Ds21 and new “girlfriend”

[bluebot]

Ds21 met a girl a couple of weeks ago and has seen her maybe 3/4 times.
Hes wanting to bring her home to meet me and sit in his room with her. Promises he wont do “anything”I’ve said no AIBU?

Bit of back story. All he does is live in his room when he’s not at work or out with friends. He does nothing in the house to help anyone. He has 2 younger sisters. He never really interacts with any of us, only when it suits him.
Hes had 2 girlfriends in the past year. One he was with for 6 months the other for 3 weeks. I feel he has no respect for the girls he sees. He always ends up falling in love (so he says) really quick then just leaves them and goes back to his mates when he’s bored.

This said girl he sneaked into the house last Saturday night and had sex with her in the bathroom whilst we were all in bed. I heard them!!
He sneaked her back out again the next morning. I was really angry, he’s only known her a week or so at that time.

I know DP (his step dad) won’t be happy about this. He doesn’t know about Saturday. He thinks ds treats the house like an hotel and comes and goes when he wants. Contributes nothing to the house and says if he wants to do what he pleases he should look at moving out. Apart from this they get on ok

So am I wrong for seeing no?

Time he moved out. It’s gross to use a family home as a shag pad. I feel sorry for your DP.

Well you need to have a serious chat with him about how you can all live together well. So he pays rent, does his own washing, cooks for himself unless he asks to eat a family meal and respects boundaries. Having sex in a bathroom is so disrespectful and should not be happening but if he is in a relationship then that person should be welcome in your home. It feels as if the rudeness in all other areas is clouding how you deal with this. Give him a time frame to step up but also make it clear if he wants to live a more single person life then he needs to move out.

I honestly don’t think you can stop your son becoming like his father by trying to prevent him from having casual sexual relationships at 21 …

It’s a shame you haven’t been able to persuade him of his obligation to be a functioning member of a family household - but again, that doesn’t give you rights over his sex life.

Presumably his (few) girlfriends / hook-ups are also adult women? It’s up to them to decide what sort of interactions they want with men, not you.

If you are uncomfortable with having an adult son in the house I hope you’ll encourage and assist him to move out into his own accommodation - where he won’t feel constantly at fault.

Having sex in the family bathroom is disrespectful and disgusting.

He needs to contribute or move out.

He needs to move out.

I agree it sounds like an annoying situation but I’m not quite sure what is the reason for you saying no to meeting her. To me that is in fact showing some responsibility and introducing his girlfriend (however long she might last) instead of sneaking in and hiding her from you. You really have no valid reason to say no to meeting her and this will alienate him even more. He will think you have no interest in his life. I would really put some focus into getting him to help in the house rather than just saying a very random no to what I think is a very valid thing for him to do.

What has he actually done wrong to this girl?

No 21 year old on this planet should ever have to assure their parent that they won’t be having sex with their girlfriend / boyfriend in their own room.

If you went to the trouble of giving birth you must then have anticipated that you would one day be the parent of another adult. It’s excruciating and unseemly to seek to unreasonably restrict the legal adult activities of your child.

If you don’t like having them in the house, help them to move out.

All you saying I don’t like my son. I do like him, I love him he is my child!
I just don’t like his attitude to do things.
No I don’t want my house to be a place to bring one night stands back!

I have told him I will happily meet this new girl and go out for food together as a family but I want to make sure he isn’t just using this girl before I meet her.

I let his last 2 girlfriends and they are lovely. I know they were upset about the break up because his first one was messaging me telling me how hurt she was by it all. He told me himself the second girl was upset by it all and he felt bad and asked for my advice.

Yes I do blame myself for him not doing anything for himself around the house but he was my first child so I made a mistake with him.

Ive told him he needs to start doing things in the house and helping out if he wants to be treated like an adult.

I don’t mind him having girlfriends come over or stay the night. They have in the past but like I said it’s not a sex house

Firstly, stop doing everything for him. Does he contribute money to the household expenses?

Have a chat about respect, both to girlfriends and other members of your household

And yes I know he’s going to have sex in the house in his own room but am in the wrong for not wanting to hear it

So many issues

So is the issue you don’t want to hear him having sex? If that’s the case, then very reasonable to ask him to keep it down.

as for all the other issues regarding him and your relationship with him and his conduct in the house… well that’s a whole other issue and is product of years

You are very overly invested in your adult son’s sex life, and probably projecting a lot on him because of your feelings for his dad. This is not normal.

The relationship with adult children still living in the family home has to be more along the lines of housemates. Which means he needs to take responsibility for his own room, food and laundry. It also means you don’t get to dictate who he sees or what he does. If it helps you to change the dynamic of your relationship then charge him rent.

It’s nothing to do with his father I just said he was the same at his age. No respect for girls.
I don’t want my house to be used as a place for him to bring one night stands what’s the problem with that!!

Yes he needs to learn to act like an adult if he wants to be treat like one. But no I still won’t allow random girls at my house

Let me guess, your son and your partner don’t get on. At. All.

So now it’s a one night stand?

You really, really need to step away from involving yourself in his relationships. Why on earth are his exes able to contact you? It’s not appropriate.

I think it's unrealistic to expect a 21 year old not to want to have sex or bring girlfriends home. My parents were like this and it just meant we spent increasing amounts of time away from home.

You can set ground rules like being quiet and only in his room, not communal rooms (should go without saying!) but it's not for you to judge when he's serious about someone. It comes across as controlling.

Has he actually done anything wrong to these girls, or has he just broken up with them? Im still not sure where your impression of him not treating these girls well is coming from, sorry, maybe I've missed something.

He’s ended two relationships in a YEAR.

Big bloody deal

Why do some people just want to put the boot in? Does it make you feel better about yourself?

You're talking crap, btw.

your son needs to move out (as I’m sure you know). He’s entitled to a consensual sex life whatever way he wants to conduct it, but if he is under your roof it’s completely necessary for there to be clear boundaries. where to have sex (ie his bedroom) is different to who he has sex with.

It’s for him to learn respect towards his partners - he’s not a teenager who needs your micromanaging. It’s frankly weird and uncomfortable for you to pass judgement on who and how he dates other women. It is also on these other women to anticipate the behaviours of men - they do have free thought as well!

moving out might also mean he makes more / sees more friends

Yes this ^^

There is two totally different issues in your post. You’ve let him get away with doing nothing for years. You need to start working on this asap.

With regards to girls, I would agree not to be bringing random girls home but a gf. Then I’d be ok with that.

Two separate issues. Within reason his private life is none of your business. But he if expects to be treated like an adult he should act like one and do his share around the house.

He's got a job!