Ds21 and new “girlfriend”

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Ds21 met a girl a couple of weeks ago and has seen her maybe 3/4 times.
Hes wanting to bring her home to meet me and sit in his room with her. Promises he wont do “anything”I’ve said no AIBU?

Bit of back story. All he does is live in his room when he’s not at work or out with friends. He does nothing in the house to help anyone. He has 2 younger sisters. He never really interacts with any of us, only when it suits him.
Hes had 2 girlfriends in the past year. One he was with for 6 months the other for 3 weeks. I feel he has no respect for the girls he sees. He always ends up falling in love (so he says) really quick then just leaves them and goes back to his mates when he’s bored.

This said girl he sneaked into the house last Saturday night and had sex with her in the bathroom whilst we were all in bed. I heard them!!
He sneaked her back out again the next morning. I was really angry, he’s only known her a week or so at that time.

I know DP (his step dad) won’t be happy about this. He doesn’t know about Saturday. He thinks ds treats the house like an hotel and comes and goes when he wants. Contributes nothing to the house and says if he wants to do what he pleases he should look at moving out. Apart from this they get on ok

So am I wrong for seeing no?

The reality is that most 20 somethings still live in the family home for financial reasons. Are you really saying the should all be celibate?? Should the parents also?

I think it’s your house, your rules. Perfectly reasonable to not want him bringing back one night stands and short flings. My parents had a no boys in the bedroom rule - I was always told I was welcome to find my own place if I didn’t like the house rules … I lived with them until I was 30. At that age you have to decide what you want, money in your pocket or complete independence and all the stress and chores that come with. I lived at home for £200 a month, chipped in with the housework and spent my 20s having the best time socialising and holidaying with my friends and boyfriend.

Big difference between being discreet with a long term girlfriend who interacts with the family and going at it in the bathroom on a Saturday night and waking your mum up!
I was always allowed to stay at my boyfriend’s house, but we sat downstairs and chatted to his parents and sometimes had dinner before going up to “watch a film”.

Ewwww sex in the bathroom no respect.

This. Honestly hate to make you feel bad OP but perhaps look at setting ‘boundaries’.

Decide with your current husband what is an absolute no go then sit down with your son and communicate these boundaries in a calm and healthy way that keeps a connection with him.

It might be a big change from the way you have communicated with him in the past. But this young man needs to take responsibility for his behaviour - he gets his value system and boundaries on how to treat people / women from YOU. If it’s mutually fine then not an issue but perhaps ask him if he understands a healthy relationship to look like? Your rules but I’d allow my 20 year son have his girlfriend over but it’s a proper relationship. They also take care not to be there ALL the time. My son is expected to be an effective adult in the house - he mows the lawn and cuts the hedges and does various jobs we ask for as he is at uni and doesn’t pay rent. I’d still expect that anyway as we all live together.

If he lives with you- you also have influence over his view of women . You can model female treatment by not doing everything for him and portraying a model of women doing everything for a man? Expect him to step up.

You need to get some skills around this. The aim is to set boundaries and consequences that still creates a connection not a threat.

You might reach a bit of resistance initially as this is about change.

It probably is time for him to move out. He’s not learning any responsibility with the current situation. However in the meantime I don’t think I’d stop him bringing the girl over. His pattern of being with different girls for a short time is probably fairly normal for his age. It doesn’t mean he’ll end up some mysogynistic lothario! By all means let him no that there’s to be no sex, however I’m not sure that’s the way I’d go. I had my boyfriend staying over in my room at that age- steady boyfriend mind you, not a succession of different boys!- and we just knew to be quiet and respectful. Maybe the rule should be girls only stay over if it’s a serious relationship- if they’ve been together six months plus, for example. He’s a little bit old for sitting in his room with the door left open! Sex is normal. But he can be respectful by keeping noise down and sticking to his room.

You brought him up so why doesn’t he contribute to the home? Teach by example from an early age. Also at 21 he’s an adult with his own mind. As for the new ‘girlfriend’ - it takes 2 to tango. So he’d only known her a week before sneaking her in to have sex with her. She clearly was quite happy with that timeframe or she wouldn’t have been there.
At the end of the day it’s your house so your rules. That being said, if he doesn’t like them, he’s old enough to find his own place.

Honestly, having sex in any communal area of your family home is just grim. His bedroom is the only respectful place to do this and he should keep noise to a minimum. He’s lazy and disrespectful but you’re also enabling this by not pushing him to change.

