he sneaked into the house last Saturday night and had sex with her in the bathroom whilst we were all in bed. I heard them!!
He sneaked her back out again the next morning. I was really angry, he’s only known her a week or so at that time.

I know DP (his step dad) won’t be happy about this. He doesn’t know about Saturday. He thinks ds treats the house like an hotel and comes and goes when he wants. Contributes nothing to the house and says if he wants to do what he pleases he should look at moving out. Apart from this they get on ok

So am I wrong for seeing no?

Have you asked him to remember to be polite and greet people briefly when he comes in and when he leaves.

My DS did this on his return from Uni - all wrapped up in his busy life - I mentioned that it could come across as hostile or rude and he was mortified and corrected himself.

Yes I have and he doesn’t care. This is what I mean when I talk about respect for us all. He just doesn’t care.

He says he can’t help how he is, he’s awkward and has social anxiety. In his words. Yet I hear him on the phone to his friends all happy and jolly. It’s just with us

Then what consequences have you instigated for non cooperation?

You don’t seem to be aware that you hold all the cards here.

You have agency and have many levers to pull - use of appliances, WiFi, food etc.

When mine were young and at home and had chores to be done I literally didn’t dish up their dinner until chores were done or shoes / bags moved from hallway etc.

Communicate:

1. Task / expectations
2. Deadline
3. Consequence

Then just do it.

There isn’t much I can say. He doesn’t use wifi, he doesn’t need it, he just sits on his phone in his room. He doesn’t play Xbox or watch tv, just his phone.

I cant take his phone off him or take his car keys away. I’ve told him he needs to start helping out in the house and having respect for others and clean up after himself or he can find somewhere else to live. He will then just say ok then I will, I want to move out.

He would never be able to live alone due to not managing his money. He will get paid on a Friday and be asking to lend money off me come Monday. All he cares about is going out drinking, seeing his friends and meeting girls.

Then expects me to be happy to let these girls come to our house whenever he wants them to

You’ve taken me by surprise there, I can’t even remember where I wrote that. But my point is, when you choose to live with your parents as a young adult you have to accept it’s their way or the door. I didn’t want to move out for financial reasons (In hindsight it might have been the making of me, I’m terrible with money) so I was friendly (especially to the man that paid the bills) did chores, paid keep etc.

So are you going to focus on respect, chores and rebuilding your relationship with him?

Because you just keep telling us how much he pisses you off

I think living with a horribly racist maybe allows for a different set of rules!

He left school at 16? Poor results? In a NMW job with few prospects? He’s paid weekly?

I mean not really - if I didn’t say hello to the man who put a roof over my head and food on the table I wouldn’t have been able to live there - which is what this thread is about. As an adult I hardly speak to him and he knows I don’t share his views/ politics.

must have been awful for you

Yes he does piss me off with how he is and his attitude towards things. Apart from this we do have a good relationship. He talks to me about most things, it’s just the lack of respect he has.

Ive just had a quick chat with him. He’s agreed he will help out more and start paying me £40 a week. I’ve agreed for the new “girlfriend” to come over but I don’t want to hear anything that goes off in his room.

Yes he left school at 16, average exam results. Went to college for a year and half didn’t like it so got an apprentiship in trade. He’s a couple of pounds over minimum wage but working his way up. I can’t fault him for that

Surely he’s perfectly entitled to end relationships that aren’t working for him? That’s just how relationships work. He’s 21 and he’s dating. Sounds normal to me, and it doesn’t sound like he’s mistreating anyone. It’s not a crime to dump someone, even if the person being dumped is upset by it. That’s just life.

I think it’s bit odd expecting an adult man not to have girlfriends and not to have a sex life unless he restricts his relationships to long-term commitment only, at the age of 21. I’d have no issue with him having girlfriends to spend the night.

Well done for communicating with him and setting out new ground rules.

When does the £40 start tomorrow?
What happens if he doesn’t pay on time?
How will you respond if he asks for cash as per usual on a Monday?

I am glad you are asking him to step up - he’s been in the working world nearly 4 years now - he should be managing his money better.

How long is the apprenticeship and what are his plans for saving up to move out?

Ok
good start
have you agreed a few chores he will do. At least his own laundry for a start.

and what about you take him out for lunch, just you two, this weekend?

Yes from tomorrow he’s said he will start giving it me.
I’ve also told him not to ask for any money after the weekend. He needs to make his money last him. He’s an adult now, not a child who blows his money as soon as he gets it.

It ends in 6 months and they will set him on permanent they’ve told him. So his wage will go up and he will be able to work his way further.

He's also said from next week he’s going to put £75 a week away into a savings account. He wants to start saving now and not blow his money.
We shall see!

We haven’t agreed to anything just yet. It was just a quick chat as I had to leave the house. We will speak more later when I’m back.

DP is taking the girls out Sunday visiting relatives so yes me and DS could go out for lunch just the two of us

Suggest it
book it
do it

Will do. Thanks for your advice

He’s 21 and goes out to work. For a starters get him paying rent. Secondly he’s acting like a normal 21 year old should. I mean it’s okay to tell him you’d rather not actually hear him having sex but being disgusted at the fact he does seems daft to me.

Also get him doing some chores, you’ve raised a man who’s going to be a terrible husband if you don’t get him doing some bits around the house. Even my 13 year old son has to wash and dry up!

Sorry that’s what happens when you don’t RTFT 🙈

Sounds like he has got himself together and knuckled down career wise.

He does need to be accountable, responsible and respectful - for you and your family - but also so that he can sustain a reciprocal intimate relationship otherwise you are never going to get him out and if you do he will be dumped and back at your door again for being a loser boyfriend. He needs to be told what the consequences will be. Don’t get hung up on him being like his deadbeat DF - he will feel that from you even without words. Keep communicating positively and setting expectations and consequences.

Why is he doing nothing? Why is he paying nothing ?
This sounds like a parenting problem.
You've created a monster and now want to complain about him.

At 17 I’d see selfish antisocial behaviour as more likely. But at 21 he should be ashamed of himself for not having the most basic family interactions or courtesy. What a rude arse. I hope your younger children know this is not normal or acceptable.