I don’t mind him bringing girlfriends home. He was in a long term relationship when he was 18 and she was at our house a lot and stayed over. I just don’t want him bringing every girl he meets home and thinking he can use the place as an hotel just to have sex.

Regarding helping in the house yes I know it’s my fault and I will sit down and talk to him about this. It’s really hard to talk to him, he acts like a spoilt child at times which I also know is my fault. Like I said he was my first and at the time I thought he was my only child. We went through a lot so I wrapped him in cotton wool.

He may be an adult but it sounds like you need to step up and play the parent role, and set some clear boundaries.

Make it very clear that the reason you're saying no at the moment is that firstly, they haven't been together long, and secondly his behaviour was utterly disrespectful by sneaking her in and making everyone listen to him shagging in the bathroom.

You then need to decide on some rules if he is living at home. Firstly, he should be contributing to bills and perhaps board too. Secondly, he should be helping round the house. Make your expectations very clear of what he should be doing.

It's your house and your rules. He is an adult and should consider renting a room.

3 girls in one year

you say “one night stand” but that’s bollox

I think your partner, his step dad, has got right into your head and convinced you your son is a shitbag

Yes maybe I was wrong saying one night stands. Basically I just don’t want him thinking he can bring anyone round to the house just for sex for a few times then get rid of them. It’s our home not a sex parlour

Maybe my partner has got into my head thinking our house shouldn’t be used to have sex with causal girlfriends for everyone to hear

There’s no “maybe” about it.

You were wrong. He has had two past girlfriends and a new one. Over a year. He has not been having one sniff stands.

what is the relationship like between your son and partner op?

the siblings he ignores…. How old? Children you’ve had with new partner?

Yes I was wrong. 3 of what I know of but that’s not my business.

They do get on but my partner and they were really close when he was younger. Now he is older they are not as close, dp does go on at him about stuff in the house. Like leaving lights on, moving dirty dishes, rinsing the showe out after using it that kind of stuff. DS does moan saying all he does is go on at him. Apart from that they are ok

They are a lot younger than him, 8 and 7. Not that he ignores them but he will just come home from where he’s been no hellos to anyone just straight upstairs and then just leave when he goes out no goodbyes

We came back off holiday a few weeks ago. He never asked how it was or if we enjoyed it. Just did his usual thing and went out. I think that’s quite disrespectful and ignorant. Like we don’t matter to him and this house is just an hotel to him.
Yes we did ask if he wanted to come away with us but he’d just had an holiday with friends so wasn’t bothered

Op

he is 21
he has been indulged all his life
he hasn’t been required to take on family chores and responsibilities

you can’t suddenly expect for him to change without you being in effort and being patient.

And as for the g/f situation - say that he keeps it down or you will just barge in. Turn on the light and tell her to get dressed and leave. Every single time. But he’s doing nothing wrong by having three girlfriends over the course of a year , and finishing with two of them.

He has two siblings that he was 13/14 when they were born and he’s their half brother. Don’t force it. He may get closer to them in time but you kicking up a stink about it will achiever the square root of zero

He is close to them and loves them it’s just the fact he seems like he doesn’t care about anyone in the house except himself.

I don’t expect him to sit on the floor playing with them but a bit of interaction like. Have you had a nice day at school and whatever else

And that may come in time
but no need to force it

focus on respect and building up his involvement with family life in terms of chores. That needs to be priority. And hopefully your view of him will become more positive

Were you interested in 8 year olds when you were 21? No, me neither (except if I was being paid to babysit!). You really are expecting too much of him OP. For now get the basics organised - he looks after his room, food and laundry and makes sure he keeps it down in the bedroom.

There’s not being interested and there’s being rude. I can’t imagine coming home from work and just bypassing the entire family and going to my room. I always went in, said hello, how was your day and then went up to get changed. This was with my mum, dad and sister. I would always come down and say goodnight before bed too, maybe we are the weird ones 😂

In your shoes with a “horribly racist” dad, have marched by him without a backward glance and moved out as soon as I could @Floundering66

Exactly this. He will come in take his shoes off only speak if hes spoken to. Makes himself some good then take it straight to his room then stay there till he goes out later on. Sometimes he may say a quiet bye before he walks out of the door.

To me that’s rude and ignorant

When did this start happening?